Why Me?

[Aching65]

Well it has been a very interesting discovery day for me today. I just wish I had found this site 3 months ago when S had start showing of her PTSD.

Another question I bring to this panel is why I am the one who managed to trigger her.m she is 39 YO, she was abused between 4 and 14 and never had therapy. I understand she coped with herself alone basically erasing her trauma from her memory. She went trough quite a few relationships, then had a 10 years relation who brought her 2 adorable boys before she started to be bored. Her partner was actually taking advantage of her financially and she ended up being the sole, bread winner. I was also bored in a relation I was not supposed to be in and we met. We just chatted and eventually left our respective partners before we dated. We went very slow, to protect the kids. I was still married as things take a while, and will finally be divorced next week.

So I triggered her PTSD. It seems that I am the only one who has ever done that, pretty much 25 years after the trauma. It seems no one was kissing her chest before, which I can't believe, as that was the initial trigger....

I have read a lot so far, and several sources are telling me that she might have allowed the trauma to come back because we were starting to be very close.

What is your guys experience????

Thanks in advance, it is really helpful

 

[Go Hungry]

It is possible that if you two were getting close that it might come up, not necessarily as a result of your specific actions, but because she felt safe enough around you that it could finally arrive. I've known people before who were so tense and controlled that when they finally relaxed somewhat, shit would just erupt from nowhere. It's just a thing that sometimes happens. But that's just a shot in the dark, really... v0v

 

[Deleted member 26314]

Hi again, just going to offer my two cents.. again. ^^

In my own experience regarding PTSD and my boyfriend, I showed symptoms of PTSD before I met my boyfriend however, the full blown PTSD wasn't recognisable until I met my boyfriend and we started dating. That was because my boyfriend was triggering me and causing me to have flashbacks related to past experiences which I hadn't had flashbacks of before. I also found that because as I felt more comfortable around my boyfriend, more of my PTSD symptoms showed themselves, possibly because I was allowing myself to relax and not hide or bottle things up anymore.

It's possible that because she feels comfortable or less like she has to act normal with you, you've opened the door to PTSD and it's giving her the room and comfort to show her symptoms. I don't think you triggered the PTSD itself, I just think you've let her show her symptoms meaning she does feel somewhat comfortable around you whether the wants to admit it or not.

The closeness could also make her weary, also showing her symptoms. With myself, it's a mix of feeling safe and comfortable but at the same time I feel vulnerable and exposed since I'm so close to my boyfriend. But, we manage the feelings of vulnerability and it's getting to a point where I almost completely feel safe around him. But, when we first started dating, all I felt was a fear of getting too close.

This is just a guess, but her previous relationship, in regards to the financial issues etc, could be giving her a bit of emotional baggage in regards to your relationship. She might not want to get close due to her past relationship and therefore the emotions surrounding that, plus the emotions/feelings from PTSD will most likely be showing all at once and merging with each other..

Like I said, I don't think you triggered the PTSD, just allowed her to show it. Which in some ways is a good thing as now she can most likely see it and get help..

 

[Aching65]

I hope so Katerina, I hope so, we were living in a dream before all that appeared....

 

[Justmehere]

It could be that your helper personality may have stirred up feelings from being a kid and needing safe caretakers to care for her. It could be the kind of kissing. It could be the safety she felt. It could be the timing of her other relationship falling apart. It could be the ages of her own kids. It could be that it was coming up before, but she wasn't recognizing it yet or it was coming up differently. It's hard to say why it came up now. It not your fault, it's just the way PTSD is.

 

[bell]

I know I responded to another thread you started and was concerned about you two starting the relationship while you were still married. Well, here in this thread you mention being "bored" in a relationship and that seems to be your reason for leaving. In all honesty, why do you think that being "bored" won't happen again?

Because, in my opinion, if you are "bored" at any time in life, whether with your relationship or not, most of the time the problem lies directly with you. And, if you are going to leave a relationship because of that, there seems little reason to give you much advice, because once you get "bored" with this woman, you will leave her, too. I know that sounds harsh, but boredom lies within, not outside yourself. Please think about that before you risk re-triggering this woman, because it may be that once you're done trying to win her back you'll just get "bored" again and leave her worse off than if you just left now.

And no, I've never been left because of this reason. I just know enough about boredom to know that external reasons for boredom are often lies we tell ourselves. (And since the post says she was "bored," too, what are the chances she won't just get "bored" with you? Or hasn't done so already?)

 

[Aching65]

@bell. The reason of the marriage breakdown is not boredom off course. It is not relevant to this issue and did not feel useful to expand. And now, the relation with S feels totally different, and I knew I could never be bored. I can safely say S is the first woman I am in love with. I had never been witness of love before. I am not talking about infatuation, I am talking about the deep desire to be with someone, the deep desire to make her happy which makes me happy, the desire to be with her and to support her regardless of what we are going trough.

