Supporter Wife Of Childhood Trauma Ptsd Spouse... Need A Safe Place To Talk

[Tlzpm]

Hello! I'm not sure where to start. I've been married to my husband for nearly a decade and I've never shared this before. My husband was abused by his mother and witnessed his father verbally and emotionally abusing his mother ( also, other abuse happened behind closed doors.) His mother left when he was a child and his father made it very difficult for him to see his mother at all for years. She was murdered by her second husband when he was in high school. Just recently that man died in prison.

My husband is a very intelligent and kind man. He is charming and brilliant and can be very sweet. He finally got diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago. He takes medication to help with nightmares and sleep paralysis and other medications for anxiety. The medication seems to help a bit. He seems less likely to get angry.

I'm really struggling because he frequently says that I don't love him, I don't understand him, I don't give him enough love and attention, I neglect him, I don't want to know him, I destroy his self-esteem, I don't give him the right kind of sexual attention, I hate him, I will leave him and take our children, AND I want him to kill himself. He also will hit himself in the head with his hand and try to grab my hands to make me hit him. This breaks my heart. I love him so very much. He is my best friend. I feel like no matter what I do or say it's never enough. I have very gently tried to suggest that no matter how much I love him, he needs to try to learn to love himself. That I will stand beside him every step of the way and that I will always be beside him... but I'm just a person... a very finite person. I can be his wife, but not his savior. When we first met he had a robust faith. Now he detests religion. I respect his right to change his convictions, but I wish he could put his trust in a God who loves him.

Last night he kept me up until 3am crying violently about how I never help him or support him, about how I don't understand his pain, about how I don't make him feel important... like he's not my first priority. He says I don't ask him enough about his pain and trauma. He says he wants to die so the pain will stop. I just rocked him and held him and cried and told him I love him, I'LL always be by his side, and that I'm sorry if I hurt him. I said please stay with me. You are so precious to me... and to the kids.

He has been saying 'you want me to kill myself' or threatening to hurt himself regularly since we were first engaged. I thought that over time he would be more sure of my love and loyalty and wouldn't need to act out that way. I realize how naive this was now. I have also driven myself to anxiety worrying that I had some sort of emotional problem that was making me cold or cruel in ways I couldn't perceive. I know now that one of the reasons he fell in love with me is my compassion. I was a professional crisis counselor and was trained to be a pastor.

He never does these things in front of the kids. He is a kind and loving father. This is like our own personal hell that rages when the lights turn off mostly.

I don't know if it's OK ethically to call his psychiatrist to tell her about his symptoms and the suicide threats. I just feel so alone. We have 5 kids 9 yo and under. I homeschool our kids and provide all of the discipline and emotional support for them and run a household and frequently need to be there for my alcoholic mother and clinically depressed father. I also have a chronic illness.

I'm trying to take better care of myself. Exercising every day, eating better, taking my meds, and trying to find small ways to fill my spirit everyday. I guess writing this is part of that. Sorry this is so long. Can any supporters relate? I need to know I'm not alone. Can anyone with PTSD help me understand how to help?

 

[jc3]

Hello! I'm not sure where to start. I've been married to my husband for nearly a decade and I've never...

I cannot imagine how difficult and scary it must be for you to be in that position. I have CPTSD, and my condition formulated primarily because of excruciating abandonment. So, I have experienced the agonizing depths of fear over loss and rejection many times. Even the potential for loss and rejection has been very painful, and it sounds like your husband is also afraid of potential loss. It sounds like he's in so much pain and having flashbacks often enough to where he constantly fears the worst case scenario. I understand being in so much pain that death seems the only possible alternative. I can recommend some therapeutic techniques that have helped me, along with a few books that, if he's willing to read, may open up his eyes to what's truly going on. You may want to look into what's known as EMDR light therapy, and Traumatic incident reduction. I know that my recovery took a quantum leap when I was finally diagnosed and started to learn about the condition. I'm glad that you are there for him, it sounds like he really needs that.

 

[Snowflakes]

I am a supporter and was about to post my own introduction but yours paralleled mine so closely I thought I could answer your last paragraph. No, you are not alone, I can relate.

My wife has been diagnosed with PTSD and GAD arising from childhood trauma made worse by a previously abusive husband.

I have been the recipient of accusations based primarily on her trust issues. I understand exactly what you're going through. I've gone through this for the past 5 years and it's gotten worse the past year. In my heart, I know she loves me and knows what she is doing to me but does it anyway.

Between the outbursts and the isolating, I have moved through explaining myself, frustration, anger, and heartbreak. I've quit my job for her and lost most of my friends trying to help her. Not taking care of myself has put a huge toll on my emotional state.

The first to go is communication, and then giving up, to finally letting go. I will not physically walk out the front door but emotionally I have let her go. I have learned there is nothing I can do or say to change it. I am a supporter but in name only because she doesn't want my support. Maybe she does but the illness won't allow her to accept it.

