Withholding parts of your story

[mrsmegan]

I have been working really hard at therapy for a few years now, and a bit over a year ago started to tell my therapist more about the sexual abuse.

There have been a couple of big details that i withheld and then let go of at other times, probably one of the biggest last week.

I am feeling all over the place. I feel like I lied to my T by not telling him, although he certainly was not angry or made me feel guilt.

It seems wrong that I withheld parts. Can anyone relate to this?

 

[Enaila]

I don't see it as lying. My T says I will share when I'm ready to. I had to work through other things first and learn to trust before I was able to share some of the bigger issues. Healing takes time.

 

[mrsmegan]

Thanks @Enaila my T said that he doesnt own my story or when i share. Its just hard.

 

[Virtues]

Yes; I withheld parts of my story for many years (and still do to a lot of peer groups) for fear of criminal prosecution. I've been assured by a retired military officer that I could not be prosecuted, but I'm still very reserved. I know what it's like to hold on to something.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I absolutely relate - my therapist actually doesn't know the full extent of things. I give her pretty much the bare minimum amount of information I need to give her, to get help with some of the issues I've been having, and even then, she pretty much just has a general picture of things, with a few graphic events laid out. There is a lot that bothers me - like the stuff from my childhood, that I don't even talk about with her at all. I honestly have been debating getting a new therapist, lately. If I'm able to arrange it. I have good reasons, I think, but, that's stuff for other threads.

 

[Joan]

Absolutely relate! I think it is only "normal" not to reveal everything at once. There is no timeline, no have to, it is your story to tell when and if you want.

 

[Friday]

There’s the stuff I can’t talk about.
There’s the stuff I won’t talk about.

Then there’s logistics.

Even with rap-godlike-speed I couldn’t talk about everything, all at once, right now.

An honesty trick, when there’s stuff I can’t or won’t talk about? Is to say that. It lets the person know things are being withheld, without being deceptive about it... AND... it’s super helpful if it falls under the can’t instead of won’t > IE it let’s them know it’s something I need assistance in. The won’t, meanwhile, is also discussable. Because why I won’t discuss it is valuable info. My freedom I hold dear? Someone else’s secrets / aren’t mine to tell? A moral decision? Oaths & vows? Fear? Dysregulation/Not enough self control to begin discussing it? Not enough time in an hour? Trust issues? Other reasons? Oftentime the reasons, I’ve found, are more useful to go into than the thing itself.

If I’m not willing to be honest, I see very little point in therapy. But I also don’t view honesty as an all or nothing gig. Correction. I often do, but try not to. ;) Oh the joys of black and white thinking!

 

[bellbird]

I definitely relate to this too.
Some details of my abuse, and even the fact that I was being abused by my ex, I with-held from my counselor for a long time. Even though on some days I'd be going from his house where the abuse happened.. straight to my counseling session.

The fact of the matter is, I just wasn't ready to talk about it back then. And any therapy surrounding that issue would not have benefited me if I wasn't ready to go there. I still feel a lot of guilt, like maybe I was *hiding* things from my counselor. But as many have said in the posts above me, there is so much more behind why we hide things. It isn't deceit.

 

[Freida]

yep - yep - yep. I still "forget to mention" things to my T. She knows that i do it, so she just waits till it randomly pops out. She is forever telling me "your brain is wise - it will release things as you gain the strength to deal with them"

 

[Suzetig]

It might be worth thinking about why you feel your T needs to know the stuff that you’re holding on to. Is it because the knowledge would change the work you’re doing together, or just because you think your T should know it - ie that there’s a moral imperative to tell all? The first option, I’d be inckind to go down @Friday’s route of telling her there’s something you feel you need her to know but that you can’t say yet.

The second? I’d find a way to let it go tbh, either tell or don’t tell but try not to fret either way. I did withhold lots of stuff from my T and did in a specific instance effectively lie by omission (and then had conniptions trying to tell her about the “lie”). My Ts response was to remind me that I only see her 1 hour a week, that she doesn’t expect to know every detail of anything and that it’s her privilege - not her right - to hear anything of my life.

It helped me see that the withholding was more about my feelings about the relationship, wanting to test her commitment to me (would she by angry about. me not telling her about X) and feeling that I didn’t deserve her support with it anyway. Nothing at all about the actual thing, which by that time had gained a huge amount of power over me.

I’m not sure if any of that helps, but Ts are very used to not having the whole picture - they couldn’t possibly get it all. Work out what the withholding is about for you and you’ll know when it’s time to share, or not.

 

[ILoveLife]

I agree that there isnt a need to tell every little detail.
Would just like to add that what usually needs to be said often eventually is said in therapy.

A lot of stuff we can handle on our own, or have a better understanding of our inner workings than our Ts, too, like in every relationship.

 

[littleoc]

It's really nice seeing that so many people have this -- not because I like it but because it's really, really nice to not be alone