General Wife to a recently diagnosed PTSD sufferer - need a little advice

[Daerhel]

Hi There.
My husband was in a car accident roughly 2.5 years ago. He suffered multiple injuries, including a back injury that he was lucky didn't leave him paralyzed.The hospital he was taken to refused him emergency care, due to our medical aid plan having run out of savings funds (we're from South Africa).
We've been busy with a case against the Road Accident Fund and hospital since not long thereafter.
About a year ago, I started noticing changes in my husband. We've been married 5 years this year, and he is definitely not 100% the same man he was back then. His sleep pattern changed, going from gaming to all hours of the night and not needing much sleep, he started taking afternoon naps, going to bed earlier than normal, but waking during the night. His personality seems to have changed a bit too, he's more easily irritated and angers quickly. Arguments, which used to be few and far between, have become an almost daily thing.
About a month ago he was sent by the lawyers to see a psychiatrist, who, after working with him through his early childhood (my husband was adopted as a toddler), up to the accident and thereafter, has diagnosed him with PTSD. He recommended treatment, and did mention that this would be a long haul to recovery.
My husband has yet to seek treatment, based on the fact that we can't afford it. Yet still, he likes to remind me, every time we argue, or something goes wrong, that he has PTSD and I must just understand.
I have done a lot of research, and now know he has recurring nightmares, and that driving in a lot of traffic, or in the dark (accident occurred before sunrise), is one of his biggest triggers. I have also picked up that a lot of loud noise, like more than one person talking to him at the same time, or shouting, also triggers him. (this happens often, as our daughter doesn't understand that daddy can't listen when 2 people talk at the same time, and tries to make herself heard over me, if we're talking to each other.)
I am getting to a point where I'm starting to feel like I don't know what happiness is anymore. This is affecting not only my life but our almost 5 year old daughter's too.
I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time, and it is exhausting.
The hardest part is, I feel like I'm forcing the triggers on him daily, as I don't/can't drive (I have my own issues with a fear of actually driving a car) and have to rely on him to drop me off at work and pick me up again, he also has to drop our daughter off at school. This puts him in high traffic situations, as we live in a big city. This causes high anxiety situations.
I try keeping him calm when I am in the car, but nothing I do or say works, so now I just tend to try and sit quietly.

As I said I've researched and I do try to help, but I really don't know how to help.
He keeps saying he'll go for treatment, and then backs out saying we can't afford it, or forgot to call. I try to get him to talk about it, but he clams up. The only time it is mentioned, is when we've argued or are arguing, and he fees the need to remind me of the PTSD. Which of course causes me to keep quiet. But then, after a day or 2 I am called out for 'ignoring' him.

It's like being on a roundabout that goes up and down and I have no idea how else to help.

Sorry for the long post. And hope someone has some advice for me.

 

[EveHarrington]

Avoidance isn’t a recommended coping skill, but it seems to me like you could lighten his stress load by tackling your own issues with driving.

 

[Daerhel]

I didn't post here looking to have my own issues pointed out Eve. I know it's a problem and have been in therapy for this, nothing has really helped tho.
I'm looking for advice on how to help my husband with his PTSD and not have my faults pointed out.

 

[dcb2410]

Hi Daerhel. I’ve received some replies on this site that I haven’t felt to be particularly understanding. I think one of the challenges is that in a written post things can be interpreted different ways. I’m grieving a sudden end of a relationship where I question what I could have done differently for that not to happen. As someone who has been through very traumatic moments in life and was also in a relationship with someone who had lived through a lot of trauma I would offer the following advice. When I have been in emotional pain or trauma I have felt that people haven’t listened to what I needed. Others on this site have suggested I look at my own behaviour when it came to the event that resulted in my recent relationship end. When I’ve found things all too much in the past what I have hoped for is someone who would accept I was in pain, acknowledge it, confirm that this was an understandable thing and ask me what it was that they could do to help. What things they could do. There have been times I could not articulate what those things were. I just needed to be. It’s pretty clear from my recent relationship ending that that was a failing on my part when it came to my partner. I thought I was communicating what she wanted. But in the moment she just needed me to back off

Sometimes going for therapy can be terrifying. It isn’t for me. But I’ve had a recent experience with a friend who had a traumatic childhood and it took a very long time and much prodding from his partner to engage in therapy.

I’m saying this from a place of recognising my own failings. I narrowly escaped having a very major accident a couple of months ago and even without there being an accident I find my nerves a bit shot driving now.

I think if you could sit and talk calmly and ask if there is anything you could do to help your husband if he was able to articulate what would assist him you may get somewhere. If he can’t articulate it then if you want the relationship then perhaps step back and focus on some self care strategies such as mindfulness.

Just saying this someone who obviously got my response horribly wrong.

 

[dcb2410]

Or if your needs are not being met then maybe you need to take other action. I’ve probably spent too much of my life forgiving the unacceptable behaviour of You will get mixed advice here.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hi @Daerhel. I’m a supporter too, so I totally get the roundabout. It’s a learning curve, and nobody knows what to do when it kicks off.

