I know I am in a depression right now. I don't sleep right, I have no energy, I am sad and as usual I can't stop thinking... And wondering. Wondering if it is worth it, to keep trying. Wondering what there is for me to look forward to. If there is anything, to look forward to. Or if I ... I don't know, give up already. I make no real progress. At least I don't feel like I do. It just seems to get worse actually.
My psychiatrist keeps trying meds (well, when I bother to got to her, which I don't do a lot any more, to be honest) But they don't seem to help. I feel no different, no matter what she tried. she's gone back to the first meds I ever took, but it doesn't really help. the only meds who are helping are the ones she gave me for when my anxiety gets too much. I only take those in emergencies, because they zombify me. I don't care about much, when I have to take one, and I... do not like that.
My trust issues are so severe that I have never been able to open up enough to a therapist, no matter how hard I try, that it actually got me somewhere. I need insane amounts of time to be able to get to a point and well... It just never worked out.
I haven't worked in years, I can't imagine working again. I did not have good working experiences, so I am even afraid to try again.
I get more reclusive, I think I am starting to get a real fear of leaving the house. I never liked going outside much, even as a child, but now I put going anywhere off as long as I can. I only make short trips. and sometimes I just can't leave.
That are just some of the issues. I just feel like I am getting more 'messed up'. My family (those to whom I still speak) keep telling me I should just forget the past and move on, that I should put it behind me, like it is that easy. Or to stop being so lazy.
I used to get me through these phases with imagining that one day, I'd be better. That I'd win. But recently I keep asking myself, if this 'one day' will ever come, or if I am just deluding myself, and go on torturing myself by keeping existing for, well, nothing. It feels like I've been trying forever, and I still don't get anywhere.
The only thing I am proud of is, that I managed to stop cutting myself, and I manage to resist the urge. But really, that is about it. And it's not enough.
Sorry for rambling. But I can't really tell anyone. My friends love me, and my psychiatrist is great, but I don't want them to think I would do something to end me. I don't want to have to go to the hospital (I am very afraid of that). And I am too stubborn to give up. Not yet. But still, I keep wondering. And being disappointed in myself.
My psychiatrist keeps trying meds (well, when I bother to got to her, which I don't do a lot any more, to be honest) But they don't seem to help. I feel no different, no matter what she tried. she's gone back to the first meds I ever took, but it doesn't really help. the only meds who are helping are the ones she gave me for when my anxiety gets too much. I only take those in emergencies, because they zombify me. I don't care about much, when I have to take one, and I... do not like that.
My trust issues are so severe that I have never been able to open up enough to a therapist, no matter how hard I try, that it actually got me somewhere. I need insane amounts of time to be able to get to a point and well... It just never worked out.
I haven't worked in years, I can't imagine working again. I did not have good working experiences, so I am even afraid to try again.
I get more reclusive, I think I am starting to get a real fear of leaving the house. I never liked going outside much, even as a child, but now I put going anywhere off as long as I can. I only make short trips. and sometimes I just can't leave.
That are just some of the issues. I just feel like I am getting more 'messed up'. My family (those to whom I still speak) keep telling me I should just forget the past and move on, that I should put it behind me, like it is that easy. Or to stop being so lazy.
I used to get me through these phases with imagining that one day, I'd be better. That I'd win. But recently I keep asking myself, if this 'one day' will ever come, or if I am just deluding myself, and go on torturing myself by keeping existing for, well, nothing. It feels like I've been trying forever, and I still don't get anywhere.
The only thing I am proud of is, that I managed to stop cutting myself, and I manage to resist the urge. But really, that is about it. And it's not enough.
Sorry for rambling. But I can't really tell anyone. My friends love me, and my psychiatrist is great, but I don't want them to think I would do something to end me. I don't want to have to go to the hospital (I am very afraid of that). And I am too stubborn to give up. Not yet. But still, I keep wondering. And being disappointed in myself.
