Wondering if my relationship with my husband will ever work out.

[Fozbear]

I have PTSD and wondering if my relationship with my husband will ever work out. He’s very controling and is overly concerned about everything in my life it seems even what I eat, my sleep and even my bathroom habits. I do want some autonomy in my life as I feel like his controling behaviour is overkill. I can’t even have sex with him at the moment because he is so controlling and has so much power in my life. I have a hx of CSA. We tried not long ago and I couldn’t. The sex was too painful.
It seems he wants me to meet all of his needs overnight and all of a sudden. I can’t even communicate properly with him yet after months of trying. And even much of what I say or do he corrects or redirects me 99.8% of the time. Some days I feel like giving up and will I ever be able to satisfy him? I’m losing hope it seems today. It’s already been such a hard long battle and I’m exasperated. Does anyone ever feel like this in their relationship with their spouse? And he even does not want me to talk about it, just to forget about it and move on but he has betrayed me and I have not fully grieved this. Will I ever be able to move on I wonder and forget about it? I’m not sure if I can. Im trying. I’m still in the shock stage I feel. Will I be able to grieve through this fully?

I feel so broken by all of this as if I wasn’t already by my past abuse. It’s going to take time to fix myself. I feel that my husband has unhealed issues about our relationship too and he hasn’t seeked help with his issues. Where I hurt him so much in the past. He denies his anger, rage, anxieties, worries, etc.. and all other feelings when I ask which doesn’t help. He’s in denial as well. Last night he was so full of rage I could see him clenching his fists and his teeth. He needs to let go of his emotions as well.

 

[IceQueencop]

Hello Fozbear,
Your post hits pretty close to home. My trauma was different, but still, hubby became controlling and angry. I couldn’t be around him, I started to avoid him. If he was awake I pretended to be asleep, if he was in one room I would go in another. He would regularly grab me and press against me like he thought it was sexy. It felt oppressive to me, but he didn’t listen when I told him this. He hated when I went in another room and shut the door. When he wanted to do something it had to be done precisely as he thought it needed to be done. I couldn’t be with him and I couldn’t care for his needs. At some point I realized he was seeing someone else, I didn’t care because there was nothing I wanted from him. I was relieved because his attention wasn’t on me.
Fast forward two years, I’m feeling better and more able to meet his needs. He recently admitted his 2.5 year affair with a co-worker. But only because her husband was threatening to call me. He’s is therapy now, and we both go to couples therapy together. We might work things out, but it’s going to take time.

Again, sorry you are going through this. Men desk with our trauma horribly. Drag him to therapy with you under the guise of needing a support person if nothing else. If he doesn’t listen and just acts upset, maybe tell him you need a break and then leave. For me I didn’t feel I could take care of myself, and my husband did a good job of managing the household and the kids. But, sometimes I wish I had left.

Best,
IQC

 

[Fozbear]

Thanks for the advice queencop,

I feel that my husband though is trying to make me into a version of himself too though an emotionless unfeeling version of himself. I’ve only seen him cry only two times throughout the twenty three years of our marriage. I can’t do that. I’m an emotional person and an empath. I’m passionate so alive I don’t want to turn into a robotic version of my husband. It’s not me. I feel it is unhuman like or robotic like. Yeah I’ll take responsibility for my ptsd anger that’s true but I don’t know where he gets off thinking I have a temper all the time like today. I talked calmly and politely to him. I didn’t get angry. He starts off talking disrespectful and non calm.what set me off recently was that he abused our dog badly a few days ago. I’m an animal lover and a woman with natural tendencies to protect younger ones even if it is a dog it’s cruel that he keeps stepping on the dogs feet, his tail and pulling at his fur to make him yelp. Even mothers have know to be direct in protecting their children mess with my kids and you will have to hear from me mamma bear attitude. And he sees this as a mental illness. Incredible what just because I care and I’m nurturing to my dog. This is the sixth time I told him now that I should report him to the spca.

If my husband wanted an emotionless woman version of himself he should have married someone as emotionless as himself. He doesn’t even cry at funerals. He didn’t cry with any of our three miscarriages. Our inability to have had no children. He didn’t cry at the death of his beloved aunt#s or unclesthat he was so close to. I doubt if he will cry when his parents pass away. I do not know how he does it. Stuffing all emotion is so unhealthy. Even many therapists and top experts mention this. It’s unrealistic what he is expecting of me. To me it’s so unhuman like.
And he never attempts to communicate verbally just mostly nonverbally kicking things or the dog or destroying things. So unhealthy. And if he does communicate verbally it’s so indirect and vague I have no idea what he is talking about.
And he is always so reluctant to apologize sincerely from his heart. When he apologizes it never seems real or from the heart like he means it. I always try to apologize very sincerely from my heart and really mean it when I make mistakes. But he never admits to any of his mistakes. I’m the one with the Ptsd so I’m always the one to blame I guess.

 

[Deanna]

And he never attempts to communicate verbally just mostly nonverbally kicking things or the dog or destroying things. So unhealthy.

My dad was like that. After 20 + years of marriage, my step mom divorced him. He kicked his kids that way too. It's probably s blessing you don't have children. So, why do u stick around? I know it's hard but PTSD is not the answer. He sounds bi-polar but we are not suppose to diagnose because we are not therapists, so why stick around for that? Do u feel sorry for hin?

 

[LuckiLee]

He sounds a little "antisocial". Or just plain mean. When I hear about people abusing their pets? I run fast and far. Those aren't the people I want to spend time with. I hope you both figure out a way to communicate, kindly.

 

[Jade-]

@Fozbear I feel like I don't have the right to say anything because my own husband can be a jerk at times.But my god,yours is controlling everything about you including your bathroom habits?

And this:

what set me off recently was that he abused our dog badly a few days ago

WTF?You said it's the 6th time he's abused your dog? Since you haven't done anything about it and continue to allow it to happen you're just as guilty of abuse and the dog needs to be removed from your care.

 

[somerandomguy]

Since you haven't done anything about it and continue to allow it to happen you're just as guilty of abuse

That sounds very much like what society tells mothers with abusive husbands, or fathers with abusive wives. Sometimes they are complicit. More usually they are also being abused.

I think this is very likely a case of control and abuse. @Fozbear - have you thought about getting out? Because I would strongly advise getting out.

 

[Jade-]

That sounds very much like what society tells mothers with abusive husbands, or fathers with abusive wives. Sometimes they are complicit. More usually they are also being abused..

I agree that they are usually also being abused. Regardless,helpless children and animals need to be protected at all costs.

 

[Ellabella44]

Hugs if you accept them Fozbear. Your situation reminds me of my father. He was like that. I know you want to work things out but I also feel that your situation isn't safe for you and your pup. You don't deserve to be treated like that and neither does your furbaby.

Talk to your therapist if you have one and start going over your options. If you don't have one currently please consider finding one. Everything he tells you isn't your fault if you can't do it the exact way he says.