Why Them, And Not Me?

[therisa]

I have this question, which has bouncing around my head, for years, and its driving me, crazy. Why did I not, become an abuser, when many of the abusers are reported, to have, suffered one type or another, of abuse, themselves? What makes me, different from them? I realize most members don't know anything about me or my personal history, beyond what I have posted. Can anyone least, provide a clue, to me. Thank you.

 

[Jyar]

Because deep within you is a good person. Some of the trauma I experienced, was abuse. Yet, I refuse to expose others to what I suffered for years.

The question I have asked myself; if someone unknown to me hurt my wife or child what would I do? That's when the anger, rage, frankly the demon that I lock away from those I love would emerge.

Is this how you feel?

 

[Candleflames]

That's a good question that's got to have a complicated answer. I'm willing to bet it varies for each person. For me it was my parents that were my abusers who were abused by their parents and my sister has definitely follow suite in how she "disciplines" her children. I don't use any kind of corporal punishment for my kids as I am afraid that it could be a slippery slope for me. In that respect I have broken the cycle. To do so I had to take parenting classes and have an amount of self awareness that has maybe escaped the others in my family. Or maybe I am so terrified to be like someone I have so many ill feelings toward that I am more motivated me to be different. I have never accepted my treatment as ok or normal.

I'm not convinced that I am not an abuser though. I have done some pretty horrible things to myself. Even though I knew what I was experiencing was abuse and wrong I still turned the anger I felt about it onto myself. I did a lot of things that put me in danger. I did a lot of drugs, dated car thieves and dealers, got black out drunk and wandered through busy traffic. I've cut, burned and punched myself till my right eye swelled shut.

That all sounds like abuse to me. So maybe some of us just find a new way to abuse. It doesn't look like the abuse we are used to experiencing so we don't count it. And really how many of us are going to actually tell on ourselves?

 

[Tanishq]

Therisa, It's a choice you have made and also them. They chose bad and you chose good.

 

[SRE7267]

Self awareness is everything. When you are aware, you recognize the fact that you are in fact able to make a choice. Some choose the path of going with that first instinct of what has been engrained in them (continuing the abuse cycle) and others, such as yourself, choose to resist it and break the cycle. Kudos to you for having the strength & courage to resist it and to recondition yourself to respond in situations, rather than react.

 

[therisa]

Not sure, Jyar, I am a very passive person, partly because of the abuse, I suffered, and my very introverted nature (read almost painfully shy). I would be angry, but how I express that anger probably wouldn't be, a physical act by me.

 

[therisa]

Candleflower, I understand and can relate to your comments. Myself, I have the very nasty tendency to isolate, and blame myself, for being the responsible cause of my abusers' attacking me. Not a very safe mental position to have, given my extremely low self-esteem and self-confidence levels.

Guess, if we talk to a counsellor or a physchairist, but on than.

 

[therisa]

Thank you, Jaret and SRE7267. For the vote of confidence, in my judgment sklls. Not something, I give the proper evaluation, but sure.

 

[Spiderallis]

That's something I've thought about a lot. There's some empathy to it, I don't want to pass that off to someone else. Another part is seeing that those abusive people don't feel any better, it doesn't help their pain to make someone else hurt. Maybe it gives them an illusion that they control their pain? I can't comprehend it. I guess it takes a bit of perspective to see that knocking someone else down doesn't make you any taller.

 

[therisa]

I guess, Spiderallis, for some people, the need to feel powerful, is their driving need. And nothing, we talk about, will change them.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

It's not only because you are a good person, but because whether unknowingly or knowingly, you chose the harder option; to be better.

 

[therisa]

Thank you, Kas. My parents have always joked that I always take the hardest way, when given the option of, which one to choose.