Sufferer Will It Ever Get Better? Trauma At Work

[psychology girl]

Hello everyone,

I'm not really sure where to start but a good place is always the beginning. I'm 27 years old and I am recently married. I have dedicated my life to psychology and mental health having completed both undergraduate degrees and post graduate degrees, worked in research, worked within hospitals and volunteered with mental health charities for almost 5 years. It was really part of who I am and I dreamed of completing my doctorate so I could really help people with mental health difficulties. Now I find myself in the other seat and I don't know how to cope.

Whilst at work I was attacked really badly by a patient. I was left unconscious, fractured scull, torn discs in my back, swollen face and more importantly a totally destroyed confidence. I got zero support from my work, in fact I ended up loosing my job. I've lost my friends because I don't like leaving my house or really talking to anyone about it. Things feel as if they are spiralling and getting worse. Whereas after it happened I felt uneasy with going to town/ supermarket now I can't go without my husband. I often don't leave my house for literally days at a time and the only reason I leave is because my husband keeps making me go out but I am panicked the whole time. I wake up in the early hours with such severe anxiety that I can't even talk and can barely move. I've given up all my volunteering work and I can never see me working in mental health or psychology again which is making me so low. I feel as if I have lost my identity. Does that make sense?

I have been to my doctor and I see a cognitive behavioural therapist now and I have been given a diagnosis of depression and post traumatic stress disorder but I don't feel like anything they are doing is working. I have worked so hard to have a good life but my anxiety has got so bad that when I try and move on and start my life in a new direction I end up having a panic attack and locking myself away at home. I can't even handle reading job descriptions, let alone try and get a new job. I am really scared I will never get over this. Does anyone have any advice for me? Please?

Ps sorry this is such a long message.

 

[The Albatross]

Personally? Albert Ellis's Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy helped me crack the ice. That and every time you cave and give over to the fears which are most likely irrational since you no longer work there,you are reinforcing the habit/behavior. What are you doing for stress reduction before you attempt activities like reading job descriptions?

 

[orchidbird]

Hi. Gosh, some of what you say really resonates with me.

Work was my downfall also, although my PTSD is caused by childhood trauma. I suffered with anxiety also, ended up pretty much house bound.

I eventually gave into my husband and gps request to take antidepressants to help ease the anxiety. After trying various types and dosages I found one that helped with the anxiety but not a lot else, I came off them after about 8 months. My anxiety is still there but manageable. This might be a route worth thinking about?

Ultimately, I have found that time, sheer determination not to be ruled by it and being kinder to myself have helped.

I have been told that anxiety is triggered by a thought, but I have never been able to pin those thoughts down, but by making myself aware of what situations set me off has helped me to kind of prepare myself for the attacks.

With regards to job searching, stay away! Honestly, I am so desperate to work again, I've worked since I left school, and I would trawl through job sites, local papers for anything I could do but every time I ended up feeling pretty much suicidal, it made me feel so s**t about myself, where I am now and how utterly broken I have become. I have to just accept that I am not capable of working right now, even on days when I'm feeling positive, it doesn't take much to set me off.

I have been told that I can't help anyone until I've helped myself.

As frustrating as this process is you will get better in time, or at least learn how to manage it all better, please don't be too hard on yourself.

You mentioned studying for your doctorate, please forgive my ignorance, but is this something you can study without a work placement? If this is your dream then maybe there are things you can do to keep up to date with working practices, studies, stuff you can do at home?

Also, I found CBT and psychotherapy not very helpful, but that's just my opinion and maybe down to my therapists. I am now seeing a therapist (privately) who uses a variety of approaches including art therapy which, for me, has been incredibly powerful.

I'm sorry if I've waffled on, I hope this is of some help.
Best wishes
Ob

 

[Hashi]

Also, I found CBT and psychotherapy not very helpful, but that's just my opinion and maybe down to my therapists. I am now seeing a therapist (privately) who uses a variety of approaches including art therapy which, for me, has been incredibly powerful.

