Why Won't The Thoughts End

[Deleted member 27340]

Why won't the suicidal thoughts ever go away? I've been living in a good place (I guess it's good. At least it's a lot better) for the past two years, I've got amazing friends and I love them and honestly don't know what I'd do without them and according to people around me I've got a bright academic future. Lol they don't know how little I'm even able to work with stuff.

Anyway... It's like this thick blanket of gray fog wrapped itself around me a long time ago, and even though I don't want or need it anymore it won't let go and when I try to find my way out of it all it responds with is tightening up its grip.
I really, really don't want to put my friends through my suicide because I know it would hurt them. A little voice tells me I'm arrogant for believing they'd actually grieve over my death. No matter what I tell myself, which habits of self-care I try to make and whatever exercise I do or therapy I go to, the suicidal thoughts won't go away. The stupid voice is there all the time and the stupid thoughts are there all the time. So far I've only found ONE thing that can actually make it fade, and that's self harm. I need to hurt myself. It's the only way I can survive. It leaves ugly scars and covering my arms and thighs can be unfortunate in many situations and possibly limiting to my life, but those are small side effects compared to what goes on in my head when I don't inflict pain on myself regularly.

I don't want to depend on a blade to get through the day. I don't want to walk around with constant thoughts of taking my own life. Why won't it ever end and like how do you even believe it can end?

 

[Numbalina]

You've got to know that it's okay to lean on those you love. I fight off the same thoughts every day. I know the strength it takes to make them pass. Instead of cutting though, try something else. I'm a big baby and can't inflict my own pain. I had to repierce my tongue at 17... I've never been interested in that. But my daughter has cut since she was 12. She's 16 now and has not cut for 6 months. It's a fight. But the satisfaction you'll get... The pride you'll get... From having some time since you last set the blade down. It's epic. You have to remember that other people don't think like us. They don't process pain the way we do. But they also don't process other feelings the way we do either. Use the strength they offer to you. It's okay. I promise. I hope you're on medications for your disorder. If you are already, maybe it's time to try another one. Hugs if you'll have them.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I can't lean on them too much, they've already done so much for me. More than I've done for them.
I don't really want to quit harming myself, I can't live without it, so I just have to keep doing it. It's that or starving, so I try to stick to the one with the fewest and smallest long-term effects.

I'm not on any meds, never been, but I've got an appointment next week where it'll be discussed. My dad is against it, so I'm not sure how it'll go.

:hug:

 

[Numbalina]

@Trauma you've GOT to listen to what they say and you need to be very honest. Meds have been the only saving grace for me. And as far as not wanting to lean on them, that's what they're there for! Don't let your head tell you what is okay at this point, because it isn't thinking clearly. When I feel like I'm pushing too much on my people, I have to force myself to be verbal. Ask them, "is this too much for you?" You can't make those decisions for them. it's not fair to them. They love you.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I know I need to be honest, but it's hard... But I can't lean on them all the time! That would be too much, and I don't want to be a burden. But anyway... yeah... I hope meds can help. If I actually get them, my dad won't like it.