Will I never learn how to love?

[PreciousChild]

I can theoretically talk about love and a part of me puts a lot of stock in it. But in practice, I feel like there are some fundamental pieces missing inside my soul. I am so drained from today, but actually NOTHING happened. But I had a full on drama in my head of my own making that has left me exhausted. I could swear to you that my boyfriend of over a year cheated on me. I could tell you all my evidence, and I put together a coherent narrative of everything that has happened in the last few days that proved I was right. I've done this many times with different scenarios (usually about not being prioritized) in the past year and in previous relationships. Then as I spoke to my bf this afternoon in person, every piece of "evidence" fell apart. The only smart thing I've been able to do with my current bf though is to know the wisdom of just stfu. All the evidence I tested him with was done in a stealthy way. My bf's been such a supportive force in my life that there must be some part of me that questions my suspicions and keeps me from throwing accusations at him. If I did though, I know that he'd talk with me about how I was feeling and would do whatever he could to reassure me that I'm important to him. But I am so grateful for that small part of me that chose to stay quiet because rather than expending energy arguing over literally nothing, we had a day of bonding and fun. But I know that this is not the last time and I'm still feeling the emotions that I kept bottled in.

By the way, over the holidays, my bf went all out buying, making, planning several gifts that is the stuff of dreams. I was floating on cloud nine. But it never lasts. Whatever is missing in me can never be satisfied, and is always emptying out whatever last joy and displays of love I got from my bf. It kind of reminds me of my exes - no matter how much I tried and worked to make them happy, it was never enough. I see now that I have that same template. But in feeding into theirs, I was distracted from my own, underlying black hole.

One thing I observed is that to be honest, I do not fully trust love. I think in my bf's mind, we're a normal couple. For example, he's told me how happy it makes him to see happy childhood pictures of me, knowing that I had good moments. I hold on to that detail because it's a sign for me that he cares and loves me just cause, and he isn't in the relationship just for the sex or merely exploitive/useful stuff. But it makes me realize that I haven't really been in a relationship that I could truly trust and rely upon. And since my template of love is still based on my childhood, there's always an underlying question in my mind, why are you in the relationship? What do you want? Why are you being nice to me? My parents didn't show me love, so I think deep down it's really hard for me to believe that anyone could just give you love, just like that without any agenda. In my previous relationships, I always had to pay some price for being in the relationship, so I could relate to that. But it's so hard to accept unconditional love. Damn, I hope I don't destroy things with my bf and hurt him and myself because of what my parents did.

 

[bellbird]

Excuse the cliche, but if there's one thing that I've learnt about love, it's that you need to be able to love yourself before you can truly expect yourself to love, and receive love from, another.

why are you in the relationship? What do you want?

Perhaps a helpful step could be asking these questions of yourself?

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks @bellbird. I do think a valid consideration is that maybe I should not be in a relationship, not until I've figured myself out or maybe not ever. But I've been going by the idea that I can try to work on myself and on a relationship at the same time. In fact, there has been so much I've learned in being in this relationship that I'm not quite sure I could have given myself - lessons on trust, care, and having my assumptions and distortions challenged. I have worked really hard on myself too through therapy, reading, and reflection. I do think I am trying and have come far, especially from the time I was depersonalized and not even able to feel emotion in any way. My problems now seem like a luxury compared to that.

I also think I have a lot to offer. My bf tells me that when he met me, he felt like he walked through a door that gave him a new world. I think he sees our relationship as a gift, just like I do. My cptsd is not all there is to me, but it is what I focus on here.

 

[Friday]

I do think a valid consideration is that maybe I should not be in a relationship, not until I've figured myself out or maybe not ever.

Interesting that you made that leap. That’s not what I read @bellbird saying. And it’s a really useful trick in avoiding spiraling helplessness / anxiety/ codependent abuse patterns. Ask yourself the same Q’s that are in a roiling boil in your own mind. Know your own answers, get really solid in them, before worrying about anyone else’s answers.

So, maybe try the Q’s straight, instead of jumping to the worst possible conclusion?

Why are you in this relationship? (All the reasons, including half reasons :tup: ).
What do you want? (Life, relationships in general, this relationship in particular)

It’s a type of reframe... when the thought attacks “Does he like me???” Stop. Ask yourself. “Do I like him?” Take whatever the thought it, and flip it around, to one that can be answered. And to the most important answer. Which is yours.

