Work Stress and Overreactions

[TLight]

Hi Guys;

Perhaps this is just a vent, but I just don't seem to have the space for greed and B.S. in the workplace.

I had a bit of a relapse yesterday that my new boyfriend witnessed (ps, we are now living together).

I went back to school, sick with Fibro, sick with PTSD, practically totally out of my mind and busted my butt to get a degree in Biology in order to get out of customer service where I was triggered constantly by rude angry people venting on me. I didn't know it, but I've had PTSD all my life and I can't take people venting........it is like I'm being battered and tortured all over again.

Anyway, so I make it through school at 35 y.o...worked my buns off. Nature was always the only thing that ever gave me some comfort and peace from the horror I was always in.

I ended up as an Environmental Consultant, Wetland Biologist. OMG!!!! It is nothing but angry developers and snotty real estate people and horrible conflict.
So I'm out on disability, but still plugging away at a few residential projects because people know me and I'm good.

Long story short. I did a Critical Area Study required by the County (well, all jurisdictions in this case), for my neighbors and then landlords. She is a real estate agent and I just sensed she was greedy and 'like that'.......so I kept my boundaries.

She wanted to go cheap and wanted both parcels in one report. I checked with my friend, a County Biologist whom I'd worked with and he gave it the 'yes.' I wrote up my Scope of Work for her to sign which states the project tasks and costs. We did the report 8 monthes ago and she turned it in no problem.

Then I get a call from her telling me the County now wants the report split because it is two separate parcels. I said I can do it for 3 hours work and printing costs.

I get a snotty e-mail from her saying that "I'm the professional and I should have known better what they would require, etc. etc. and she shouldn't have to pay." She said stuff like she wanted it in two reports and I was the one that suggested to put it in one, etc. Total lies. All lies and manipulation. It was really totally rude. She attacked me as a professional and I've worked so hard to be an expert at what I do.

I replied with an e-mail stating what our conversation was and that she needed to refer to the Scope of Work she signed. But it was too late. I showered and tried to keep myself under control......but was really unstable in the shower. My BF came in and asked if I was OK, I muttered a hopeful 'yes.' Then layed in bed for a bit because the Fibro was bad. I started crying. He happened to come in........I tried my darnest to hide it.........but I was going down rapidly.

I said; "I've had it......I just am worn, I can't take anymore of people being angry, abusive, rude........I'm freakin dirt poor, they know it..........she even knows I have PTSD! I'm scrapping by and I can't take the BS anymore......I've no fight left in me. I hate this world, I've hated it ever since I came into it. It's an awful place and I so don't want to be here." I have to go in for a lump in my breast on Weds and I said; "If this thing turns out to be anything, I'm not doing a damn thing about it."

He calmed me down and said he didn't want to see me in this field anymore........it is just too nasty. He was a contractor and he knows how people can be. I'm just worn down........I get triggered and I start feeling this incredable anger.......rage, like I could hurt someone. It scares me.

He said that he won't allow me to be in this field anymore. That I have to find my 'happy place'.......then the next day he said if I have any more 'episodes' like that it will be hard for him to stay with me, because it causes him too much anxiety.
Now I'm moved in and have lost my little apt..........now if I 'slip' I'll lose him. Now I'm scared.

I know what he said is right......that I was right about the type of person she was and that I just need to shove it back in her lap and walk away. I know that 15 years ago I still had some strength to do this. I calmed down right away and took his nuturing and listened and he brought me back.........but I'm scared. I got suicidal almost immediately. I'm so scared of going back to the workplace........its been nothing but a nightmare for me..........if its not sexual harassment ands staulking, it's being yelled at, disrespected, mocked and attacked. I'm just done. After everything I've been through, I just can't take anymore.............

My abusers seem to have just about taken away everything from me......my youth, my memories are all bad, bad bad.......now my career...........Scott says there is someplace where I can safely use my skills. I believe him........but I'm so scared.
I was shaky and unstable all day. I so easily hit the skids now. We ended up having a nice weekend and I pulled far out of it.........but I'm so scared..........scared of what the traumas have done to my brain, scared I have little control over the rage, scared that I can't work, ..........now scared I'm going to lose the love of my life.

Just scared. And I must say........my heart is so wounded that people like this just sicken me, I actually wish they were dead. I gave her a huge discount becasue they were my neighbors and landlords and she treated me like that..........it is so disgusting.........I hate humans sometimes..........well.....most of the time I just hate humans. I know this is distorted thinking, but how much is a person supposed to take. I hate being crapped on and disrespected like that.......I just can't take anymore.
I'm OK today...........but I'm scared. Very scared.

Just getting it out I guess. It's all so very sad. So much loss.........so much loss in my life.
I want a 'do over.' Please God, can I get a 'do over.'

