Winning the war against shame - is it really possible?

[PTSD sufferer]

when the shame has developed as a core component of the personality and self concept, it has gone far beyond being associated with particular causal events and people. So while I do believe it's possible to "chunk" it and deal with each chunk separately as situations and contexts arise, there is a deep, hidden core that I assume can only be destroyed by cutting off the blood vessels which feed it, the blood vesels being the individual contextual situations described above.

Very well said Maddog! I couldn't agree more with you. We need to get to the core and unravel that, so as to reduce the blood flow to that area. Perfectly articulated. xxoo

 

[Eleanor]

Looking forward to the victory parties! :tup:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

MD I hope you use this thread as a shame journal to mark your way on the jouney. Thinking of you. You are very brave to tackle this one. Wishing you the very best on your way. Big hugs.

 

[Inspired 2 B Free]

I know I am sabotaging myself and preventing my healing and progress by being so preoccupied and consumed with shame and failure and self-hatred that they are all i can see. People tell me I just have to work on thinking differently, but I don't know how to do that...

I guess I'm looking for practical ways, real things, actual "doing" things that might help me to tackle these feelings, one tiny moment at a time. If that doesn't make much sense, an example might be that I tend to be too ashamed to say to people that I'm just not up to meeting up with them or engaging in whatever event or activity is being discussed, so I tend to want to make up a so-called valid reason why I can't come, so I don't have to be honest about my limitations. All that achieves is to double my initial shame by adding the shame for having lied and invalidated my own right to be who I am. So I know that working hard to be up front with others about my limitations is a practical way I can start to internalise an acceptance of them.

Does anyone have any other strategies? Gosh, does anyone even know what I'm talking about?

Maddog

Maddog, Sadly...many of us do know what you are talking about. I am doing much better, but I used to always feel obligated to "justify" my reasoning for anything and everything.

Saying No is difficult for us survivors. We were taught it's not ok to say No. This follows us everywhere -even to the mundane things in life.

Also, there is shame in what was done to us and the perpetrators don't feel it. Somehow it gets transfered to the victim instead.

Two things I found to be helpful:
1. Saying "Thanks for inviting me. I need to check my schedule and get back to you." This buys me time to think about whether I actually want to attend or not.
2. Saying "Thanks again for inviting me, but it's not going to work out for me." This way I am telling the truth without telling so much I will be judged for it.

Hopefully one or both of these will be helpful to you.

 

[maddog]

Thanks Inspired 2 B Free, these are good suggestions. I do tend to use the first one often, but have concluded that it's almost become a curse for me, as I default to it almost automatically now, and then spend ridiculous amounts of time and energy grappling with myself about what to do, thereby only increasing my anxiety, guilt and resulting shame for my indecisiveness and the almost inevitable decision I make not to go.

Sadly, have taken a real hit, yet again, in the war against shame. My doc told me on Friday that i'm now at the point of needing fairly heavy duty drug interventions, as nothing else seems to be working to stabilise things. i know, rationally of course, that there's no shame in this. Try telling that to my inner voice though. All she can feel is failure, and shame, and despair.

Also facing the very real possibility I might have to stop working, again.
Shame doesn't feel a strong enough word to describe how that feels.

Dark times...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((MD))) I think you are not a failure for these things happening. You have been in the grip of this for a very long time. It is out of your control. You are helpless and powerless in the face of it. Try not to beat yourself up, it will only make you feel worse. You are human and you need care and attention. Big hugs.

 

[The Albatross]

I am concerned Mad Dog when you say you spend rediculous amounts to time grappling with yourself and that it only increases anxiety. guilt and shame. Honey of course it does, it is a mental/emotional cycling. The more you contemplate your belly button, the more guilt and shame you will have because you missed things in your present, because you were contemplating your belly button. (?)

Been out of the loop so I'm not sure why you feel that not working is a real possibility... but I'd advise against it. Rise to the occasion if you can... once your down, it's harder to get back up... every time. Your inner voice is just an echo of hurt and pain... it has no bearing on you now.

 

[Inspired 2 B Free]

I agree with Albatross advising against quitting work. It is very important to have a purpose each day and accountability to get out of bed. The more you slide out of the world, the harder it is to come back.

Meds can be a good temporary bridge until you gather your strength. Getting on them doesn't have to be permanent. You aren't a failure if you choose to use them to help you through the worst times. It's like having a broken leg -you use the crutch until the bone heals, but not forever.

You do need help and sometimes asking for help takes strength. (I'm still learning this one!!) Please know you are stronger than you feel. One day you will feel as strong as you are. Hang in there.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear MD, I know all too well the feeling of lacking strength, of trying everything to seemingly no avail, of being vulnerable and exhausted and voiceless, powerless. Heck, in many (most) ways I still am. But I think that in that vulnerability lies the key to finding a way out. Oddly enough.

It really will get better, hang in there and try to halt the inner critic. We all love you here, many others do in '3D', also. (((((Hugs)))))

 

[maddog]

Thanks for the responses and encouragement. Withdrawing from work is something I'm fighting against with everything I have. It would be my last resort, close to the worst case scenario for me right now, but unless i can get on top of things and begin coping better, i am unlikely to have a choice. Believe me when I say this is not something I will ever do by choice. As you have all said, work gives me a structure and a purpose that I couldn't easily replace right now, if at all, and to lose those things would devastate me.

That said, if it needs to happen for a few months, then my challenge will be to deal with the shame associated with that, and to somehow believe that it's ok to need to stop for a while.

This is all so hard on its own, if only the shame wasn't there to make it all feel so much worse.

Maddog

 

[p-no]

Probably my shortest answer ever: Yes.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Oh I wish you could do the emdr. It would remove the shame permenately. I know you need to stabalize first. I know that you are doing the very best that you can with the cards you have been dealt.

I just finished dealing with 2 memories that tortured and tormented me since they happened so many years ago. Not only is the shame gone, but I have a new respect for me. It has made a profound difference in my life. I have been going to therapy off and on for years and the emdr works like magic. The best part is that it is now a part of me. I get to keep what I gain from it.

I had been so afraid to try the emdr. My fears almost got the best of me. I would not have known this freedom from the shame. i think shame is toxic and it kills the spirit of a a human being.'