Working Too Hard

[Reclusive]

Okay, so, since I left my 'real job' due to PTSD, every one in awhile I'll take on a freelance graphic design or website design gig. They typically don't last more than a couple days and they give me a little extra scratch to make it through the month. I don't usually accept them if I don't need the money, but I do this time as my cat is sick and so is my car.

Anyways, so I excepted this job, figured it'd be done in a week and I'd be good to go, but it's drug out for like 3 weeks. I'm getting worn down, I'm getting anxious, I'm spending all day in bed because I don't want to face my haven, the computer, and it's really frustrating. I mentioned it to my t and he said it was good that I was working and now I'm worried that when my disability review comes up they'll decide I can work because I take on these small gigs every one in awhile even though I'm quickly unraveling because this one is too intensive and is taking too long (not my fault, not my fault...). I don't know what to do about the job and I'm terrified of being taken off disability because of it and I was supposed to have my review in April and I didn't hear anything about it, so I'm scared I'm not even going to get my disability this month and my cat really needs to go to the vet and tomorrow is the day I check the mail and nothing good ever comes in the mail and I don't want to check it but I know I have to and obviously it has made me a rambling, raving lunatic. :(

 

[OKRADLAK]

I don't know what to do about the job and I'm terrified of being taken off disability because of it :(

Very scary indeed and infuriating. Why is it that when a sufferer of any malady takes a risk and tries and tries and tries they get punished?! The risk if often not even worth it.

I wish I had words of comfort- well- I can say that you are a wonderful person and whether you work or not, you are still a special soul who makes a lot of people smile. As far as work.......ugh.......evil system we live under.

 

[KP the nut]

(((reclusive)))

No words of wisdom either. Just lots of support.

Try not to worry about the mights and maybe, try and focus on the present and what you can control - this job.

Linking arms
KP

 

[Reclusive]

Ugh, I can't even control this job. Believe me, if I could, it'd be done by now. But the client keeps hemming and hawing about his logo, not sure what designs he likes, wants to try even more designs than the 6 I've created for him.... There's a reason I never went pro with the website/graphic design stuff. I don't do well with clients!

 

[AngelaMarie]

I feel for you, reclusive. I understand your statement about not dealing with people. They are especially hard to deal with when they can not make a decision. Hang in there, and good luck!

 

[Reclusive]

I'm trying. I've just had to stay away from it for the last two days. Barely getting out of bed because of it, and when I do it's for like an hour at 2:30 am. I NEED better coping skills or something... or to realize when I'm jumping in feet first instead of wading in like I thought I was doing.

 

[KP the nut]

Hang in Reclusive, you can do this, we are with you sending love and strength.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Reclusive]

I'm trying.... thanks, KP. (((HUGS)))

Oh, crap. I forgot to check the mail. Is there anything that I DON'T screw up? GEEZ.

 

[Lionheart]

"A flower is only capable of growing as fast as it can, any effort to speed the process weakens the flower from the strength it needs to gather to fully blossom on it's own." Just a little saying that helped me through when I was trying to work and literally could not stand up on my own two feet. It reminds me that I have to surrender to the growth process, (whether it be work or something else). I have to be gentle with myself because I need the chance to grow stronger on my own and at my own pace. I must surrender to the process so that a bloom may come to pass. I don't know, I hope something I have said here helps you out in some way. My best to you!!!!

 

[njray]

Reclusive,

It sux the rock and hard place. Even though I battle everyday in my head to do more my physical inury pain is my signal to not rush it. The Fd-up part as much it is my signal to sample the water before jumping in it is also is a huge trigger for me that brings back memories of the helpless feeling I had during my PTSD causing trauma event. Even though my event lasted only brief minutes it feels now like it was for hours. During these flashbacks I often feel all the sensations of exerting energy to survive in conjunction with the feelings of being helpless as he had the weapon and advantage during the first moments of fight for life .

Reclusive breathe and do what ever you need to do to create a better stronger place for you. Reaching out to T was a great thing and I hope you shared with him your concerns. Although it may be good you are working very P/t in a very controlled emvironment it sounds like you just may have simply taken to much on at this point. Is there any way being in the industry you are in you might be able to dish some of your responsibilities to others for a favor of repaying them back for like support and help should they need it in the future. Maybe you are in to the project deeply but I have to think there must be other peers you can reach to for some help in finishing up this project and then maybe you can re evaluate the types of projects you are going to take on in the future to supress this from happening again.

Crap what do I know about graphix design and marketing as I just used to be a business owner in some of the nichiest industries....... And guess what I faillled and suceeded and I am still breathing......barely

Hope this helps

 

[Reclusive]

I wish there was a way. All my techie friend code different languages than I and don't do web design at all. I don't know anyone else who even dabbled in it. I just need to get this project finished so I can rest. Today I got up and did the grocery shopping and tomorrow I have to take my sick kitty to the vet. There's just so much going on. On it's own this website thing would be breaking me down, but with other things, too...? And now my dad wants me to do a photoshoot for him and it's just too much. Too mcuh, too muhc, too much....

 

[11Degrees]

Hi Reclusive, I hear you on the "it's too much", my day is going like that too. I'm just going to get one task done at a time and see how long I can hang in there for. Be kind to yourself, HUG.