General Wife With Long Term Ptsd. Need Help. Need To Talk. Need Courage...

[Unknown Person]

Hi everyone,

This is my second post here. My first post (33980) was my introduction and cry out for help. As a synopsis, my wife was on the verge of something bad just over a week ago and I didn't know what to do. She was on the edge of ending it all but I wasn't about to let her. We have a 2 year old daughter and I'm sure that this is effecting her at some level...

Here is an update from the last post and major incident...

Night of: The night that my wife was seemingly on the verge of taking her own life, I somehow convinced her that I would rather her lay in bed all day not wanting to do anything and not caring than to end it all right then and there. We essentially made a deal that she would just lay in bed forever more. That was the night I wrote my first post.

Next day: The next day was difficult. My wife pretty well literally spent the entire day in bed, did not eat any food and just drank a small amount of coffee. My reasoning for this behaviour to my daughter and anyone else, was that she was feeling sick. My parents were supposed to be coming to stay with us, but that was not about to happen. Not after what had happened. Our place was a mess and there was no space (physically or emotionally) for them at our house. They stayed with my sister instead and my daughter and I visited them there. It was mother's day and we had planned a dinner for my mother and my wife to celebrate. My wife was not about to attend this event but at least I had gotten her some flowers and she liked those. I talked to her before leaving and essentially made another deal with her... she told me that she really didn't want to be here and we discussed how, a long long long time ago, I told her that if she really wanted to leave this world, that we would talk about it and I would be open to what she wanted. We talked about that and came to the conclusion and deal that once we finished our move (yes, we are currently in the middle of a move), that she would see a PTSD, depression, anxiety specializing psychologist (which was a stones throw from our new place) at least for a little bit before we returned to the discussion about leaving everything for good. I told her that, though difficult, I would rather her be open about her feelings and tendencies than to have her disappear out of thin air, without warning.

After that: Things appeared to get better on the surface. But I knew that things were still underlying.

As of my writing this, things are feeling like they are heading back down a slippery slope after just recovering from the particularly bad incident.

I have had a lot of advice from people on this forum (from previous post) that it was best to have her admitted immediately and admitted to a hospital. I feel lack of courage to do this. I am also unsure that, in this particular case, that may not be as beneficial as to have her treated with a psychologist specializing in this kind of thing. Abandonment (or sense of abandonment) is probably one of the worst thing that I feel can be done to my wife considering her past and where her PTSD came from. Maybe that's just me trying to excuse away the inevitable to send her to a hospital to get treated... I need to talk about this.

I really appreciate the support. I do feel guilty and that I am not the one that really needs the support, but I know that I cannot talk to my wife about the way I feel as it just brings her down and makes her feel even more like everyone would be better off without her.

Thanks.

- U

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I have had a lot of advice from people on this forum (from previous post) that it was best to have her admitted immediately and admitted to a hospital. I feel lack of courage to do this. I am also unsure that, in this particular case, that may not be as beneficial as to have her treated with a psychologist specializing in this kind of thing.

I'm not a professional. I'm a sufferer. My opinion or suggestion would be to talk to someone immediately. I understand questioning your courage and struggling to find it. You are in a hard place. Your wife is too. I think in this moment you might consider her needs above your courage. You might not gain courage by talking yourself into it. You might however gain it by practicing it.

I wouldn't wait if I were you. I say this as a sufferer and as a woman who's ex husband committed suicide. You are having the rational thoughts that your wife seems unable to have. Reach out. It sounds like she really needs help as soon as possible. As for the specialists in a hospital I'm willing to bet if they don't have the one she needs they will find one for her. But usually the specialists are there.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So I take it that if your wife does succeed in killing herself you will have the courage to tell your daughter that you weren't brave enough to get her mother the help that she needed. Sorry to be so bold, but your wife is to the point of holding up knives to her neck (according to your other post), yet you say hospitalization and medication aren't right for her.

I'm a sufferer and while I fought every damn hospitalization with everything I've got, they're the reasons I'm here today. If I waited around to make an appointment with a therapist, then another few weeks/months for the first appointment and then even longer before anything substantial/helpful was even discussed, I'd be dead.

Honestly, you don't have the luxury of time. Get her hospitalized.

 

[Bilby]

I'm glad that your wife has agreed to see a psychologist who specialises in trauma. She certainly needs this, as a matter of urgency.