 

[PreciousChild]

I agree that I jumped to an extreme conclusion. I've been thinking about what that says about my attitude. I think for me, love leaves me feeling quite exposed and even endangered. I know that sounds dramatic, but I've learned about myself that it's one of the most challenging issues for me. So yeah, I guess for me it's easy to jump to an extreme conclusion.

I understand the advice abou empowering myself by reframing my questions. Btw, far from relying on a man in my life, since I was a child, I never had a single notion that I would marry when I grew up. I worked hard, I studied hard, and assumed I'd be taking care of myself. Now I have multiple advanced degrees without support from parents or a spouse. I prided myself on self-sufficiency all of my life. I've also worked on myself and have tried to do my best through therapy, etc. to compensate for my childhood, including working on issues of codependency. But I don't think that what I'm describing above is something I can work on totally in isolation. I think that other people do have power over us to give us things that we can't give ourselves. Our parents had that power and failed. The result was devastating. I often think about how if a child doesn't get food, she dies. But love is also a deeply felt need, but not getting it doesn't result in death. But I do think it leaves us distorted and changed, and there's a part of me that is so wounded that I built a wall of steel around it so that I can protect it. I feel that the only way to release that is to open myself up to my boyfriend who has demonstrated that he can be trusted and to lean towards him, hoping that he will catch me. I understand that there's a risk in that, but this is also about mindfully taking risks and growing from them.

Feeling love for my bf is itself triggering. It stirs inside me the primal need to be loved, but it's mixed in with the realization that I never got it, and that by expecting it, I will again be rudely rejected and reminded once again that I am an unloveable monster. I think that the reason I've been self-sufficient all of my life is because I've been trying to avoid exposing that I'm a monster beneath. I even married a man who I did not really love and did not respect, I think because there was no risk to myself. Right now, I am allowing myself to getting triggered and to being thrown into turmoil. But I think that ultimately, it'll be good for me to expose those underlying dynamics. My bf is helping me to check my fears and replace them with love in a genuine way that has been slow but lasting.

By the way, I was reading an article recently about how distinctly american it is the attitude that rugged individualism is fungible for the love others can give us. I think people are social creatures innately that do need others. I also agree with van der Kolk that cognitive therapy approaches are not as effective for cptsd as it is for other disorders like anxiety and depression. There's a dynamic that can only be experienced and not simply reframed through thought.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sometimes it's a dynamic that can be experienced, but not always.

 

[Friday]

Feeling love for my bf is itself triggering. It stirs inside me the primal need to be loved, but it's mixed in with the realization that I never got it, and that by expecting it, I will again be rudely rejected and reminded once again that I am an unloveable monster. I think that the reason I've been self-sufficient all of my life is because I've been trying to avoid exposing that I'm a monster beneath. I even married a man who I did not really love and did not respect, I think because there was no risk to myself. Right now, I am allowing myself to getting triggered and to being thrown into turmoil. But I think that ultimately, it'll be good for me to expose those underlying dynamics. My bf is helping me to check my fears and replace them with love in a genuine way that has been slow but lasting.

So perhaps rather than “Will I never learn how to love?” it’s more on point to say that you ARE learning how to love?

 

[pam4him]

This is a difficult place to be and I'm sorry you are in it. Not being loved and nurtured early in life can leave us desperately wanting it, yet scared because we don't truly know what it is or how to react to it. We can sometimes be our own worst enemy. BF sounds wonderful and seems genuine in his affection for you. Perhaps try replacing those scenarios with opposite versions. Make the "story" about you and something wonderful happening as the relationship grows. It's okay to let your guard down gradually, and create trust a little bit at a time. If you're not in counseling, please consider it. There are ways to learn to discover how to love yourself. Prayers for peace, wisdom, guidance and most of all, love. For yourself and for your BF.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks all. After my last post, I unintentionally/intentionally avoided checking for replies. This matter is so triggering that it felt risky just thinking about getting replies.

Yes, I've been in therapy for decades.

I think it's helpful to think about this in terms of seeing the positive and the growth. I want to reiterate that I think the risk and discomfort is part of what is productive about this process. More and more, I've been able to express my needs, not just to my bf, but to my colleagues, friends, and even my son. As soon as I do, I still get a sense that I should be smacked down, but I think exposing my fears is working little by little.

 

[bellbird]

I think exposing my fears is working little by little.

Awesome stuff, @PreciousChild -- keep at it :)