Will My Therapist Force Me To Go To Hospital?

[maelstrom]

So the story is kind of complicated. I already recovered from a rather debilitating episode of depression, but recently something came up and I am feeling rather hopeless again, and sometimes feel that I don't want to live anymore as there's nothing to hope for. However, it doesn't mean that I would actually commit suicide. Despite all, I don't have the gut to do it and know I can't just yet. My therapist also knows that occasionally I have suicidal ideations but would not act on it. However, yesterday I did a very stupid thing. I was in such great despair and feel disappointed that I cannot kill myself, so I thought I should at least make an effort in that direction, if I can't do the real thing. I also wanted to test myself and see whether I mean it or not, and thought it would be good to practice and get familiar with it...So I took a dose of pills that is five times my prescribed dosage but much less than the fatal dosage or even the amount that would cause serious damage. To stress the fact that I didn't want to die--I even called poison control to make sure that I would be okay (they said yes). Nevertheless, it was a terrible experience and after a day my body is still a bit shaky and unwell.

Now I'm really scared that if I tell my therapist this, she might put me in a hospital. I know they can force you if you are a "danger to yourself or others". Perhaps there would be some flexibility if I only had ideations, but now that I've done this thing (it was not only a plan but actual action, though not intended to kill), would she still believe me? But I am really not suicidal! I will not actually commit suicide and I can promise everyone. The problem is that when I think about the situation, I see that it looks rather unconvincing from an outsider's point of view. Would they conveniently believe that I'm not a danger to myself when I just swallowed some potentially dangerous pills in order to "make an effort"? Well, technically I don't have to tell my therapist, but I would feel really depressed if I can't tell her. I've been feeling rather sick and vulnerable after the pseudo-overdose and want somebody to listen to me (no friends in real life). I really like and trust my therapist, but I also understand that she wouldn't want to be sued, etc. in case I harm myself. If she breaks confidentiality, it would be very traumatic for me...It's like the only person who could help me and who I could trust will no longer be with me.

*Sigh. Does anyone have any advice? What should I do? I really really really don't want to be hospitalized because I clearly don't belong to the hospital and I'm clearly not going to kill myself, at least not anytime soon. If I end up in the hospital it would only make things worse, because I'm a regular self-harmer and my body is covered with scars, and they probably will take away all my freedom. I would probably really end up losing my mind forever. But really I am not in crisis and don't need to be watched. I am calm and fully functional in real life. What should one do in this situation??

 

[LhasaLover]

Hi Malestrom,

This sounds like a personal decision, I hope other more experienced members will chime in and respond to your post.

What strikes me is that even though you were careful to take a certain amount of drugs that could not kill you, have you thought about the damage it could do to the internal organs in your body?

Also something to discuss with someone may be what was the purpose of this test? As you can see, acting out sometimes sets you back and causes more issues than when you started. Personally, I have set the idea of SI aside because it was taking all my energy. I mean, if I get to a point where SI is an obsession, then I will deal with it but I just cannot control these thoughts. I was on edge a lot wondering is someone one day going to commit me. I had a boyfriend that went to therapy upon my suggestion, we broke up. He soon afterwards threatened to kill himself to his therapist (issues unrelated to me) and he was indeed hauled off in an ambulance and evaluated. He was in shock, I guess that he was sent to the hospital being asked if he knew who the president was and which year was it. I remember he would answer jokingly being sarcastic, and they would take it quite seriously! He is doing fine now but really he should have been evaluated at that point. It would have been a shame if he indeed took his own life. It was not the end of the world that he was committed involuntarily for three days... so I would not fear this too much.

There's also the possibility that one of these tests, if continued would fail (i.e., succeed). That would be incredibly sad as I understand fully that it is not your intention.

What will it take for you to turn the corner? I understand SI and not wanting to go into a psych ward. It almost sounds like this is a new way of self-harming which you may want to steer clear of completely. Perhaps brainstorming coping mechanisms, joining support groups such as this one and talking to self-harmers would help. I belong to multiple support groups and collectively they help me stay on track. Some of these groups are in-person meetings.

My heart goes out for you. Try not to panic if at all possible and take deep breaths. It sounds like you know this test was not a good idea.

I'm going to say my prayers for you and send hugs. If you want things to get better, they will. I cannot tell you how things get better, but somehow if you keep doing the work they get better. I never self-harmed physically, only emotionally but I know the pain. Sending hugs and hoping some self-harmers will respond for you.

I look forward to hearing an update from you.

LL

 

[madmax]

Hospitalization is not a death sentence. I benefited because I worked harder than everybody else for fear of coming out just as bad as I went in. Trust the professional and speak the truth; if not why bother?!

