Won’t my therapist see me?

[Scott88]

ive been seeing my T for a while but they have been off on sick for the last 2 months which has been extreamly hard, during that time I was assigned to a couple of different t’s while they was away just to check in on mthe weekly, Just before they went into sick I disclosed my childhood trauma to him which I’ve never ever ever spoke about to anybody. It opened up some very very raw things for me and been extreamly hard now it’s outthere.

My T returned from sick but now I can’t see him, the different T I saw for the last 3 weeks which works in the same department told me I can’t see him, and I’m going to have to see this one or somebody else.

Why can’t I see my original T, why doesn’t he want to see me, I trusted him, I trusted him with my life, I’ve told him things I’ve never told anybody and I am so scared that he knows I am so scared I can’t see him, I need to see him I can’t do it without him, I’ve tried telling this to this other T but nobody is letting me see him!!!!!! It’s killing me this

 

[Suzetig]

There may be lots of reasons for him not seeing you, he may be at work but have a restricted case load, may not be dealing with trauma at the moment, he may have had all his previous clients reassigned, may not be practicing at all at the moment, may have health issues that are stopping him taking on longer term clients - it could be anything but it won't be you or what you disclosed to him that has made him not see you.

Two months is a long time to be off work and suggests he's been quite poorly - that's nothing to do with what you shared with him, you've not hurt or harmed him in any way - it's been really bad timing.

While it's really hard, you can live without him. It's a horrible ending but you've survived while he was off sick and you will still survive - you may want to work through your feelings of loss with your new T, or you might decide to take a break but you will live through this.

 

[Emotional girl]

I am sure that this has nothing to do with you or your trauma.When you suffer from a mental illness it is quite common to blame yourself when things don't go to plan especially if you are not getting the answers that you require.
You said he has been off work for quite a while with an illness maybe he has to cut down on his work load because of this.
Believe me I know how difficult endings can be and how painful it can be but please don't blame yourself and I hope that your new therapist provides you with the support and trust that you need.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Brilliant responses already. I just want to restate this is not because of you. Bravo to you for sharing hard things!! Do it again with your new t.

 

[joeylittle]

My T returned from sick but now I can’t see him, the different T I saw for the last 3 weeks which works in the same department told me I can’t see him, and I’m going to have to see this one or somebody else.

In the US, if this were the case, it would be incredibly normal to do a final session to close things down with T number one. I'm wondering if the same value is placed on that in the UK - it's come up on a few different threads over the years, and I'm getting the impression that it's not considered as useful or important. But it sounds like it would help. It's not so you can start something new with T number one, just to be able to wrap things up so you aren't left with a lot of questions and weird feelings.

@Suzetig - is that the sort of thing @Scott88 could request?

 

[Suzetig]

It depends on the setting - the NHS are quite clinical in that many of their services won't allow for an ending session because they follow a mainly medical model that treats practitioners as being interchangeable so wouldn't tend towards seeing therapy as being relational and so wouldn't see value in an ending session. In saying that there are individual practitioners who are very relational and would argue for an ending with clients, so it's worth asking. I wouldn't ask the new T though, is approach the service manager.

In voluntary agencies I would expect if the client asked for an ending session they would get one, unless there was a practice concern with the therapist.

In private services I'd expect you to get whatever you're prepared to pay for unless, again, there were practice concerns.

In asking for a final session I'd avoid talking about not being able to survive without your T, because that would suggests it's not going to be an ending and might actually make things worse. It's perfectly reasonable to want to say goodbye to your T in person and that's what I'd be asking for, a good enough ending to a meaningful process. To be honest, most ethical Ts would request that with their clients anyway unless they really thought the client has successfully transferred to a new T, in which case they wouldn't want to disrupt the new relationship.

In short, it's worth asking.

 

[joeylittle]

the NHS are quite clinical in that many of their services won't allow for an ending session because they follow a mainly medical model that treats practitioners as being interchangeable so wouldn't tend towards seeing therapy as being relational

That is fascinating. I understand it, conceptually. But had never thought as therapy as anything other than, at least on some level, relational. interesting.