I didn't post here looking to have my own issues pointed out Eve. I know it's a problem and have been in therapy for this, nothing has really helped tho.
I'm looking for advice on how to help my husband with his PTSD and not have my faults pointed out.

The truth is, that as a supporter, a lot of times your issues actually set off your sufferer. Particularly in this instance where your issue is directly related to one of his legitimate triggers. I don’t believe @EveHarrington was taking a dig at you, but she was making a point. He is being triggered every day, and that has to be contributing to the rollercoaster considering that he is untreated and hasn’t learned any methods to cope with that.

That doesn’t mean that your issues around driving are not valid, or that you’re purposely causing him stress. It is just an unhappy coincidence. There are supporters here with any number of issues themselves. I personally have GAD and panic attacks, which mixes with my partner’s PTSD just about as well as you can imagine. The thing is, in a relationship we have to learn to manage our own shit, just as much as we expect our partners to manage theirs. I know that I absolutely cannot expect help from my Vet when my anxiety is bad. PTSD is a broken stress response, and he cannot manage his own stress. *My* anxiety sets him off in the worst way. My responsibility is to manage my stress levels, recognize when I’m ramping up, and self soothe. He cannot take care of me because if I melt down, he melts down 10 times worse. He is awesome in many other ways, but I definitely have to take care of myself in this regard. He works on his PTSD, and I work on this.

Likewise you cannot help him if he is triggered. Nothing you can say or do is going to calm him. If I try to help my triggered vet it’s like sticking my face in a bear trap. It’s a process he has to work through himself. I would personally give up on trying to calm him in the car.

With that being said, PTSD is not a get out of jail free card. He cannot use it to win an argument, or to justify being an ass because he is stressed. He has to work on managing his stressors, especially if one of them is your daughter just being a typical 4 year old.

I would start by reading these... I found them both very helpful when I first started dealing with my symptomatic partner.

The ptsd cup explanation

Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?

I don’t want to throw too much at you at once... but I get the frustration and confusion. Welcome to the forum. There really is a lot of good advice here.

 

[EveHarrington]

I didn't post here looking to have my own issues pointed out Eve. I know it's a problem and have been in therapy for this, nothing has really helped tho.
I'm looking for advice on how to help my husband with his PTSD and not have my faults pointed out.

Hi, I was referring to his (potential) avoidance. I am sorry for being unclear. I’m not saying to work on your own struggles so that he can avoid driving altogether, rather I’m saying that if you could help lighten his driving load, then he would likely feel less daily stress. If he has a bad day, then you could take over and do the driving instead. My PTSD is mainly from sexual trauma, not car accidents (although I have had numerous accidents/near accidents from the right so any unexpected movement from the right does trigger me), but I do have times when I am so dissociated that I can’t drive. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does I have the ability to ask others to drive me to errands etc when I am unable to drive myself. It’s nice to be able to have the ability to ask for driving relief when I need it. I know it’s important for him to work on his own issues, I just thought that it would possibly help him by having you be able to drive some in order to lessen his stress load. I know that from my own personal experience, it seems that the less triggering I experience, the more that my system has been able to heal. I apologize for any misunderstanding.

 

[LuckiLee]

Sadly, as a supporter there is nothing we can do to help our sufferer heal. They need a good trauma therapist and at the minimum, learn about the disorder. There is alot to learn!

Driving will probably always be a trigger for your guy. I know it is for my guy from his years of combat. And he's been out of the service for 15 years. He drives but it is very very VERY stressful. (Did I mention it's stressful?)

As always, Sweetpea76 speaks the truth and said everything I would have said if I had the words.

I think you should learn about the disorder too. Coming to this forum was a GREAT first step. This is a wonderful place to learn and share. You won't always like some of our responses but they come from good places.

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. I know how hard it is. Take good care of yourself and welcome to the forums.

 

[Daerhel]

Thank you SweetPea76, dcb2410, LuckiLee and EveHarrington for the advice.

I will definitely be reading the articles you have mentioned SweetPea.

@EveHarrington Thank you for clearing up what you meant, and I do apologise for taking a jab too. Not knowing how to handle my husband's PTSD is stressful for me too, and I'm sorry for taking that stress out on you.

I have been working on my driving issue for years. I've had therapy, gotten a learner's licence more than once, and have actually gotten to the point where I have learned to drive. Biggest problem is, as soon as I get into the car to do my actual driver's licence I panic. And because of this have failed my driver's test every time.
I can drive, as long as there's no traffic on the road.... the more cars there are, the more likely I am to just pull over and walk.
Living in a big city certainly doesn't help, as the roads are jam packed every day.

We already moved to an area that would be more against the flow of traffic, at least in one direction per day, and I do believe this does ease some of the pressure off hubby, just not enough.

My dad is also not far away, and does help in picking me and our daughter up when hubby really can't.

It's hard, and I just keep praying and hoping that somehow we'll find a way to get him the treatment he needs so that he can learn to at least cope a little easier.

I have been browsing the forum, but it's hard to tell what is relevant, what is good advice and what to avoid.

Thanks again guys! Happy to have found somewhere to go for sound advise and support. :)