Wife Is Throwing In The Towel

[skywalker]

Im new here and have no one to talk to. VA and private counselors havent been able to help and I need to talk. Just to give you an idea, I was airborne infantry, two tours, and five years in. Med boarded for PTSD at 100%

My wife and I have had a rocky relationship for the last ten years. she was with me for everything and its taken its toll on our family. we have one son and I have two step daughters that I consider my own (raised them since they were little bitty). We separated in june of last year because we couldnt seem to get back in sync after I was med boarded. well after a year, we decided to try it again and work it out. i live with my parents who moved back to help me fight ptsd and she lives twenty minutes away with our kids. we have been working at it for quite a while and i pick up the kids from school, stay over there and get them ready, and try to be a stay at home dad that doesnt actually stay there all the time. she constantly tells me its not my house and i am too comfortable and dont respect her. all i want to do is show her i give a f*ck and actually want to be near her.

no matter what i do, nothing ever seems to be good enough. she extends little goals, tells me I am ruining her life and dragging her down, and I have to work on my problems by myself. I ran out of my meds four days ago and finally snapped today. we were suppose to go to a football game with two of the kids and i could feel my body filling full of concrete. I finally broke and she decided to take the kids by herself. our middle girl saw me punching my steering wheel as they were driving off and now the wife says she has had enough of my shit and its over. she said im impulsive and inconsiderate, and never think of what she wants.

I love this woman more than life itself. she is one of four people that i care about in this world. but i can never seem to get it right. she constantly seems stressed out when i go over to her house and try to get our family back together. she says she wants to have our family back, but she doesnt want our marriage because she knows what it use to be and she doesnt want that again. her story constantly changes and i dont know what to do anymore. she acts like nothing happened to me and i just need to get over whatever happened. every time something happens, she tells me that i need to get over it and stop using my past as an excuse and just move on with my life.

i feel like my world is crashing down around me again. none of this shit means anything. all i wanted to do was come home to my family and start over, but everything blows up in my face and it makes me want to walk off the face of the earth. i dont know what to do anymore fellas. I tried to go to college and show her that i am able to function, but i havent gone in weeks because it drives me insane. i am feeling more and more distant fromt he world and just want to be left alone

what the shit am i suppose to do?

 

[Ned]

OK. First question, has she had any briefing/reading on ptsd, the causes in your case, or any counselling and advice from the VA?
Doesn't sound like it.
It's a bit difficult for you to try and move things between you forward when the past is being waved in your face.
And I might be being old-fashioned, but I fail to see how she can have the family back and not the marriage.
Sounds like your parents are supportive though.
Give yourself a bit of a rest mate. Time out. Trying to be a good bloke at her place is obviously not being given a fighting chance at the moment.
I'd leave it for a few days. Give your head time to clear, give yourself the space to think, and don't shy away from what common-sense might tell you.
And keep the comms here open, ask away. There are a lot of people here who understand exactly what you're going through, and will try to help.

 

[Sarg]

I would suggest that you try making the marriage work again by seeing a marriage councilor. A therapist for your PTSD is in order too. Perhaps if your wife sees that you are pulling our all stops to make thing work, she may "put her shoulder to the wheel", as well.

Both the VA and Vet centers offer all sorts of counciling classes, for you and her and the both of you.

It's going to be a long, bumpy ride but with a lot of work you may be able to pick up the pieces.

Best of luck.

Sarg

 

[JarHed]

Hey Skywalker

Welcome to the forums. You'll find good people and support here. Glad you made it back.

Ned's advice is spot on. PTSD is with us always, always. It never goes away but it can get somewhat better. Gotta' stay on the meds, though. Could be part of the reason for a tougher than normal period for ya'.

We can listen here and give our best advice but it's nothing like a good counselor. It's a crap shoot whether you go to the VA or a private one. Keep trying though because a good counselor can be a tremendous help for you.

I think our spouses suffer from this as much as we do. They could do with some counseling as well. Take care of yourself and stay on a good track. Try to give in to her wishes a bit and see if it will help. Also, it would be great for the both of you to see a counselor together. Your kids also need their Dad, I'm sure it's a hard thing for them to deal with also. My best hopes go out to you at this time. Let us know how we can help.

JarHed

 

[Ned]

Skywalker.
Just to add to what I've said, and Sarg and Jar have pointed out a lot better.
If she doesn't have too much insight or understanding of your load, it will inevitably lead to frustration on her part, and that damned near always boils over as bitching.
We can be a bit of a mystery. If you can get her involved in understanding it a bit through counselling (and a lot of the stuff on here) it will help a lot. There's a lot of good documentation around, she may not end up with the full workshop manual but at least she'll have a handbook.

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome Skywalker,

I will be brutally honest here and some of the things you might not want to hear.

It's a really tough thing PTSD, especially to partners. You are not the man she met 10 years ago. You have changed and the changes will be forever. You may get some of your old self back by managing the symptoms of PTSD through medication and therapy at the start, but you will never, ever be that person again. There is hope for some with PTSD, but they are not rated 100%.

I will talk from your wife's perspective. Can you imagine how frustrated she is?? She will be hurt and angry. She know's deep down that it's not your fault. She says hurtful things, but I bet if you recorded every conversation you had, you would say some not very nice things too. She has probably done some research, especially if you were rated from the VA so highly. But just in case, you have to give her some reading material.

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Download and print that one for her.

Ultimately it's her choice mate. There is nothing you can do to convince her if she decides to leave unfortunately. She is trying to do what she thinks best for her, and the kids. You might be better off letting her go, working on yourself, and then trying a bit later. I kept pushing with my second wife and she ended up totally separating. You have to get better for your son and step daughters. Mine used to not want to go near me at one stage, I was like a monster.

The last thing I will say is that the partner should never be blamed if they want to leave. My psychiatrist who is head of the PTSD Unit here said it takes a person with very thick skin to live and love someone with PTSD. I think they all need a medal if they decide to stick around. Don't blame her mate.
It will be better to have an amicable relationship than none at all, that way you still have a chance, rather than burning all the bridges.

Good luck and what the boys have said above, keep the communications channels open mate.

Jimmy

 

[Zipperhead]

Morning Skywalker. It's a new day. Don't dwell on what's past. If you can move on, maybe she will move with you.

 

[vikingr12]

All the way.

This is tough to respond to because I just got my wife back, for how long I don't know. Walking on egg shells is not even close. More like walking through a mine field.

The advice is good here. Step back. Let your mind fall free and let hers too. Half, even more than half, of the problem is worry and anxiety. You are going to be OK. Say that to yourself over and over.

Take your meds. Never stop taking your meds. Never run out of your meds. "This is my rifle. This is my gun" is easy to remember. So is remembering to take your meds. And be wary when the meds are changed. It might feel different so be ready for it and accept that the change is because of the meds.

Learn to meditate. I didn't say "pray" but that's OK too. You have to have some calm time each day, maybe more, to empty your mind and let things GO. Find that peaceful place in your childhood, someplace that evokes peace when you think of it and stay there as long as you can. When you get to the point that you can cry, your gonna be OK. Crying is always good. These guys have brought me back from oblivion many times, and I am a newcomer too. I guess we are all cherries when it comes to PTSD.

At a boarded 100% you are on our radar so don't fall off.

Wait until you and she can talk calmly and bring up all the things the guys have already mentioned about getting her involved in your story. And remember, she has the right not to go. So you need to prepare your Self for the rest of your life. Work on You, not Her.

And the very best to you. We're on your side.

 

[Anglesachse]

Good words from good brothers here Sky.

Like Viking, I only got my wife back a while back. But it took a lot of effort and willpower to change myself and for her to see me making the effort.

But we did meet in the middle, well actualy slightly on my side but you know what I mean.

One of the biggest eye openers for her was the "Your not in the army now" video here on the forum in the media section.

You may find she isn`t into reading all the docs of what and why on PTSD. It is a daunting process and very dry.

The video is simple and short and may get her into another frame of mind, that she wants to learn more.

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[Cufflinks]

Hi Skywalker,
I'm just starting out on this battle after having fought it and denied it for 20 years. Everything you say feels like I'm saying it. My wife says she's finally had enough and to be honest, I can't blame her. However, I desperately don't want to lose her or my family. I'm trying to get my wife to join the forum as a supporter as the worst that could happen is that she can have a rant and vent what must be a lot of pain. My symptoms didn't come for 10 years and then they slowly and gradually got worse. Over the past couple of years I have probably turned into a monster and am now gonna get this dealt with.