I can hear, and understand your concern, and fear. Truly, as a supporter (and someone who has had quite severe depression and anxiety), she needs help sooner rather than later. Do you have a good doctor, as in a general practitioner that the both of you could go and see to arrange a referral asap? How do you think your wife would feel if you were to bring this subject up with a view to fast-forwarding getting the therapy she needs right now?

Please don't think you don't need support or aren't important - you do, and you are.

 

[JustBe]

My son was suicidal and having him hospitalized for a brief time was heart wrenching but necessary. Be strong enough to do what you must both for your wife and your daughter.

Sometimes we must risk being hated and misunderstood when we Love someone enough to do what we must for their best interest.

I wish you both well. Please try to take care of You too.

 

[nursenurse]

Dear Lord, you both are on the way down the slope. She needs hospitalization, and she needs it now. Get over the abandonment thing, it's not like you are sending her away and throwing away the key. Think with your head and not with your heart. The aftermath of suicide is something no one should have to endure. In my world, they say suicide, they are out of here to let the professionals sort them out. She needs combined therapy in my opinion, and she won't be able to get all she needs on the outside. My heart goes out to you, good luck.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello U, this is just my personal experience, and I'm cross referencing to the other thread. I agree with what has been written here, and in the other thread, especially Amethist's response (in the other thread).

I was in your position with a relative when I was 6 years old, also again in 2005 and 2007 (incident). But also, I survived about 2 to 3 years wherein I myself don't know how I survived (myself suicidal). My heart goes out to you and all who have suffered here. But using your head, and your heart, I think you are actually on a correct track. From what you said, you have given your wife the environment to try to tell you the truth- that is HUGE (as nursenurse said, the term 'suicidal' comes up and everyone scatters). Similarly, I was told with (as regards) my relative (by relevant professionals), that if she found out I was trying to get her help behind her back, I would destroy the trust between us and do more harm than good. I think (naturally) anyone's response is to think professional help or hospitalization will be an immediate 'cure', but sometimes it stops people from coming forward. Or they get discharged and immediately try to do it. The more 'intent' the more they try to hide it (so as to not be stopped). Personally it would have destroyed me, but I did not have the relationship you do, or a child. And I would have incurred losses that affected others, and I simply couldn't have withstood that as well as loss of more control- I simply couldn't have bourne or lived with it, without help like she has from you.

BUT, I am in no way suggesting you delay getting help, perhaps a crisis team. Because you are not abandoning her, rather you are staying with her to do it. She is unable to think clearly, as evidenced where it would leave you and your child. Or to even think it's feasible to 'stay in bed forever'.

There is hope, years after the fact I gave my friend who heped me a page from the book "PTSD For Dummies" that a sufferer wrote who said, "because you understand why I may have to (re: suicide), maybe helps give me the means why then I don't have to". That woman went on to be very successul. Granted, however, I would never want to put smeone through that grief, or the grief of knowledge of it or helping, either. I feel badly I told my friend, though it wasn't intended and thankfully he's in a counselling profession. Then again, likely surely I would not be here without it. I do realze how incredibly difficult or near impossible it is to help someone feel they are not a burden or how others wouldn't be better off without them. I still struggle with it a lot.

So I hope together you can make a call, and help her to see it's just a step to getting better. And you'll be there. And things can get better. The move has to assume less priority than her life, because it will be a life of grief with a new place but no wife or mom there.

Hope for peace and help for you and your family.

 

[nimkekaa]

I do feel guilty and that I am not the one that really needs the support

You definitely do need the support. What you are going through is very difficult! I have had foster children who were suicidal and it is very emotionally draining and heart breaking to watch what they are going through. Please remember to take care of yourself first as your child needs you and you can't help your wife if you are sick from all the stress of this.

I have had a lot of advice from people on this forum (from previous post) that it was best to have her admitted

I think that its more that you need to get some help to help your wife. If you have professional help that believes that she needs to be admitted then you need to trust that they have the education behind their decision. This is not your area of expertise from what I have read. So you are seeking help and support and not trying to admit your wife but admitting her may be the help she needs.

if she found out I was trying to get her help behind her back,

I don't think that you should be doing this behind her back either. Trust is important and you need to be honest with her that you don't know how to keep her safe by yourself. Tell her that you are not abandoning her but asking for help, from people that know more about suicidal issues. All you want to do is get the best help you can for her because you and your child need her.

Your love and support may not be enough. You may need professional help and support. By doing this you are just doing the best you can for you and your family.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, and nimkekaa said something important on the other thread, it's too much to expect of anyone. To this day, on any day but mostly bad ones, I think my friend must think I'm I'm a problem he wishes would just go away, because of all that. You don't want your wife to feel like a greater burden, or to think (or for it to be) better for her to go away.

