Winning the war against shame - is it really possible?

[maddog]

Sometimes lately I feel as though the shame I feel is the most dabilitating aspect of my situation. And more so than shame for my past, it's a sense of shame for who I am now, for the ways in which I have allowed this condition to beat me, to turn me into someone I can't stand, to control every aspect of my life.

I feel as though I am a hopeless failure, that I let down everyone who tries to help and believe in me, that I simply mustn't try hard enough to get better, am weak and broken and negative and defeatist... etc, all of which has somehow become internalised into a sense of shame that is so toxic that it's close to unbearable more and more of the time.

Combatting shame is something I know many of us struggle with, and I know that the tried and true formula is based on learning to accept that what happened to me wasn't my fault, but was the result of things that were done to me by other people, without my consent or control, etc etc etc. I understand that conceptually and theoretically, but quite honestly, it all feels too abstract, too huge and detached from my everyday existence, to seemingly scratch the surface of the way I feel about myself.

I know I am sabotaging myself and preventing my healing and progress by being so preoccupied and consumed with shame and failure and self-hatred that they are all i can see. People tell me I just have to work on thinking differently, but I don't know how to do that...

I guess I'm looking for practical ways, real things, actual "doing" things that might help me to tackle these feelings, one tiny moment at a time. If that doesn't make much sense, an example might be that I tend to be too ashamed to say to people that I'm just not up to meeting up with them or engaging in whatever event or activity is being discussed, so I tend to want to make up a so-called valid reason why I can't come, so I don't have to be honest about my limitations. All that achieves is to double my initial shame by adding the shame for having lied and invalidated my own right to be who I am. So I know that working hard to be up front with others about my limitations is a practical way I can start to internalise an acceptance of them.

Does anyone have any other strategies? Gosh, does anyone even know what I'm talking about?

Maddog

 

[Meadowsweet]

I understand what you're talking about Maddog. I would theorise that once shame has cut so deep, we are prone to that feeling: perhaps because we know it, it's familiar and because of that it can maybe feel easier to live with than lesser known feelings.

If you don't mind metaphors, I see it like a big ditch has been dug out by experience. Even though it might get emptied through therapy and self-work, the ditch is still there, so when it rains it fills up again.

So I know that working hard to be up front with others about my limitations is a practical way I can start to internalise an acceptance of them.

This seems like a good idea. I don't have people around who I feel I can tell. But I go to a chat room that is nothing to do with mental health and I am upfront and honest about myself there.

Slowly I'm beginning to find it more 'normal' to tell people about my condition and my limitations. I am perhaps becoming a bit of a bore to people there, but I think it is good practise for me. The first time I say something out loud, even to my therapist, I go to pieces with all the added anxiety of speaking it, but the more I do it, the easier it becomes.

 

[intothelight]

I do understand what you are saying, as there is a lot of shame in knowing what is wrong with me, knowing what I need to do to get better, but still finding myself not where I want to be.

For me, I find that I need to focus on the present and doing the best that I can, right here, right now. No comparing myself to what I have done, what I should have done or what I wish I could do. Knowing that I am doing my best and accepting that is the way that I battle shame. It is a constant battle and some days I do better than others.

I really don't think there are any easy answers and it is just going to involve a lot of time and a lot of hard work. Beating myself up doesn't change anything, other to than to make me miserable and those around me miserable.

 

[The Albatross]

Not all shame or guilt is unhealthy., A shame or guilt that makes you feel that you are truly and objectively responsible, that you contributed to whatever it is, and in addition, it motivates you to really want to fix and repair it and say, "I really want to do something to correct it." That’s a shame and a guilt that helps you grow. That actually is a positive element.

When you say, "I know I am sabotaging myself and preventing my healing and progress by being so preoccupied and consumed with shame and failure and self-hatred that they are all i can see." --- You are consciously at a crossroads to grow/change or to stay the same.

I read somewhere, ""Guilt is an emotion that rises after a transgression of one’s own or cultural values. Guilt is about actions or behavior; while shame is about the self. There is an important psychological difference in saying to someone that their behavior is bad; as contrasted with saying that they are bad. The former leads to guilt; the latter to shame. The purpose of guilt is to stop behavior that violates a self, family or societal standard. Guilt keeps score on excesses or deficits of behavior deemed undesirable and is expressed in regret and remorse."

Cultivate self worth and challenge your beliefs about your self. (I call it myth busting... and when my mind bubbles up with a bunch of I can'ts, I try to be aware of them and do some challenges. I don't really know if I can or can't unless I try.)

Commit to living a life based on your values, whatever they may be. And be willing to recognize and differentiate that guilt pangs can be a signal that you are choosing in your present actions or decisions that are contradictory.

Endeavor to self parent and to allow experiences and challenges into your life that will give you opportunities to grow. (For me that meant conquering agoraphobic tendencies, social anxiety, stuff like that).