I'm with you on that, orchidbird. Obviously, CBT seems to help many people. Not me, but there are other things that do (including art therapy :))

psychology girl, I want to give you some hope. I have PTSD but am much better now than I was before, and I'm continuing to heal. My anxiety was stopping me from leaving the house except for therapy and a very few other things, and then it would take me 1-2 hours before I could get out of the door. I've been learning mindfulness in particular, and working on other approaches too, and today I went out for a trivial reason and managed it in about 10 minutes with very little anxiety.

I can never see me working in mental health or psychology again which is making me so low.

This is jumping ahead far too much. When you get to other side of this, you might be an even better mental health professional than you were before, because of your personal experience of recovery. Maybe in the end you'll find this experience will let you really help other people. Or you might have a new direction that feels right for you. But that isn't your concern now. Now is about putting one foot in front of the other.

I have been to my doctor and I see a cognitive behavioural therapist now and I have been given a diagnosis of depression and post traumatic stress disorder but I don't feel like anything they are doing is working.

I'm getting a bit stuck on how you worded this. Do you feel like anything you are doing is working or not working? Do you feel like you're working in partnership with your cognitive behavioural therapist? Do you feel like you have tools and coping skills to use, whether given to you by the professionals you're seeing or from your own knowledge and experience?

It sounds like it's very hard for you to accept that you're in the other role now, and are yourself a client working to recover. That's understandable. It's very difficult to change your mindset and see yourself differently, before and after trauma. At the same time it's exactly what you need to do, because you need to put your energy into healing rather than struggling against the situation you're now in.

Your job isn't your identity. Your dedication to mental health and psychology is. Now you need to dedicate yourself to that in a completely different way, for your own healing. I hope the forum can help you with that.

 

[The Albatross]

I will say this, if you beat this thing Psychology Girl, you're going to be one heck of a mental health professional. It can get better and it can be sooner rather than later.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[psychology girl]

Wow thank you so much for everything you have all said. I'm not used to forums so I don't know to reply to each person so it will be one reply I'm afraid!

To 'the albertross' in regards to stress reduction unfortunately I have turned to alcohol which I know is counter productive but it's a bit of a crutch. Believe it or not I was almost t-total prior to the attack. Now I can drink a bottle of wine or two a night (although I hasten to add that this is not every night, just when I'm having a really really bad day). Thank you for your kind words in your last post. I do hope that if I do get over the attack and get back to mental health/ psychology I will be able to appreciate what it feels like to be in the clients position.

To 'orchidbird' the doctorate would indeed involve work placements so this is not possible at the moment. I was recently offered a scholarship to complete a Phd at my university but I have turned it down because I am not in the fit place to embark on such a huge academic challenge. This broke my heart and it is moments like that that are making me feel really low because a year ago I would of jumped at the opportunity but I just can't anymore. I am feel literally broken.

To 'hashi' well done for managing to get out you should be really proud of yourself! And you have given me hope that I will be able to go out without anxiety one day! Thank you so much for your kind words as well.
I've been trained in mindfulness and to be honest I am not a huge fan of it and I never really practiced it when I used to work with patients. I am trying to keep an open mind though and doing everything my therapist suggests even though I am slightly sceptical.

In regards to whether I feel like anything is working I feel like what they are doing (doctors and therapists) are not working such as the mindfulness (but as mentioned above i am trying to keep an open mind). I don't feel as if the medications are working and although I have a great deal of respect for my therapist I don't feel as if I am making any improvements. I think I need to realise that I can't run before I can walk and that my recovery is going to take time and that I may not have huge improvements straight away. I'm just a very impatient person I guess!

Also you are spot on with the fact that I am finding it hard being the client! It is very unnerving being the vulnerable person in the room and I hate that I feel so weak.


Thank you thank you thank you for all of your posts. It feels really great having people to talk to who understand what I am going through.

Much love

Psychology girl

 

[psychology girl]

Orchidbird I meant to say that when reading about your job search and the feelings that you had when searching was literally like hearing myself speak! I totally get where you are coming from. I am due surgery on my back to fix my spine so hopefully I won't be in pain anymore which will be a great help. Plus no more tramadol making me feel sick all the time. I have said to myself that I will not think about work until after the operation. Still, bills must be paid so I may have to review this if our savings disappear.

In regards to this...