 

[Unknown Person]

So I take it that if your wife does succeed in killing herself you will have the courage to tell your daughter that you weren't brave enough to get her mother the help that she needed.

Though blunt, I know that this is true. It hurts both ways... obvious much more toward the latter.

Do you have a good doctor, as in a general practitioner that the both of you could go and see to arrange a referral asap? How do you think your wife would feel if you were to bring this subject up with a view to fast-forwarding getting the therapy she needs right now?

Unfortunately, here in Canada, general practitioners are in very high demand and very hard to come by - so, no, we do not have a good doctor to receive a referral from.

My heart goes out to you and all who have suffered here. But using your head, and your heart, I think you are actually on a correct track. From what you said, you have given your wife the environment to try to tell you the truth- that is HUGE (as nursenurse said, the term 'suicidal' comes up and everyone scatters). Similarly, I was told with (as regards) my relative (by relevant professionals), that if she found out I was trying to get her help behind her back, I would destroy the trust between us and do more harm than good. I think (naturally) anyone's response is to think professional help or hospitalization will be an immediate 'cure', but sometimes it stops people from coming forward. Or they get discharged and immediately try to do it. The more 'intent' the more they try to hide it (so as to not be stopped). Personally it would have destroyed me, but I did not have the relationship you do, or a child.

So I hope together you can make a call, and help her to see it's just a step to getting better. And you'll be there.

I don't think that you should be doing this behind her back either. Trust is important and you need to be honest with her that you don't know how to keep her safe by yourself. Tell her that you are not abandoning her but asking for help, from people that know more about suicidal issues. All you want to do is get the best help you can for her because you and your child need her.

Your love and support may not be enough. You may need professional help and support. By doing this you are just doing the best you can for you and your family.

Thanks for the support and understanding. Today I called the psychologist that she was seeing a year or so ago and she said that she needed to hear from my wife, which I was expecting but just wanted to lay the foundation for getting my wife to contact her in the near future.

I talked to my wife about it with no attempt to hide who I was just on the phone with and she agreed to calling the psychologist tomorrow to arrange an appointment...

Having her take steps and recognizing the need for professional help and having the willingness to receive professional help, I think, is a good thing. I will help her follow through on her word.

I think that today was a good day. We all actually got out of bed at a decent time, went out and watched the Victoria Day parade (its a Canadian thing), went to a friend's 2 year old son's birthday party and felt okay. I hope to keep the momentum moving and move forward with external help starting tomorrow.

Thanks again for all the words of wisdom and support. All of the advice is greatly appreciated.

- U

 

[Unknown Person]

Yes, and nimkekaa said something important on the other thread, it's too much to expect of anyone. To this day, on any day but mostly bad ones, I think my friend must think I'm I'm a problem he wishes would just go away, because of all that. You don't want your wife to feel like a greater burden, or to think (or for it to be) better for her to go away.

I don't want to feel like this either. And I don't.

All of this is especially hard because it has been just the two of us (now the three of us) for the past 7 years. Although, now apparent, necessary, it has been hard to justify help for myself. But as I continue to go on, I realize more and more that I have no one to support me, no one to talk to, and I'm starting to struggle to tread water.

All of this is amazingly helpful. I will continue to thank everyone for there support and presence to tak.

- U

 

[Tinyflame]

You are very welcome, I'm sure everyone is just happy for you and your wife, and that step. And of course you need support, perhaps even more than most. Maybe good things can come out of it for each of you.

(I should have said too, doctors and hospitals are a trigger for me, especially as a patient, not all feel that way. But I understand, am Canadian ("eh" :) ) and also don't have a regular Doctor.)

In a great way you are right, someone ('sane and grounded') has to take the reigns. At my worst moments truth be known I couldn't recall any memories or associations, just names or 'people', not relationships or recall reasons to not to. Which is hard to admit. Constricted and screwed up thinking. Though you are still not responsible for your wife's ultimate choices. Suicidal ideation or problems have even been described like an emotional cancer, not her fault, not your fault. You can only attempt to help, but please don't ever blame yourself.

You wouldn't know it from this, but I've come a long way. Your wife can too. And I am thankful for the help, she will be also. In fact, giving credit to others where it's due helps to not concentrate on the feelings of shame or regret of not being stronger. It's really a process.

Best wishes and good luck today.