Why Them, And Not Me?

[Candleflames]

you chose the harder option; to be better.

I think Kas here has really pointed out the why many people continue the chain. Learning an entirely knew way of processing and operating is freakin hard.

We had to or will have to, depending on where we are in our process, unlearn the damaging way and then learn a new way or more likely several new ways to function until we finally find a way that does work for us. Before that we had to take a long hard look at ourselves which is painfully hard to do. Then admit that some serious changes need to happen, again painfully hard. Then admit that we can't do it alone and try to find help, which opens us up to being hurt and abused even further. That last one was especially scary for me.

Continuing down the family path would have been so much easier. I'm not sure if I consciously chose the harder way but I'm glad I did. I'm sure my kids would be too if they knew the details of my childhood. They never will though.

 

[Tanishq]

No one's path is easy. It is not good to ridicule anyone's path. They are trying to discover, learn and walk on it to become better person. Those who are laughing know nothing about one's individual path.

Therisa, keep working on your path. In the end you will meet love, peace and success you want. I am sorry your parents are behaving like that towards you. I understand how it feels, I have that kind of parents. But you are doing great that's what I want to say.

Hug if you want. :hug:

 

[therisa]

Candleflames, my younger brother, physically and emotionally abused me, while we were growning up, and for the most part, he got away with it. There were several times, his actions almost killed me, like the time, he shoved me, down a flight of stairs.

I was scared, when I accepted Venus and Squeak (two orange brother and sister, tabbies), into my life, four years ago, that I would be abusive, when they needed correcting, in their behaviour. The reality is, I don't yell or use physical force, to correct their behaviour, rather my tone of voice is enought, to stop it. And they have rewarded me, with the love and compassion, during my severe anxiety attacks and depressive moments.

 

[therisa]

Thank you, very much, Jaret. Well, Jaret, my dad passed away, in 1998, so he never got to know, the real me, Therisa. As for my mom, she is transphobic and there's no hope of her, ever changing. Not something that I want to delve upon.

 

[Tanishq]

Therisa, you are welcome. did you get your answer? If you still have more questions please post them. We will try to find its answer.

 

[therisa]

Yes, and no. Does this make sense, to you, Jaret. I understand why others have turned down the Dark Path, but myself, I, still have questions, about myself. Just part of my self-exploration.

 

[Tanishq]

Yes, I understand. One should self explore until they get to know themselves. :)

 

[therisa]

Thank you, Jaret.

 

[Abstract]

I think empathy alone can almost be enough to stop us being abusive. If we feel with and for others then harming them can't be experienced in the same way. I think it is a big protecting factor in how we treat others. That and self discipline or control. Some have an impaired ability with this. And then there are personality factors too.

I quite like Pete Walkers approach to look at some of this too. http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

 

[therisa]

Thank you, Abstract. I feel like my brain is, in a mental fog, and can't properly express myself, at this moment.:(

 

[CraftyCath]

Myself and my husband talk about this a great deal.

Both of us had some kind of abuse as children. When we became parents my husband responded in the way that his father had with him. To lash out. I can't say I never smacked my kids because I did and I deeply regret it but I never hit them. I had to call the social services on my husband and they sent him on an anger management course. I was so scared they would take my kids away but they didn't and my husband was much better after that.

What I believe most helped was what has already been said here - it is knowing, accepting and loving ourselves. Seeing the truth of who we are, good and bad, and making changes to ourselves. Wanting to be a better me. I know so many family members (and a few x-friends) who have taken advantage of my good nature and my sensitivity and, because of the abuse, I just took it. Now I know better and I protect myself from those who are abusive and I have really gotten to know and like myself.

It is a choice we all make, to be good or bad, but it is also so much more. It is taking off the blinkers and admitting who and what we are, it is not being controlling when others have controlled us, it is not bullying others because we have been bullied, it is self awareness and a deep knowledge of who we are and what we want to be.

I have often discussed with my H why our families are as they are and why they never change and live in denial. I thin it is because to admit that hitting their kids etc. would vilify them in their own eyes and the changes required would be painful as would be admitting that they are wrong. It is too much for them.

I could not live like that, I always seek the truth. I think, had I stayed as I was I would not be alive now or I would be a horrible person. Some of us are born to care - it is in our nature; others are not. Good and bad run on parallel lines.

A book that helped me and my H immensely is 'Why am I afraid to tell you who I am' by John Powel. It is available new and used on Amazon and I have read it so often.

A quote from the book...
"If you knew me yesterday, please do not think that it is the same person that you are meeting today. I have experienced more of life, I have encountered new depths in those I love, I have suffered and prayed and I am different. Please do not give me a 'batting average,' fixed and irrevocable, because I am 'in there' constantly, taking my swings at the opportunities of daily living. Approach me then with a sense of wonder, study my face and hands and voice for signs of change; for it is certain that I have changed. But even if you recognise this, I may be somewhat afraid to tell you who I am. I am afraid to tell you who I am, because if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am and it's all that I have."

 

[therisa]

...accepting and loving ourselves..."

These two words, are the hardest struggle, I am facing, given a past filled with hate and violence, which is, intertwined with my transitioning, from a male body, to a female, one. But, having Venus, Squesk and Star, around me, is helping me, to learn this lesson. Thank you, Cathy, for your support. :hug: