Wife met with attorney today

[Fadeaway]

@mbrady I know it hurts but I have been following your story, and I think you know what she talked about with the lawyer, it is pretty obvious. I know it is scary for and it hurts but if you want to ever see your children again if they are under 18. LAWYER UP LIKE YESTERDAY. IMHO she is the nutty one, but it is clear she has been setting the stage to make you look like you are unable to care for children and that she is a victim. Her friends have clearly been helping her set this up.

If my wife is under some kind of brainwashing or other mental problems I said I would stay by her in sickness.

She is being brainwashed, and not the kind you can help her with. For goodness sakes she is saying you PTSD is really just the devil attacking you!She has made all kinds of religious extremist statements to you.

There is nothing you can do at this point to save your marriage but you can take steps to protect yourself from the vile plans her friends have been feeding her to destroy you.

YOU DID NOT FAIL AS A HUSBAND

This sucks and it is going to hurt. I hurt for you knowing what you are about to face but you have support here.

 

[Justmehere]

I agree with @Friday, you didn't fail as a husband. Trying to blame yourself for matters out of your control isn't going to help you be a good husband or a father to your kids.

And right now, I'm worried she may try to take your kids while her family is in town to help and you are still dragging your feet on getting a family law attorney that can help you prevent that from happening.

Do you really want your kids in the sole custody of somebody who thinks that PTSD is the devil trying to rape one's mind? Ugh.

Abandonment and divorce I have some of the most stressful things somebody can go through - A more professional and nonprofessional support you can find, but are you and your kids are going to get through this. No matter what happens with your marriage.

Focus less about how to work with her right now and more about where to find support.

 

[mbrady]

Thanks for your suggestions and support. I've upped my sessions to twice a week and insurance has agreed to cover it so that's good. I know you're all trying to help and getting a lawyer will be something I do but only if/when it comes to it. Meaning I get served. What's the trophy for me starting the process first? I get say "I left her"? Then I have to go pay for the lawyer, she gets to come in the courtroom and play the poor abandoned wife. "How could he leave us after 23 years of being the sole bread winner?" That judge will eat me alive. Colorado is a no fault divorce state so I don't have to prove misconduct and neither does she. But I go in guns blazing I'll be falling right into her trap.

Not to mention she'll use that to turn the kids against me. "See boys your dad left me, no money, no career, how could he?"

 

[Fadeaway]

Don't go guns a blazing. You are right about that being a bad idea, and you don't want to start the process, but it appears that she already is. So I would still recommend getting a lawyer on retainer to advise you on how to protect yourself before she serves you. Also, document everything and create paper trails that way you have evidence to defend yourself if need be. Better to be prepared and not need it, than to be caught unprepared.

 

[mbrady]

@Fadeaway Okay I see what you mean. And I see the wisdom there I just don't know where the money will come from. She hasn't served me yet I think b/c she doesn't have the money. Neither do I.
But I can and have been documenting everything. Like she has I'm sure.

 

[mbrady]

She finally told me that the meeting was an initial consult to get information and no action is going to be take in the immediate future. At least not before my sons graduation party. Deep breath. In the process of arguing about not paying her car payment she revealed she has had access to the individual account I set up this whole time. She said if I would stop spending money on Mcdonalds breakfast and Amazon purchases I would have enough for her car payment. The Amazon purchases were less than $100 and included household items AND her Mother's Day gift from me!! >:(
And even if you added it all up it still wasn't enough to cover even half of her $540 car payment.
All the while she's been telling our kids and everyone else in her support network that I cut her off and how financial unsafe she is. After she admitted it, out of anger for not paying her car payment, she tried to back out of it, say she didn't know she wasn't supposed to see it, etc. Apparently she had access to my saved password on her phone. So fool me once I guess.
After this I told her I didn't like who she's become and finding it very hard to keep fighting and give a damn anymore. She hasn't replied yet.
I know a lot of people in my support network, including here, and family are asking why I stay. My sister has walked through these past 23 years with through everything. She knows my wife has always been a little off to her, but that something has definitely changed recently and her behavior goes beyond not making any sense. Smh

 

[Gadgie]

I know what it's like, my ex wife and I were having a civilised split up, with no animosity what so ever, until she emploued a solicitor, then the sh!t hit the fan and all Hell broke lose!

Her whole attitude changed, and she became so vindictive and greedy, I just couldn't believe the change in her? I saw a side to her that I had never seen in all the 23 years we were married?

In the end I was only too pleased to get away from her, and thankfully have never seen her since, and that was over 23 years ago now.

Divorce seems to bring the worst out of everyone involved?

 

[mbrady]

@Gadgie interesting you split up at the 23 year mark.

 

[Gadgie]

I think it was all to do with me working away from home a lot, we just drifted apart and started living our own separate lives?

That's when I met second wife, and we were together for 23 years, before she passed away.

 

[mbrady]

I’ve been away for a while. Today is apparently my 1 yr anni with MyPTSD forums. Yay!!

A lot has happened in the last year. I lost my job due to PTSD triggers and my boss throwing me under the bus. Got another job and lost that one in Feb after I told my superiors I have PTSD and asked for help. 2 hours after I asked I was escorted from the building by the head of security. Like I had done something. Well that was in fact illegal of them and I’m pursuing action against them for that.

In March I moved in with my sister. The wife filed divorce papers and we are currently gathering all the documentation and preparing for the initial status conference. She will not tell me what she wants from this divorce (i.e. parenting time, assets, etc.). Big surprise. Somehow she rallied support in her corner to afford a lawyer. Being unemployed I have yet to hire an attorney for myself. I don’t have the retainer. I’m broke as the day she met me.

I have been having migraines, thoughts of suicide, dissociation events, joint pain, heartburn and insomnia. But it’s not b/c I cling to the illusion I can still fix this. That ship has sailed. It’s b/c I feel she has the upper hand and I’m disadvantaged w/o my own attorney.

I need support and so I have returned here as this was the best source of advise to this point. Not that I took it all but it was mostly all sound advise. Thank you.

When I last posted I was still in the mindset things may change. I know that I know that I know I have done everything humanly possible and more and have made the decision to move forward with the divorce. I had to get to that point my way and am happy to say that it brings me peace to have made the turn. I know, “finally”, right!?

We had a family conference before I moved out where I informed our boys of our decision. I was in the process of working up the divorce papers using an online service when she magically hired an attorney and filed against me first. No biggy I wanted it to happen and I live in a no fault 50/50 type state. It was scummy of her to go behind my back but whatever.

Since losing my jobs back to back I have been driving for Lyft. It’s nice. I set my own hours and work when I want. But it in no way pays the bills let alone allows me to save for a retainer. I am looking into low income options to retain counsel but not having luck yet. My family have helped out as much as they can but it falls well below the $5k I need to lawyer up.

She hasn’t asked me for money in over a month. Somehow the basic needs of her and the kids are being met but she doesn’t pay any bills. The electricity is pending disconnect. The car is pending repo. The tires are shot to where I can the wires coming though. My bank account is negative. The mortgage has not been paid. Insurance is set to cancel for non payment. I have zero credit and my score is in the toilet due to all this. But this squid is out of ink. You can’t get blood from a turnip. I can only do so much and now even with all this going on she still hasn’t gotten a job. Worse yet she has the nerve to ask why I’m not working for both Uber and Lyft.

I couldn’t do any of this to her. I haven’t done any of this to her. She’s got to live with it, I don’t. Morally and spiritually I’m holding the high ground. But morals and spirits don’t pay the piper.

Current state of mind - deeply wounded but still in the fight. I have bad days where I can’t believe this is real. Where I miss her (old her). But I don’t love her the same anymore and I can’t make her love me.

My sissy and niece have been an awesome source of support.

 

[Justmehere]

@mbrady - wow, kudos to you for continuing to press on with the job situations. The divorce sucks, but it may be a way through to a new beginning and a much better chapter of life. It really stinks to be going through all of this. My heart goes out to you.

Have you found any counseling? You can try your local United way for low cost counseling and other resources by calling 211 from any US phone.

 

[mbrady]

@mbrady - wow, kudos to you for continuing to press on with the job situations. T...

I haven’t found counseling yet but insurance kicks in first of next month. So it should be easier then.

I have my first court appearance tomorrow morning. I’ll be a third of the way through this after that. Im nervous but, as dumb as this may sound, I’m not nervous for me, but for her. She hasn’t complied with the court to get me her financial disclosures. She’s the one with the lawyer and it doesn’t seem like she knows what’s required. Then I think well maybe she does and there is going to be some big curve ball tomorrow. Then I start getting nervous for me. But only a little b/c I’m in compliance but I don’t know what I don’t know.