Wondering If I Will Make It

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I feel like I am never going to wake up from feeling so tired. I have commitments and things to work on, but I am avoiding everything because I have no energy. Still feeling like I am in too much of a struggle to be able to help myself. When will this feeling end?

 

[scout86]

How are you sleeping these days?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

It takes me a while to fall asleep (even with meds). I don't wake from as many nightmares as I used to (because of meds), but I cannot wake myself up in the morning. And when I have dreams, I often can't wake myself from them and I get terrified because I need to stop or attend to whatever is happening in them (it doesn't even have to be a serious or scary thing). And in the mornings, I fall right back to sleep. I try to fight naps during the day and while I haven't technically slept during the day today, I am still exhausted. I see my med manager tomorrow but whenever I mention something we seem to butt heads and then I feel threatened. Plus I haven't seen her since my hard times the weekend before last so I am going to feel shame about those. I am thinking of enlisting help from inside if that part is willing and able to be civil, which she can be. I need meds to help me sleep, but I also think they are keeping me too sleep. I hate going to bed so that doesn't help either.

 

[scout86]

Sounds like you might be right about needing to adjust the medication. I'm not on any medication, so maybe this isn't relevant. I have problems both falling asleep and staying asleep. My T says that he thinks sometimes I get so tired I actually can't sleep. (Like a little kid?) One of his suggestions actually was to try to take naps. (He says lots of famous people took naps. :confused:) He says no longer than 20 minutes or it screws up your sleep at night. I've tried it and it seems to help. (I don't do it enough, I suppose.)

Your med manager sounds like a hard person to have to deal with! It would be nicer if it felt like she was on your side, huh?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@scout86 , I have heard that about naps. My problem is that I can't get out of a nap once I get into it. I can't stop at 20 minutes. First of all even napping it takes me 20 minutes at least to fall asleep and then if I do fall asleep nothing wakes me until I wake up 2-3 hours later. I didn't used to be on sleep meds. I didn't like the idea of them. And it was hard to get them to work, too. I hated the idea of all medication and I think I might be going back towards that thinking. Some days I think it makes it harder for me to function, but I don't really know.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

All I got from my med. manager today was lectures on how my experience with people not understanding me is not right and how I had to make the decision to get better (like I haven't been working on that!) and that I have a wall up and expect people to make decisions for me. Well, that made me feel tons better. So much better I cried all the way home and feel like the worst person ever because everything is always my fault. Didn't even get to talk to her about whether the meds are helping or not.

 

[scout86]

I'd say YOU aren't the worst person ever but SHE might be in the running. Seriously.

I don't know if people understand you or not. I can't imagine how your perception could be "wrong". Your perception is what it is. It may or may not be accurate but it really can't be "wrong".

Too bad you didn't get the chance to accomplish what you were actually there for! I hate it when that happens & it happens to me too.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I don't know if people understand you or not. I can't imagine how your perception could be "wrong". Your perception is what it is. It may or may not be accurate but it really can't be "wrong".

That's exactly what I wanted to say to her. I am going to contact my PCP and see if she will manage my meds until I can find someone better. I don't need extra anxiety and to feel worse about myself when I am seeking help. Still considering going back in-patient because things seem so out of control. I just don't know any more what to think.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

My parts or a part of mine took over last Friday and landed us in the hospital. Got home today and then had to go see my evil med. manager. I was completely switching towards the end because she won't help me like I need her to and she just keeps belittling me and changing my words. Completely messes with my head which is not okay. In fact it's dangerous and she thinks it's just a matter of my doubting that providers believe me about DID. Well, yes there is that, but she has a complete lack of compassion and understanding of how to treat someone whether she believes in DID or not doesn't really matter there. I am probably going back to in-patient hospital that will help me, maybe even as early as Friday. I hate leaving my family. I hate to think of what I will miss, but I can't keep going on like I am currently.

 

[scout86]

Wishing you the best & very much on your side!

 

[pixel]

It's great that you are utilising the support you have access to.

Well done :tup:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks @scout86 and @pixel . And thanks for going through this thread with me and cheering me on. I will be back with new skills if all goes well!