Can anyone tell me if I would be entitled to some form of disability benefit?? I live in England. I really hate the thought of being on benefits but I may not have a choice. I know that I will feel terrible if I do go on benefits because I am a proud person and i have always worked for my money but I am realistic that i may need some financial support. I am wondering if I could be on benefits temporarily until I start to feel better? I don't really understand how the whole system works to be honest so any advice on this would be great.

Thanks again,

Psychology girl

 

[The Albatross]

If your habitually numbing out with alcohol you're fueling your depression and at risk for being in the poorest group for a good prognosis, co-occurring behaviors. So watch hour alcohol consumption and tread lightly. If you are on any meds, they can affect that as well. Believe me, you don't want to be like me.

 

[Hashi]

A Citizens' Advice Bureau can advise you about benefits.

 

[Rumors]

Psych girl,
Wow!
You must realize that PTSD must be one hell of a disorder for it to take hold of the trained mind! Very sorry you went thru such an awful thing! Was the perpetrator charged and convicted? Is he or she in jail now and if so, what was the sentence?

I can't imagine how that must feel. Your livelihood depends on you working with, at times, mentally unstable people who can be obviously dangerous. How do you return to that and not be frightened? I don't know but I am guessing your rational self knows that there are things you can do that might make coping with what happened easier. Write a letter to your perp? Attend meetings with other violence survivors? Go to therapy on a regular basis? Take your meds!!?? Yoga, breathing, mindfulness? All of these things combined can help you cope with the worst anxiety and those are skills that you were able to teach others to use during times of angst. You have that in you and you can do this but I also urge you to do it in a time frame that you can handle.

I hope you are able to get back to your core and find some peace with all the craziness that goes on in this world. You are young enough that you have to make a commitment to finding peace. Put the bottle down bc you know that alcohol can cause anxiety and perpetuate other bad choices!!! Yeah, for a couple hours you feel numb but it isn't the answer.

I hope you are able to find the same passion for healing as you found when you started your journey into your profession. I agree you will make one hell of a therapist and you will have one hell of a story to tell at parties. I really hope you find what you need to heal but you are truly courageous for coming here to tell your story.

Best wishes!!!!

 

[psychology girl]

Hi rumors, thanks for the post. You may be quite shocked to find out that the patient who attacked me actually benefitted from what happened. And to this day I am incredibly bitter about that. Due to his mental health condition he was deemed not to be responsible for his actions. He was on an acute ward but I knew that he was escalating as he had carried out several small assaults on other staff members and members of the public in the weeks leading up to what happened to me. I keep insisting that he referred and sent to the PICU ward but nobody did anything because 'he hadn't done anything bad enough yet'. It took me being attacked for him to have his care being given in the correct environment. The hospital has always been reactive rather than proactive.

I was only given a days sick pay and then nothing even though I was in hospital. I tried to return to the hospital sooner than I was ready due to not being paid (and I was getting married in a couple of months so needed every penny!) but they wanted me to go back and work with the man who attacked me but I refused. On several occasions I walked right past him in the cafe and communal areas. I can't even begin to tell you the panic I went through when that happened. I wasn't coping being back at work and within 3 days I was suspended. When I asked what I had done they said 'they were under no obligation to tell me but I had to leave the premises'. I found out a week later that it was due to me 'refusing to fulfilling what was expected of me with my job role'. I felt literally tossed aside. (I hasten to add that these managers were thrown out of post a couple of months later for an unrelated incident and I was quickly reinstated but I told them where to go)

(Sorry I'm digressing slightly....)

I did go to the police and I had the most unbelievable experience. I didn't even get interviewed in a room, I got interviewed in the corridor because there were no rooms available! And the policeman didn't write/ record anything. He just said to me that I could prosecute if I really wanted to but it wouldn't get anywhere because as soon as a jury sees mental health then they throw out the case. Essentially my plea to the police didn't even get past the corridor.

I found out a few months ago that the patient who attacked me was given funding to go to a privately funded specialist unit off the back of my attack. By attacking me, he was given more money and is now living in an amazing hospital. He has essentially been rewarded.

It all seems so unfair. I had no debriefing when I returned to work, not even a phone call to find out how I was. I lost everything and nobody, not even the police tried to support me. And he gets rewarded. Great Britain? Hardly Great.