I don't have any advice that will help you. I just want you to know you're not alone. I think none of us are alone in the grand scheme of things, we are just alone in our own home.

Snowflakes

 

[Oakumhead2]

Like animals in a shelter, not alone but isolated from the others.

 

[Tlzpm]

I really appreciate everyone's responses. I'm truly grateful to have found this site. It keeps me from slipping into a dark place to know that I (and we) are not alone. My husband is going through a particularly tough time right now. I made what was probably a huge mistake by telling him about something he did that hurt me. He asked me if he had ever done something that I resented ( after telling me how he resented that I have a few minor (at least to my mind) boundaries when it comes to our sexual intimacy (I was assaulted in college)). I told him that I was hurt that when we miscarried this fall (our little one was 11 weeks) I felt very alone because his stress cup was so full that he told me to try not to be emotional because he couldn't deal with it. It was a burden to him. He got so mad and defensive when I told him how it made me feel. Every time I try to express what I'm feeling it's too much. If I feel sad or upset and start to cry he acts like I'm only doing it to guilt or manipulate him. I always end up apologizing profusely while he says " Why are you doing this to me? Why are you hurting me?" Anything that even remotely sounds like criticism or expresses a need of mine is like I've told him he's worthless.

Last night, we had a horrible night. He insists on knowing every detail of every previous sexual relationship I had prior to meeting him. When we were engaged I told him (because he asked) that I had had a short sexual relationship with a mutual friend before we had met... before we had even lived in the same city. He got so upset that he left. He got angry and left for about an hour. I was so upset and beside myself. I have my own issues with sexual shame and this experience really rattled me. When he got back he demanded to know exactly what happened and how many times it happened. I told him it only happened once. This was a lie. It actually happened twice. He was so upset and I was so anxious and worried he wouldn't love me any more. It was wrong to lie, but I was so thrown off balance and ashamed. I had only slept with two men before we met and was in a relationship that was somewhat sexual (but no sex) when we first met. He's asked me all kinds of details about these things. A few things I had fudged because he gets so upset when I answer these questions (and also if I don't). Not big things, but weirdly specific details. I try to say that those things are in the past and I've given him 10 years of marriage, 5 kids, and I give him every day I have left on this earth... why dwell on the past? Last night, he said he knew I wasn't being truthful about these things. I broke down crying and told him about the details I had fudged and tried to explain that while I know it was wrong to be dishonest, I was trying not to hurt him and I was trying to avoid him looking down on me. He was so upset. He told me I had hurt him with my lies and was trying to make him feel guilty. I told him how sorry and ashamed I was of being untruthful. He says I don't love him. No one loves him. Everyone just uses him. That no one is going to know how much trouble he's in until he puts a bullet in his brain. He's in a bad place and talking about suicide a lot. I don't know where to go for help. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I feel like if I show any emotion that can be construed as hurt or disapproval i could push him over the edge. I think we're dealing with c-ptsd (thanks so much for the info @jc3 ). Is it ok for me to call his psychiatrist with my concerns? I'm afraid that if he found out he would feel so hurt and betrayed. Thanks for listening. Sorry to go on and on.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Tlzpm You asked if it is ok to call his psychiatrist with your concerns. I can't answer that. What I can say is that it was very helpful when I told my sufferer I would be willing to go with her to her sessions. The psychiatrist always asks her if she wants to be alone or if she wants me in the session. When we got to that point, it seemed to make a difference. She still has her trust issues from her past but she talks to the psychiatrist in my presence rather than screaming accusations towards me. It's still not an easy road and the episodes are continuing but I sense that going together was the key....is the key, to her recovery and my sanity.

 

[Tlzpm]

@Tlzpm You asked if it is ok to call his psychiatrist with your concerns. I can't...

Thanks for sharing, Snowflakes. I'm so glad that your wife is open to this. Maybe someday my husband will be too. I've offered to go with him a few times but he doesn't want me to... which I feel like I need to respect. I'll gently offer again before his next appointment. I worry that because he is so high functioning and intelligent and charming out there in the world that she isn't seeing the whole picture. I don't know if he trusts her enough to show her the real depth of what he's grappling with.

I feel guilty for dumping that whole rant on this thread yesterday. Thanks for reading and replying!!

 

[Snowflakes]

@Tlzpm I understand the part where he presents a facade to the world that doesn't match your reality. That's rough on you because you are essentially alone trying to figure out what to do so please don't feel guilty for your post. This is why we are all here....to help each other. If no no other reason but to have a place to vent. This place with all of you helps me keep my sanity.

Maybe is psych doctor is or maybe she isn't seeing the whole picture. She never will without you because I truly feel healing for the sufferer must involve the supporter especially when trust issues are involved. Hopefully the psych doctor will steer your spouse towards your involvement eventually.

You are respecting his boundary, you are only trying to get him to respect yours. It's a two way street. Take care and I truly wish you and your husband happiness.