Learn and practice self forgiveness, and mean it... being willng to make ammends if your actions hurt someone else.

Shame by the way, is often a past thing... or shame is experienced when something hidden becomes revealed. Like if I shoplifted an item and I got caught. Shame, for my own self examination was serving the purpose of isolating and protecting me... for a long time. Keeping me seemingly safe because my interactions with other people and situations was severely limited. But there came a time when I had to either accept isolation or become willing to endeavor some risks to get the life I said I wanted. Shame became optional for me. I found I was willing to forgo it and that I was better served moving forward to focus on my actions, thoughts, and feelings today. One day at a time, building up a history for myself of many days in a row where my thoughts and actions were consistent with my conscience and values.

I hope this helps?

 

[PTSD sufferer]

I read somewhere, ""Guilt is an emotion that rises after a transgression of one’s own or cultural values. Guilt is about actions or behavior; while shame is about the self. There is an important psychological difference in saying to someone that their behavior is bad; as contrasted with saying that they are bad. The former leads to guilt; the latter to shame. The purpose of guilt is to stop behavior that violates a self, family or societal standard. Guilt keeps score on excesses or deficits of behavior deemed undesirable and is expressed in regret and remorse."

This an excellent quote, thanks for sharing Alba!

Guilt is often forced on us both others to ensure social control, or individual control. We have social boundaries, group boundaries (such as family and friends groups) and then there are our own individual boundaries. Identifying boundaries for social needs (such as laws) are important, but more important are your own boundaries that you have individually around you. I started with identifying my own boundaries as I am unlikely to break the law. And, giving myself 'permission' to enforce them on myself and in how others treat me.

We forget, that when control has been taken away from us, we loose the courage and confidence to stand up for our own boundaries. And, because others desire us to fit their view, then we are made to feel guilt by others who choose to judge and control the social circle.

Recognising that others behaviours stem from their own core beliefs was a very liberating thing for me. Now, when others have me feel guilty, I try to logic their behaviour by way of their possible core beliefs being in play. It sounds judgemental to analyse others, but it can create greater empathy and distance the SELF from the environment - that is creating distance between you and how you feel, from what the social group has decided is acceptable. Greater compassion can be achieved, and to judge those that judge can lessen the environmental anxiety by creating an equality of psychology. Boundaries help to grow confidence in the SELF and can create the friendship styles we want and not those we don't (often friendships are made out of guilt and allowing others to control the social environment).

Cultivate self worth and challenge your beliefs about your self. Commit to living a life based on your values, whatever they may be.

Perfectly worded Alba.

Shame by the way, is often a past thing... or shame is experienced when something hidden becomes revealed.

Shame, is factor of the self core beliefs and the past primary relationships that have created those core beliefs. If you were to work backwards on a piece of paper about the event that makes you feel shame, to the core belief (or hot button) that it presses (such as feelings of failure) to the events in your primary environments and your memories that gave you the same feeling, and put a name next to the person who made you feel that way in those memories, you are likely to find that the shame, although an internal feeling of negativity, can be attributed to our experiences. Then work forwards, putting on another piece of paper all of the logical evidence you have to counteract that core belief (hot button) feeling, but and small, until the number of logical proof that you are not what you feel well exceeds the feeling. Remember, 90% of the negative feelings we have about ourselves are NOT TRUE! They have been given to us by others. Thus, others people's problems and not ours.

So, 20 question time:

Why do you feel shame about failure? What are the memories you have of failure?

Is this feeling of failure logical? How many times have you NOT failed?

Do you have exceedingly high expectations of your own success?

Failure is how we learn and grow. If we did not fail we would never know what works and we would never get closer to success. I imagine you are not being honest with yourself about the successes you have already had...

Maddog, I remember when you first joined this forum and I can see you have come very, very far since that day and had many successes along the way xxoo

 

[Zef]

Hi Maddog,
The best thing for me was being near others in crisis, seeing the shame they felt at themselves and thinking that these people have nothing to be ashamed about. Next thing I knew, I started thinking the same thing about myself. It wasn't easy or immediate, but I don't really feel much shame anymore except during my really bad times.

I don't know how you would find such a group of people in your environment, but I found it extremely healing to be with other people going through a similar experience as me because I got to see and hear many of the ways they thought incorrectly about themselves and was able to see and hear myself doing the same things.

 

[Eleanor]

The only thing I have to add to the excellent things said above, are that shame, as a basic physical emotion is capable of being shifted by intentional alteration of facial expression. (Weird but true.) It doesn't have a specific facial expression that goes with it - which kind of makes sense if you think about it - Paul Ekman says that shame is the reaction we have to threats to our social self - when we feel others might be repulsed by us.

