Wish to get beaten by people who treat me nicely

[blackandwhite2017]

Hello World,

Whenever I feel like I have messed up, I hope there is someone who will just beat the crap out of me but then hug and encourage me afterwards. I don't even mind if the person beats me for the fun of it sometimes, as long as they care for me after the beating. I started imagining a parent figure like this starting from the age of 7, and eventually my wish "realized" with a physically abusive step father, but unfortunately there was only violence and no care.

Now that I am an adult, I find myself daydreaming a physically abusive person as my perfect girlfriend (I am lesbian). My model is like this: she can beat me up whenever she feels like it as long as she treats my wounds and hug me to sleep afterwards. This is weird as I hate hugging/cuddling with my current sexual partners. And I DON'T enjoy BDSM, I don't get sexual pleasures from pain.

I wonder if anyone else has similar thoughts and you guys thoughts on whether those kinds of fantasies are healthy or not. Is it fine for such fantasies to exist or do those fantasies suggest a deeper problem that will affect my intimate relationship later down the road? Can a real life relationship like the one in my fantasy exists? I have had many sexual partners, but I have never been with anyone more than 3 nights so I have avoided getting close to any of them to possibly apply my fantasy.

Cheers,
HelloWorld314

 

[fish-vs-water]

1. Yes, a relationship like that can exist. If you want better odds on it ending up being a healthy one long-term, it's vital that you do a lot of critical thinking as you start to get to know this person. I would highly recommend not having sex for a very long time (think as long as you can, then when you get there push beyond it a couple times). The thing is what you're wanting requires someone who does this but not out of any desire to actually harm you.

2. I have never heard of this as an aspect of an otherwise perfectly healthy relationship, except when in the context of BDSM (which does exist in many elusive forms, though I totally trust and validate your statement that you're sure you're not into it). And I have studied human relationships and things like this to a larger extent than most. But it may exist. (I'm actually quite curious about that now).

3. Keep in mind that you have been affected by trauma and that alters at least to some extent, how you think and feel. You probably know that, but I also think it can't be said enough. Now that I've reflected on something similar to this, in theory and in practice (I could tell you more if you're curious), which is still going on I'm just trying to be open minded and not automatically go for what my affected-by-PTSD state of mind/state of being may tell me I want. Because after all, maybe all you really want is the care. Because you never got it then. The association and good feelings from it may come easier if the care follows a beating, but maybe just the care would be enough. It's worth trying. I'm trying it for my first time currently. Going on almost 1 year now. And I often still want the hurt before the care in some f*cked up way, but having the care without it IS helping me heal/Helping me be less afraid of...everything.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

My man and I did this for awhile. It was more in the BDSM sexual setting than in real life. This did not work for me. In fact, it made things a lot worse in some ways. While the idea of the hurting and the comforting seems nice, I found that it created a really negative undertone to our relationship. We separated for awhile and after reconnecting and rekindling our relationship, we never went back. I found that this style of treatment degraded me and allowed me to re-create my trauma thereby worsening it rather than making it better.

While it may be a fantasy, based on my own experience, I wouldn't recommend bringing it into reality.

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like you might have a desire to reenact trauma --- but with a "happy" ending of hug and comfort afterwards.

Compulsions to rennact trauma are super common. It is theorized this is fueled by the subconscious drive to master what happened in the past. To find control over it.

You may have also internalized the message from your abuser that making a mistake means you deserve harm, even harm mixed with loving actions.

I'd be really worried if you found a person willing to cause wounds that need tending, at their whim, for mistakes. I don't think it would help you recover from the trauma. While part of the brain knows BDSM is pretend, part of it doesn't know that, and it kicks the fight or flight drive into gear more. And what you fantize about doesn't seem like pretend assault on yourself, but actual wounding. While getting injured can kick in an endorphin high, purposeful other-inflicted injury can become just as addictive and out of control as self-injury.

I'd instead suggest beginning to find other healthy ways to get the needs for comfort met, and to start to challenge the message that "messing up" means violence against yourself. Reject what your abusers believed. Instead, begin to associate making a mistake with a neutral or self compassionate response. It won't feel as good at first, it may even feel kinda crappy at first, but it will help a lot more over the long haul.

 

[Deleted member 42957]

When I feel any emotions strongly I really want someone to physically hurt me. I do s/h probably to punish myself for feeling but think if someone else hurts me then it is real punishment rather than me doing it myself. I never have wanted to be cared for afterwards though. Ive been punished for what in my head is a wrong so I don't deserve to be cared for afterwards.

 

[xXRockFiendXx]

Personally, I keep writing stories where this is the case for my main character. The main character is in a terribly abusive situation, there's another character to focus all their attention on the care of the main character and help them afterward. Personally, I feel like it's my way of replaying what happened to me emotionally (abuse), and want I want from someone (the care). This sounds similar to what you're saying, but you want that from the same person, it seems. Is it mostly the caring after the hurt that you want?
Sending a *HUG* no matter what =).

 

[Deleted member 42783]

Just saw this thread. I know it's a bit old.
Nice to know I am not alone in this desire. It has nothing to do with BDSM for me. I used to want my husband to beat the crap out of me during sex and then be kind. I looked for men to hook up with who would do the same. Idk why.

Self harm? Sure. Wanting to feel loved? I guess. I don't understand why the two together.