 

[isaley]

Maelstrom, firstly, let me congratulate on a splendid profilename! Secondly, let me offer my sympathies for being in a difficult situation.

It is very difficult to distinguish between actual suicide attempts and quite paradoxical attempts to retrieve power where power is lost, let alone explain the difference to others. I have taken similar overdoses in the past and ended up feeling more isolated and alone, as it is, as you express, quite hard to communicate to others what the action was about.

I believe the most important aspect to this mindgame is to be kind to yourself. I call it a mindgame, the calculated gamble of the "pseudo-overdose" (as you put so well). In my personal experience I divided myself into the part I defended and the part that hurt. I let the hurt part take overdoses and woke up feeling the pain in the part I tried so desperately to defend. It is a losing game. Never lose sight of the "real" part, the one worth defending, if this is an image you feel useful.

I understand very well that you fear hospitalization as it feels like a demonstration of mistrust although it is a precaution and an attempt to keep you safe. Whether it is effective and useful, I don't know. Perhaps you would be helped by finding out the facts as to what is usually done in similar situations and what rights you have as a patient. I am not familiar with routines in your country.

As to whether to tell your therapist or not, I have no answer. I am sorry, but as I have no similar experience there is nothing to draw from. You see, I was in quite the opposite situation.
I was not allowed treatment after an overdose, although I begged them to let me into hospital.
I was afraid I'd only do it again and I really didn't want to die. It's a very ironic situation, to walk home from the emergency room after waking up all shaky and groggy having overdosed and left notes and everything. It's sad. I still grieve although it's been years. I eventually got committed after insisting a few times and had a few days in hospital. Sorry to talk about myself, I only wanted to explain that my predicament was different although the root of the problem was similar.

I sincerely hope my words can be of some help to you and alleviate at least a morsel of your pain. I hope my words have not been triggering to anyone, as this subject easily can be.

Sincerely,
Isaley

 

[Rumors]

Have you considered that possibly IF a doctor suggested that hospitalization is what you need to do, you might benefit from that? I can tell you that I would really be sad if I logged on here and someone said you had gone through with it. I think the important thing to remember is that the goal is for you to feel better, whatever it takes.

Hang in there! I am sending loads of strength your way and prayers that you find some peace!

 

[LhasaLover]

There is a lot of wisdom in what madmax has to say. I am looking forward to others responses as well. Hang in there, Maelstrom, you will get through this issue and move on. It is very good that you are feeling honest and supported enough to post on this forum.

Ultimately, whether to come out about this incident to your therapist is your decision. I do not know what the laws are where you live when you are involuntarily committed to be evaluated, you may want to look into that. It really is a question of how do you want to address this problem, do you admit it is a problem to do a test run? How is this going to change. The fear of your therapist in a way is your disorder taking over and distracting you from addressing the issues.

Either way, it is important to keep talking and get some clarity. I am sure this is very scary, but you will get through it. As I mentioned, my ex boyfriend was involuntarily committed years and years ago and he is doing just fine now, thriving from what I can see. He was not trapped in an asylum for the rest of his life. In fact, as soon as they clear that you are not a danger to yourself our others they practically kick you out. A lot of people do not even get the help they need in these facilities because they are not suicidal or homicidal. Really, I would really take advantage of the opportunity to address this it could be a milestone in your recovery.

Hang in there, it's always darkest before the dawn... As much as I dislike metaphors I do like that one.

Sending hugs.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I did a very stupid thing. I was in such great despair and feel disappointed that I cannot kill myself, so I thought I should at least make an effort in that direction, if I can't do the real thing. I also wanted to test myself and see whether I mean it or not, and thought it would be good to practice and get familiar with it...So I took a dose of pills that is five times my prescribed dosage but much less than the fatal dosage or even the amount that would cause serious damage.

Hi Malestrome,

Ok, if the therapist did not call on you after the appointment and did not ask you if you thought you needed the hospital before you left chances are she was not convinced you were a danger to yourself or anyone else. Or believe me it would have happened right away.

Many of us suffer with the ideation and a good experienced trauma therapist will know when to call. They do not want that on their conscience. I have been walked down twice and I voluntarily admitted myself with a therapist. One time by error I was called on. They came where I was living and I was taken in an ambulance. Police escort and all. I had no choice. After therapists called to check on me a day after an awful session about ideation. I somehow gave the wrong impression with the five words" I am going shopping today".

I caution anyone threatening anything that is ideation with a plan. It raise's a concern with good reason. One time in involuntarily lock up you will have caution with your words. If someone really ill needs to be hospitalized and cant make the choice themselves the therapist has to make the call to keep them and others safe.