I am aware of the fact that she might just not be in love with me anymore. But then is it the PTSD withdrawal? and me keeping triggering it trying to support her the way I thought I could? I am a surgeon, in my field when we face a complex problem, we talk to colleagues, we read, we consult other people before taking a decision. This is how I have functioned all my life. I have read lots on PTSD, but never realized how important privacy and isolation is, because in my uninitiated brain it makes sense to talk to your close friends for support. Family maybe not but your close friends yes. I thought there was something I did not understand about PTSD, because I could not understand why she was behaving this way. So I went to the friend psychiatrist for information on PTSD and how I had to behave to support her appropriately, because I did not trust what I read, I thought I could be biased. When u read, you tend to understand what you want to read, not what is written... And talking to him allowed me too see how fragile she is at this present time.

It is only on this forum that I realized the importance of secrecy for safety and trust purpose. I knew you feel ashamed, but not to what intensity and to what extend. Remember, that happened 25 years ago for her. I only know that she was showing signs of PTSD even at the beginning of our relation, when she kept being upset at people commenting on us, on her email being hacked.... She claimed to be extremely private, I now understand how unsafe she was feeling, how offended she was feeling when someone peaked into our live. It is only now that she is going trough therapy, and I really hope it is going to help her.

And most of all, it is only now that I realized the critical importance of ownership of your trauma.

I am really doing my best to support her, but I was using conventional ways that I knew best, which unfortunately were totally inappropriate. It is not like I was being vindictive or so...

But is it PTSD taking her away from me, or has she fallen in love? I have no idea. My therapist says she is now incapable of feelings and acts irrationally because of her PTSD. She has no energy left for our relation, and she feels extremely vulnerable, stressed and hurt at the moment, which I understand.

 

[bell]

Personally, your response seems way too centered on you. (Case in point, your very thread title.) Instead of trying to rationalize what you did and why it was right or wrong, think of her 25 years ago and her mindset then. Her trauma then. Not dealing with her trauma then. And living with it buried for that long. Get out of your own head and think about her. Your willingness to help her seems way more about you trying to fix her rather than focusing on her actually getting help and healing. Think less about yourself here. And more about what's best for her, which, for now, seems that you need to leave the picture entirely until she decides to either come back to you or not.

I understand it's confusing, but stop leaning on your training and more on your humanity. All the surgeon training in the world won't help you with this. Again, I'm sorry to be harsh, but unfortunately, with PTSD sometimes there are no answers, either in the short or long term. You just have to live your best life and move forward. And trust in them to get back to you if it's right for them, the one with PTSD, not right for you, the one without.

 

[joeylittle]

Why not you?

I might sound snarky when I write that, but in all honesty: we don't choose our moments to move forward or backward in therapy, and in the big scheme of it all, PTSD trumps pretty much every major life experience.

Either have patience and accept that it doesn't really matter why it was you, or respect her wishes and give her space.

 

[Aching65]

So... As I not really start to have the impression she will leave the relation for good, she will likely take her PTSD into her next relation? After being kept untreated for so long, I believe her therapy will take a very long time, probably years.

Not a great prospect for her, I really hope she will find a guy who will be ready to support her. I am ready to do it, as I feel I have already done it for the last 2 years, before she was diagnosed. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong, why she was so difficult, why it was such a struggle. She would lash out and disappear for a couple of days for nothing. He family just says to "hang on there, she is difficult". They have no idea what is going on....

 

[Justmehere]

She may take a break from dating anyone for awhile, something some trauma therapists suggest. Her therapy may or may not take years, it varies greatly. It is not likely to take just a few sessions. It is best to leave figuring out a prognosis for her recovery up to the treating health care providers, and to not try to guess a prognosis as boyfriend or ex-boyfriend.

Dysfunctional families often label one person as the difficult one, the scapegoat, the one who acts out, while remaining blind to abuse or other problems.

Even though she has PTSD, that does not mean all problems in a relationship are due to PTSD or one person. Even with PTSD, problems and difficulties in a relationship usually involve both parties making mistakes. It's only human.

 

[joeylittle]

@Aching65 , are you quite sure she is only "difficult" due to PTSD? I think you shouldn't completely skip the more difficult but just as likely notion that she's simply not interested in you anymore.

I started getting bothered by certain things my ex would do during intercourse, and for a few years I thought "this is just me getting triggered".

It turned out that it wasn't that at all - it was me not wanting to be intimate because I really didn't like him anymore, let alone love him. And then I understood it was time for the breakup, which he blamed on my depression for about a solid year.

You might not have my situation. I'm just offering another perspective.

PTSD is a horrible thing to have, but it is not always the one and only reason for our feelings existing as they are.