Here is an interview with brief descriptions of the facial expressions associated with the basic emotions. I can transcribe the more detailed ones from his book "Emotions Revealed" if you need them. (Or try to find them online for you. Just don't have quite enough time right now...)

http://discovermagazine.com/2005/jan/physiology-of-facial-expressions/

Ekman says in another place: "Sadness (the name of a family of emotions that includes disappointment, discouragement, and hopelessness) is felt when there is an important loss. Typically it is the loss of someone to whom we are very attached; when the loss is due to death we call it grief. Guilt is felt about an action that we know was wrong. Shame is felt not about an action but about who and what we are; if anyone really knew who and what we are, they would be repulsed. Guilt motivates a confession of wrong doing, shame inhibits it."

The trick is to rearrange your face into another emotion, think thoughts associated with the other emotion and let it "sink in". If you work it from both directions, it often really helps to change the state. Changing physical posture helps too. If you are going for a "positive" emotion (Happiness, surprise, contentment, amusement, excitement, pride in achievement, satisfaction, sensory pleasure) : Sit/stand up straight. Drop your shoulders down and back. Hold your head high. Look UP. Jump if possible. Unclench anything that is clenched (unless you are going for angry... in which case, clench away!)

It seems like a parlor trick, but it works.

 

[piratelady]

So, are you saying that by having a happier facial expression it would help deal with shame?

 

[shell]

I've been looking at my shame, for me shame was and has always been my biggest issue. It defines how I feel about myself, and how I relate to others, my shame never leaves me, it isn't just triggered by things that happen around me, for me it feels like that is who I am, shame.

So now I break up that shame into small pieces, and ask myself is what I'm thinking really true? It's is the only way I have found to start feeling better about who I am.

Was I really responsible for making my parents abuse me - no, but I always had so much shame because I believed I was defective, that there was something intrinsically wrong with me, that I made them do it.

Feeling intrinsically wrong just didn't define my relationship with parents, it then became who I am.

I have so many of these false beliefs that came from being abused, so I now write then down, because if I don't recognise it I can't work on them.

I have spent alot time in the last month reading about shame, and one thing that helped me, was recognizing that all people experience shame, it's normal.


It just better to feel guilt.

 

[Eleanor]

having a happier facial expression it would help deal with shame?

I know it sounds dumb. I really know that. But, yeah, that is what I am saying. The thing is that there is good evidence that the "cause" of emotional states can go either direction "inside out" or "outside in". Will this kind of technique work with the kind of shame we are talking about here? I don't think it is possible to just "cure" it by putting on a happy face - BUT I think that consciously working on the body aspects of emotional responses can help to break up the patterned/habitual responses and make it more possible to work with them. It helps to read Ekman's specific descriptions/instructions about what precisely the facial expression that goes with the emotion is - very often there are subtle muscle contractions that are present in the real expression that are absent in the fake version (most people can distinguish between a real smile, and a fake one - but few have enough conscious facial muscle control to present a "real" one on cue - which is what fires up the affective brain's happy circuits.)

It is, at least something one can practice doing that might help and surely won't hurt. And in conjunction with the cognitive work that shell and others have suggested - it is part of a path out...

 

[Hashi]

Maddog, I can relate to what you say. For me, it includes shame about my financial situation, health, career and home. I feel like they're all signs saying "Loser" hanging above my head. I have dreams where people judge me for the way I am, and I yell at them defensively, "It's a MEDICAL CONDITION!". So, yes, it bothers me quite a bit.

I think people have said some really good things in reply. The only thing I'd add is that what helps me a little is to work on this beforehand/generally, rather than deal with it when or after things happen.

I try to think about what my expectations of myself are, and then what expectations would actually be realistic. That way, I'm still setting myself some sort of ideal situation - for example, to manage to see a friend once every three months if I can - but not holding myself up against what I managed before, or what other people can manage (eg to see her once or twice a month). It's a huge relief to give myself permission not to feel bad about what's beyond me, and it means that something that might have felt like failure is actually OK. The sky hasn't fallen in since I started doing this - in fact, the world seems surprisingly able to take it in its stride. It seems to be only me who's judging me so harshly. :oops:

 

[maddog]

Wow, thanks so much to everyone who has responded to this thread. So disillusioned was I that I wondered as I posted it why I was even bothering, figuring I'd heard it all before and probably wouldn't learn anything new from the responses.

But I did, they all really helped, particularly in just framing things I thought I already knew and believed, in more concrete achievable ways.

I know there is no smooth road out of this place. As others have eluded to, when the shame has developed as a core component of the personality and self concept, it has gone far beyond being associated with particular causal events and people. So while I do believe it's possible to "chunk" it and deal with each chunk separately as situations and contexts arise, there is a deep, hidden core that I assume can only be destroyed by cutting off the blood vessels which feed it, the blood vesels being the individual contextual situations described above.

Sorry, hope that made sense, not feeling very coherent tonight, but really just wanted to say a humble thanks. Maybe I'll even try to use this thread to map out my shame-busting journey, the ups, the downs, the victories and challenges. Maybe some day I'll look back and believe it's really doable.

Maddog