Will My Mom Ever Get It?

[Powder]

What kind of person could live with someone and be in denial and let their child not get help? That is not a mother. That is a monster. I am a mother. I would not allow it.

 

[Lucycat]

What kind of person could live with someone and be in denial and let their child not get help? That is not a mother. That is a monster.

That is my mother.
I would not call her a monster, but even if she is, she is still my mother. I can't change that.

 

[arcc14]

Thanks. I appreciate all the replies. I'm still thinking about all of this. It kind of seems like at this point my mom wants me to just disappear. My family was ripped apart when my dad died. I guess I've just been trying to hold onto what little is left of it.

 

[aditi]

'Non-protective bystander' is what I call my mum now. She knew but because she was abused by her father she allowed herself and us to be abused by her husband.

As Cherryblossom says: "I think there are a number of different issues. So long as she is still with your abuser, I seriously doubt she will every take any responsibility. If she were to stop the denial, really see what he is like, and leave him, then I suspect she would be much more sorry for what has gone on. But at the moment, she is still with him, and presumable loves and depends on him."

I like what Hlost says: "Anyway, why on earth would you ever need to prove to anyone what you are saying is true???"

We want people who are supposed to love us, and who TELL us they do, to validate us but in my case that didn't happen. We have to get validation from ourselves and, if we're lucky, people outside of that abusive 'unit'.

 

[cherryblossom]

We want people who are supposed to love us, and who TELL us they do, to validate us but in my case that didn't happen. We have to get validation from ourselves and, if we're lucky, people outside of that abusive 'unit'.

I think aditi has some very wise words there. For some people they will never get the love and comfort, and validation that we all need from their families. If that is the case then you need to try to build some really strong friendships. People who love you and accept you, just the way you are. It's not easy but it's human nature to need to other people who care about us. Family is the easiest solution, but friends can become just as good as family, if we find the right people.

 

[Lucycat]

I have just had this same conversation from my T. He believes that I WAS loved but that my mother is not capable of showing it, not then when I was a wee child and not now. But he kept repeating that it is not my fault that the needs I had when a child were not met.

The important thing is that I am loved now. That I know who loves me, and that I can love them back, in a mature adult relationship. The past is done. I cannot remake relationships from childhood and I cannot change them. What I CAN do is work on the me that is here and now, and choose who to love and share my life with.