Relationship Will it ever get better?!

[lostinlisbon]

My husband has PTSD and it has been a very challenging year.
He has been diagnosed for over 10 years now. We have only been together for 4.5 years and the first 3.5 of those were great. Whilst there would be a few issues, nothing really impacted upon our lives.

Then last year at Christmas, his grandmother passed away, he seemed to spiral into a severe depression and then everything my family did seemed to upset him. He has never really got on with my oldest sister and her husband (they can be overly critical and judgmental). Matters got worse and after some bizarre behaviour by my family, I left him in April as i could not stand the verbal abuse.

We were due to be married in the June and i gave him an ultimatum, get some help or it was over. i wish i could tell you that there was a happy outcome. I thought there was as from April through to travelling to our wedding, things were good. He was attending therapy and seemed really positive about life.

Something changed as soon as we got off the plane. He clearly was uncomfortable and did not seem to relax. he argued with me, his Mother, this brother, even people in the street. By the time the wedding day arrived, i was on edge. My family did not help and were very disrespectful at the wedding.

When we got home, matters just spiraled further. he has sent abusive messages to my family and not a day was going by where he would not blame me for something or constantly tell me how evil my family were and are. My family did not help as instead of responding and dealing with the situation, they messaged me and did not respond.

Matters have escalated and in November, my brother in law called the police. They did nothing until 21st December and then arrested my husband in front of his 5 year old daughter. He was released without charge and actually told to bring charges against my brother in law for assault. He would not do this as he still sees them as family.
Christmas was not fun.

He now has the pattern of behaviour whereby he says that i allowed my family to bully him for 3 years and when i challenge him back he starts to verbally attack me. matters usually escalate to the point where he runs away to his Mother's home.

I have recently found out that i am pregnant and am really scared. I hoped that this would give him the motivation to want to move forward but things just seem to be getting worse.

Thought this all, he has still been attending therapy and i sometimes wonder if it is helping at all as things just seem to have got worse and worse. i do not know if i am coming or going.

He has verbally attacked every member of my family and none of them are welcome in my home. I find it difficult to speak to them as i feel like i am betraying him and i am hurt that they do not think that they have done anything wrong.

i try to out boundaries in place but my husband tells me i am turning my back on him.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost and alone.

Any advice?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Boundaries for your husband and your family before YOU lose YOUR sanity. This is madness.

 

[illusionist]

It doesn't matter what your partner thinks or feels about your boundaries....they are put in place for your benefit, not theirs.

Work out your boundaries, and stick to them....these are not threats to try to change a partner's behaviour, but a self promise of what you accept/ don't accept....worked for me.....knew if I wanted to stay in the relationship I had to respect his limits that were healthy for him.....in turn, I've got my boundaries.

 

[EveHarrington]

That’s kind of the definition of boundaries.

You set them.

The other person balks.

Par for the course, completely normal.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Boundaries are essential in all healthy relationships. This is true even with your relatives. They're your limits. All you can do is state your boundaries and then they can choose to respect them or not. It is then up to you to enforce them.

Like @illusionist stated above, it's not about controlling somebody else's behavior, it's about YOUR limit. So for instance, you wouldn't say "you cannot bicker with my family in front of me", you'd say something more along the lines of "if there is fighting and arguing at this family gathering, I will remove myself from the situation and not take sides. I will not stand there and tolerate that level of immaturity from anybody." Then if they all start to argue, leave. Every time. Hop in a cab and go home. If they want you around then they need to act like adults. If they can't, then you don't have to tolerate it. It's YOUR boundary. If they don't like it tough luck.

It would work this way with both your husband and your family. They're all being selfish, and they can't expect you to take sides. Especially now that you're pregnant. You have a child in the mix. This all needs nipped in the bud.

Is your husband's trauma family based?

 

[lostinlisbon]

Boundaries are essential in all healthy relationships. This is true even with your relatives. They'r...

Thank You all

My husband was in a coma for a month and developed PTSD afterwards due to the treatment he received. It is a long story but they did not think he was going to survive so pumped him full of drugs which made him hallucinate. It is those trauma’s that he is reliving. However some of his triggers are family based and I believe they come from his father being an alcoholic and dying shortly after his recovery from the coma.

My family seem to believe that he is the one who is always in the wrong and don’t accept hat their behaviour is unacceptable.

When we tried to raise it with them last year, they pretty much shut us down and have now built my husband up to be some controlling manipulative wife beater! This is so far from the truth. He would not lay a finger on me and keeps telling me to see and speak to my family but I am so hurt by their actions, I don’t feel comfortable.

I know this is my issue as I am the youngest and have always just taken their behaviour.

I have been to therapy too and was even signed off work for a month last year but they still don’t believe that any of it is their fault.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It is also important not to excuse bad behavior because your partner has PTSD. That's a common supporter trap. You mentioned your husband has been verbally abusive as well. If he is short tempered and lashes out he is still responsible for his actions.