Without him i am not me, but with him i can't be the best me

[LexyLou]

Apologies if this is muddled.

I love my husband dearly, and he loves me. I am lucky. But this is new to both of us and we're struggling to keep afloat. He knows I'm holding back, which upsets him, and upsetting him makes me feel like the worst spouse.

I have a friend in hospital after a very serious attack. I've always felt very connected to him but it reached another level this morning. The moment I finally got my head down at 3am I felt him begging for help and crying. It was gut wrenching, I felt his fear and his pain. After about half an hour of trying to persuade myself it was just anxiety etc, I dropped him a text saying that I could feel that either he was in pain or in a nightmare, then waited by my phone. The whole thing subsided about 4 am, then at 8 he replied and told me that his head injury was so painful that he was crying, throwing up and they ended up giving him sedatives at 4.

Getting to the point! I am entirely freaked out by this whole thing. When I was talking to hubs this morning I mentioned it and he said "oh are you telling me you're magic again, this is ridiculous". It hurt me. From the course I just finished for borderline I know this reaction is born of mistrust and abandonment feelings. But I'm also so sad and angry, because he's meant to be someone who doesn't hit those sore spots.

 

[The Albatross]

In all relationships there are going to be sore spots. Fact.

You said, "From the course I just finished for borderline I know this reaction is born of mistrust and abandonment feelings." So instead of... "I'm also so sad and angry, because he's meant to be someone who doesn't hit those sore spots", how about your coping skills? Which ones are you using?

P.S. I think I'd take another look at the thread title. There's inherently something wrong about both those statements. Can you see what it is?

To me I expect that your real reliance has much more to do with your partner than it is actually self actualized. Establish a sense of competency and manage yourself better and you'll improve. Continue on the same track and you'll wear out your partner.

 

[EveHarrington]

WTF?

He sounds like an arrogant douche bag TBH. A life partner who makes cutting remarks about you being "magic"...?

Coping skills weren't invented so we can continue to be abused by assholes.

Why do you stay with this jerk? He just reinforces the idea that YOU are the damaged one!

Adding-----

I think you sound a bit codependent.

 

[LexyLou]

thank you all for insights. i was too in my own world to notice my own sabotage. he's a good man with no brain. i'm very reliant on him and we're not 'balanced'. He's definitely the boss of the house, because we'd be bankrupt and homeless if he wasn't. I'm sorry that I'm not familiar with all the words, like codependent, reliance, self actualized. I think I've generally understood though.