In asking for a final session I'd avoid talking about not being able to survive without your T, because that would suggests it's not going to be an ending and might actually make things worse.

Good advice. I do hate that it can be important to be in control of ourselves when we communicate things like this...but I agree, using the language that conforms correctly to the request often yields the best result.

 

[Suzetig]

I hate it too - I don't see why our needs can't just be accepted. While a T would get the feelings of loss and deal with them, the reality is the manager or service administrator making the decision about a final session may not understand the depth of feeling that can develop for a T and be concerned about over dependence. It's always worth knowing how to play the game, even though it shouldn't be a game in the first place.

 

[Scott88]

@Suzetig @Emotional girl and everybody else thank you for your replies...

You are all right, I am blaming myself and no matter how much anybody tells me it’s not my fault I can’t help but convince myself that it is. It’s just I trusted him so much and I feel like I’ve heen kicked in the stomach a million times, I really struggling to handle that I can’t see him anymore and that he knows, just after I’ve told him - now he’s gone why has he done this!! I came so close and I just felt f*ck it all the other day so f*cking close but the thoughts of my child stopped me, I have gone back to feeling very depressed and the whole T thing has just made everything so much worse, my thoughts are sooo loud in my head and memories and feelings and everything have become the worst they have been it’s so so hard for me to explain I just feel like I’ve sunk into this massive pit full off shite screaming at me and I can’t get out

 

[Muttly]

I don't know if this will help at all. My old T got very ill. he took a few months off too. I had also just disclosed some stuff and was at a hard time. having him gone felt awful. parts of me felt he must have gotten sick because of what I'd shared. parts of me felt abandoned. And parts know those other feelings weren't accurate. There was a lot of chaos.

he came back and I did get to see him but he was very sporadic and he wasnt mentally there and then took another leave. he forgot to tell me he was going and I was suicidal and at one of my lowest points. He set no other coverage for me and even after I asked and he grudgingly said he'd find someone he did not. at that point I lost all trust in him and stopped seeing him.

in the end, I found a therapist who was better for me. I went from thinking I couldn't do it without his support and would probably end up killing myself to a better situation. It wasn't instantly better of course and there was a lot of hard work.

Right now feels awful for you. Not being able to see your T is stirring up a lot of legitimate feelings but there are also opportunities for you to learn and heal. It's also important to remember that some of what you are feeling probably isn't about the loss of your T, but about the disclosure you shared.

 

[Emotional girl]

@Scott88 I am not in the same position as you but know what you are feeling inside and how much it hurts to lose a therapist.We are human beings who need support and we get attached to these people who are there to help us.
I am glad that you are thought of your child and the affect that it would have on them, at times my child is also the only thing that has kept me going but also know it doesn't make things any less difficult especially if the negative thoughts are flying around.
Have you got a crisis team in your area that you could talk to or is your new therapist available to talk to at the moment.Could you write your old therapist a letter or email explaining just how much you are hurting inside and how you need a explanation and proper ending.

 

[Scott88]

@Emotional girl I did send my T a email and they never got back to me it does hurt so so much, I find it rediculously hard to trust ANYBODY and I just knew it was too good to be true that I trusted him, it always happens to me, i just know it’s my fault why he’s gone, I am just not worthy of anybody been nice to me!! it took me so long to be able to tell him things and now pow he’s gone like I can’t comprehend that, how am I suppose to now trust my new T how am I suppose to just work with him through all this, I can’t trust anybody!! Everything feels so raw right now I feel like I am going mental. Nobody understands and I just wish they did
My child is the only thing that is keeping me going, but my child deserves better, they don’t deserve me been like this, I try my hardest to keep it together for there sake as I don’t want them to hate me, I don’t want them to grow up thinking I don’t love them, I don’t want them to grow up feeling alone and scared, they need a strong capable mum.