Why Is This Happening?

[Cardiacdiva]

I am sitting in front of this computer with every emotion going through my head. I keep remembering things that happened when I deployed. I thought I had a handle on all of it. I never allowed myself to feel anything as that would just get in the way of the job. I was a robot, and a damned good one. Every task I was given I did it without question. This whole situation went from me feeling "overwhelmed" with everything, Job stressors, Billy moving back in after being separated for a year, then losing his job, and Angela being pregnant, to being too scared to do what I have been doing since I was 19 or 20. I can't walk into my own department, for fear that it will bring back a bad memory, or keep reminding me of when I intubated that girl in Qatar and managing the ventilator when she tried to kill herself. Or, trying to keep this soldier alive long enough to get him back so he could die on American soil, all while his twin brother was watching, and crying. And when the older gentlemen was transported to our facility, complaining that the blood pressure cuff was to tight on his arm, and that his chest hurt. He flat lined, we shocked him, he sat up, threw up, and then died. And all that time, it was my responsibility to keep the oxygen going, but the tank was empty. And the time when I was asked to help restrain a patient on the plane because he didn't want to leave his brothers on the field. He got loose and hit me on my left eye socket, and knocked me to the floor of the plane. I only remember being so angry and stunned, but I had my own patients to deal with. I completely blocked this out ROBOT. The flood gates are open now, and I am scared to death. If I go to the VA tomorrow, and they say nothing is wrong and to keep doing what I am doing with my current Psychiatrist, who says it can't be PTSD, just Severe Depression and Anxiety, there is no point in pursuing this any longer. It hurts to much. Don't get me wrong, I don't want PTSD, or anything like it, but I know something is wrong, and so far, nothing - Meds or Therapy is working.. The nightmares are constant and that's only when I do sleep, which isn't much. The anxiety attacks because of too many people. The guilt. There's just no fight left.

 

[shimmerz]

There are pretty rigid criterion for PTSD. It sounds like you have a medical background as well. On what basis is this psychiatrist basing the fact that you do not have PTSD? Following is a link to describe the difference between GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) and PTSD. I have fought this battle before and won. I know the feeling of wanting to give it up. I am so sorry. That just exacerbates the symptoms of PTSD. I wish so much luck during your appointment. Just one more day.....can you keep the fight in you until your appointment passes?

http://gad.about.com/od/symptoms/a/ptsd.htm

Sending you all the strength I have to keep going.

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[Friday]

Some people get really lucky with the VA.

My recommendation, though, would be to call your local VetCenter tomorrow. They're not affiliated with the VA, have HIPPA secure records (don't go to govt or VA), usually have same week appointments, and are for & by combat vets.

As well as to make sure you check out the sister site http://

 

[Underdog]

While I can only imagine what you have been through, I can understand the "robot" part. That's a huge part of what got me where I am today. Everyday, month after month for over 4 years, I told myself: "I've got this. I can do this. I can figure this out. Ok, yet another unrealistic thing to do in a very unrealistic timeframe. No problem." 2 years in, I could barely lift myself out of bed each morning to go into work, knowing that the stress would be overwhelming and the expectations so unrealistic everyone was doomed to fail. I held it together at work, comforting people who broke down daily, calming people down who were on the edge of bursting with either fear, horror or pure rage. Nearly everyday, I would have to finish people's thoughts because they would find themselves devoid of thought mid sentence. Towards the end, I realized I was exhibiting the same issues and even far worse once I left the office and no longer needed to hold it together. It was all I could do to even force myself to breathe.

In my scenario, I thought I was merely depressed at first and begged my psychotherapist and doctor for antidepressants, but they refused saying other issues were at stake and that wasn't the best option. I didn't know they had already diagnosed me. I begged for anti-anxiety meds with the same results. That was all I thought was wrong with me although I had literally become just a husk of a human. Because I had been in robot mode for so long, I couldn't accept that I had PTSD or even any trauma, but it showed itself big time to others trained to recognize it.

So I can only imagine how you must feel at the moment with all of this crumbling in on you because you were a robot. Have you specifically asked your psychiatrist what is going on and asked for an explanation? My psychotherapist had told me I was being traumatized daily at the job, but I blocked it. She persistently led me to discussing PTSD and even told me a few times, all of which I mentally blocked. Only recently have I come to accept it and spent many sessions asking about it and what it all means.

While I didn't want to be diagnosed with PTSD, when I finally accepted it and stopped blocking the diagnosis was when I finally understood and was able to start taking ahold of my life again.