 

[pandora]

TLight I often wish for a do over or I pray that my next life will be like the friends I grew up with..that had somewhat normal lives and still can depend on their parents today...But then I reality check myself...I have to make the best of what I have..WE are the only ones that can make it more liveable and we have to be diligent and love ourselves enough to make our today the lives the best they can be.

 

[FlameTachiku]

TLight,

It is so hard to work when the stress is triggered like it is for you right now. I am also triggered as of today and it shows in my work and my choices. I like that you took time before you responded. But at times there is just not enough time to get it under control before we must act. It is just hard.

A thought came to mind reading your story. I am doing a job that I love with staff that is generally very supportive. But today, me tired and triggered, I could have quit. I was so frustrated with staff and their demands on and expectations of me. I felt angry and taken advantaged of because they needed something from me and I had to work an extra two hours to provide it for them. True I get paid but for now I have enough money and time is what matters. I am angry.

....and yet, today is not much different than other days. I am different, I am copeing with less success and skill. My boundaries were not solid today. I allowed this day to go poorly for me. Bad set up-with a poor outcome. Similar to what happen to you. Lesson to us both. As professionals we need to set it up so we are treated as professionals. It is easier to act professional when you are treated as such, with respect.

We can learn from our mistakes, right--and have better days. It is a bad episode and not an all or nothing. Your BF will be in for a surprise if he believes that with a job change you will not have more days like these. That is concerning.

Best of luck to you.

Flame

 

[TLight]

Thanks guys..........yes, my BF needs to come to a therapy session with me, or perhaps read some of these postings, especially Nicolette's last one on what to expect from a PTSD sufferer. He is aware since day one when we started dating that work might be a problem for me. I think it is best I find something where I'm pretty much alone all day and no one can f*ck with me............sounds like bliss to me.

I hate it that I'm left with this disorder. I know I'm managing better now, I know therapy has helped.......but I also know I'll always be scarred. The brain chemistry issues.........so hard and painful. He thinks I can just learn to override it and I agree, to a certain extent I can...........but not like 'normals'..........it will always be a struggle for me.

He is very masculine and wants me to come to him when I 'start' having the reaction. We talked about it again this morning.........he wants to fix and have nothing but happy times and me feeling good. I've explained to him how quickly I can go to that 'unstable' place and it is frightening to me...........frustrating too. I want to contribute financially, and I am with my disability pay, but I'm worth so much more with all my training............it is disheartening.

His mom is bipolar and he loves her to death and doesn't judge her a bit. He is very understanding of mental illness and compassionate. It is very healing for me after all the horrible people I let in my life who trashed me due to my illness. But he also believes this is curable, unlike bipolar. I, having the experience of feeling what my brain does, think that it is manageable but that I will always struggle with these things...........my brain was injured.

I asked tonight when he got home from work if he will dump me if I have another 'episode'............he said no, just that he wants to know what to do to pull me out of that space. He asked if he did OK. I said yes..........he asked what would have happened if he hadn't been here to help me........I said I would have layed in a fetal position for days on end contemplating suicide.........probably calling my therapist more quickly........or just wanting all this to end. I told him he helped me very effectively but he scared me with the 'this is hard for me.'............the abandonment stuff came up for me.

I asked him once, with the Fibro and the PTSD, why on earth he'd want to be with someone who is sick? He said there is so much more to me than that...........I understand, and I believe that.........I'm a wonderful gal........but it seems he could do so much better than me. He has a lot to offer. The guy is fabulous......kind, strong, attends to my needs (the first man I"ve ever had that does that!).........he really loves me.

I don't know........I hate that unstable feeling and I go there so quickly now, I don't have control over the biochemical thing happening in my brain. It is so scary..........I don't want to negatively affect him. I want to have a job, career where I'm safe.......I'm just stuck. I want to bring in an income so we can have our dreams come true of our cabin in eastern wa with the cows and horses..........I don't want to be a lame duck, just able to clean house and make dinners...........but that is what my therapist wants me to do 'for now.' That is what my best friend thinks I should do..........I think it contributes to my feeling of powerlessness.

But I guess I'll take there advice and do the 'for now' thing.........keep working on healing and dealing with the traumas..........so many. I'm terrified. terrified of what I might discover from all those horrible lost memories that have been toruturing me for years.........I don't want to know...........

I want a 'do over'.........

 

[TLight]

Yes Flame;
Set it up so we are treated as professionals. I remember an attorney I had.........he must have had stressed and venting clients and he just didn't deal with them, or said he'd send a bill for the phone time...............I wish it were that simple for me........

I just want to be respected. That b*tch really was out of line, greedy bad human who treats others poorly to get what she wants........I won in the end..........but the battle could have killed me.