If you really will not follow trough with those ideation's you need to make that very clear with your therapist immediately. If you are not safe always please go in under your own choice then you can sign yourself out if you feel better. That is if you haven't shown signs of being a danger to yourself. Most hospitals have a 24 hour observation for the first time anyway. If it is chronic not so much! Good luck with this! I hope you find yourself feeling safe today

TB

 

[maelstrom]

Thank you so much for your input everyone! I really appreciate your kind words as I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I will let you know how it goes--my appointment is not until a few days later. I'm just concerned that the therapist may worry about my safety and send me to the hospital when I'm not really in danger. After all, hospitals are probably only good for immediately dangerous situations. It's not like it will help me in anyway other than keeping me safe for a day or two, because I still have to face the same life after coming out. It's not even like I'm having a breakdown or anything. I really hope my therapist won't call on me, because I do want to talk to her as this episode made me feel scared and lonely. As for now, I am still sick (physically) from the pills and feel really stupid...LhasaLover, you are probably right that I might have done some damage to my body, though now it's too late. Please don't ever follow my example! Overdose is really an awful experience--don't do it! Again thank you so much for your kind responses--they really helped me a lot.

 

[LhasaLover]

Hi Maelstrom,

If your symptoms worsen, you may want to see a doctor to be checked out. I don't want to scare you, just trying to be calm and practical.

I'm sure your experience is very scary. People committing suidice arounds me scares me! My SI flared up when my younger cousin killed himself. I completely understand if you would like to talk to your therapist about this, I think it would be a great step forward if you trust her. My therapist is far from a police woman, but she is practical and listens to me, I listen to her and think about things I didn't necessarily agree with between sessions.

I'm totally not judging you, just relieved to hear back from you. God bless you and may you have no damage or lasting effect from this "test". If you do feel ill or emotionally unstable from the after-effects, do get checked out at a clinic or ER or by a doctor somewhere and/or call your therapist. The damage is not necessarily done. You need to lower your tolerance to pain!

It's funny, I used to ask for help when I was all put together. When I was a mess and things were going crazy in my head, my friend pointed out... THAT is when you ask for help. You don't have to act like everything is ok all the time. Please keep participating on the board, talking and not isolating or punishing yourself - it is critical at this time.

No one you tell is going to "punish" you in fact about this your "test", people want to help! Facing your fears and issues head on, sometimes we find out it wasn't as scary as we thought and a whole lot more enlightening than we could ever hope for.

More hugs!!!

LL

 

[LhasaLover]

I will add, during the most terrible times in my life when I asked for help. When I just was sobbing, full of uncertainty, afraid, confused (all those things) and I asked for help, my prayers are always answered tenfold. Keeping things a secret is safe, but people don't know you need help and that is part of the miracle of healing. And when I say people help me, I really mean people pulled me out of a sinking ship or rat hole... I never even knew that therapists, sponsors, friends in support groups could see through my problems and help me get what I need. One sponsor I had was invaluable in pulling me out of unhealthy relationships. She would tell me exactly what would happen and I would think, how did she KNOW that? The answer was experience. Recently I sobbed for many sessions at a therapist's office and my heavens if he didn't lay it out for my father that I could not take much more and needed support. Usually that therapist drives me a bit mad with corny metaphors and sort of off the wall statements, but he indeed saved my butt! So do not despair, M!

Sending more hugs.... one can never have enough hugs! At least I never refuse them and solicit more!
LL

 

[nursenurse]

Testing yourself that way is like putting a noose around your neck and jumping to see if the rope is strong enough to hang you. Tell your therapist? You really don't need to ask the question, as MadMax so succinctly said, why bother going if you can't speak the truth. You also indicated you can't complete the act, "just yet." What? When, then? If you tested the meds, you do have a plan. And in my line of work, that means you need help, and if that is in the form of hospitalization, then so be it.

To not want to tell your therapist is living in denial and not allowing that person to help you to the fullest of their capabilities. They may not see an indication for hospitalization, not everyone who takes a handful of pills requires it, except maybe for the physical effects of the pills, provided that there is appropriate help and counselling available on the outside.

Let your therapist help you. If you with hold this from him/her, then it will become easier to with hold more. It's like a lie, it self perpetuates, and all the progress you have been making will have the potential to be lost. You are worth more than that. I keep remembering the line from "The Help" when I am on these forums: "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." And, Maelstrom, "You IS important."

 

[Tinyflame]

It's hard to accept when we are self-harmful of ourselves. Or to 'feel' (or think) there are outside solutions, or a way out other than sometimes the most extreme scenario. I think the recognition of the violence towards yourself, and the knowledge you have, tips you off. There is a better way than walking a tightrope.

I like what LL said about when we most need help we're in the worst shape, then least likely to be able. So if you can, I think that would be a really great step. Posting here takes a lot of honesty and truth, too.

I hope you can be (truly) very gentle with yourself. :hug: