Worried About Another Member

[pandora]

i AM SORRY IF I POSTED IN THE WRONG PLACE. i THOUGHT..MAYBE SOMEONE KNEW AND i WAS WORRIED AND DIDN`T WANT TO PRIVATELY EMAIL AS YOU SAID NOT TO. OOPS...sorry...caps

i am sorry it ended up here....i really just was worried she... I know...my problem, not yours and I knew it was mothers day and I thought you were just so sad lately. Sorry......someone called you and you had to go to the er..........I hope things get better soon. It I have done things, anything to offend you...I am sooosorry.
pandora

 

[Nicolette]

I also want the answers to my question as to WHY this thread was even allowed, so I am pushing the alarm button myself to make sure that Anthony sees this and I am given an explanation..

May I point out that no name was used so until all the "personal" arguments came into this thread people like myself, who have no access to the PTSD Members Diaries, would have been left with speculation.

Secondly, the thread became somewhat interesting talking about dealing with someone who was suicidal which I found beneficial.

It only became about you (Wendy) to others when you put your name on it. I do however appreciate the consequence of what others actions have caused you and for that I am sorry.

 

[anthony]

Wendy, the post as an administrative aspect was fine, as Nicolette mentioned above, it had no names. You as the person in question obviously only named yourself... all other members kept names out of the equation and it was a discussion, not just specific to you. It was a question about a member, obviously yourself now you outed yourself, though turned to a general discussion. You are the only person who released your own private details to the public, no other member. So from an editorial point of view, the thread is just fine and as you outed yourself, you are entitled to do that... providing no other member does so.

Wendy, I agree with you and I did try and tell other members to stay out of it, however; this is also what happens when members go against the exact advice given of this forum in the first place... being to not change things off the forum so they are so personal and that now others interfere in your life, instead of respecting your own adult boundaries. You have every right to be pissed if you asked me... though again, from an editorial viewpoint, the thread is secure and fine until you outed yourself. For those few who knew who it was in question, none mentioned your name publicly, only privately.

Maybe people may learn from this and stay out of others personal lives, even when they are talking about wanting to die... It is healthy to talk about suicidal ideation, wanting to die, etc... when you feel that way. It is not healthy to interfere in anothers life when that person is still making decisions for themselves and at the end of the day, only they can decide whether they want to come out of the misery or not.

 

[Nicolette]

I did want to say that when I first read this thread I sent a PM to Pandora (as I didn't want to share my thoughts publicly at that point) and told Anthony.

Personally, I felt that everyone should leave you alone Wendy as asked and I told Pandora that my thoughts were she should respect the wishes of the person (as I did not know it was you).

My belief is that if someone wants to kill themselves they will do so no matter what as I have seen it first hand so its best not to get involved in a situation with a cyber friend. A lot of what Tammy said made sense. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was someone close to me, well, I guess that may change my actions and emotions may overrule all manner of logic.

It sounds like what started out as good intentions has turned into somewhat of a mess. My place is not to judge the actions of others but like Anthony has said, there is something to learn out of this situation.

For future, the words (not verbatim as from memory) which Tammy said will stay in my mind..... in that if someone wants to kill themselves they will. So, other than getting them professional help, it is best to stay at arms length so you don't end up with the guilt if they do end their life. Well, that's what I thought Tammy was trying to say.:rolleyes:

 

[Deleted member 541]

Anthony & Nicolette,

Thanks for the explanation, I appreciate it. I was under the assumption that ANY and ALL info in the PTSD only area was OFF LIMITS and not to be taken out of there. Whether a name was used or not.

I still feel very violated and very unsure of ever posting anything I consider private in my diary for fear that it would be used against me. Not a very pleasant thought.

You're right Anthony.....People should just mind their own business. There are things that I know about member here, and I am sure that they wouldn't want it put out there for the public to know. Some people are just way to immature to understand boundaries. This is so unfortunate, because I was under the impression that this board was all about boundaries. I guess I was wrong.

Thanks again Anthony.....

 

[nic]

Quote from She Cat:
"There are things that I know about member here, and I am sure that they wouldn't want it put out there for the public to know."

Um...trying to get someone help during a crisis and telling the world about someone's personal history with the intent to be malicious are two very different things. While I hope you have no plans to do that, Wendy, just the fact that you made this statement deeply troubles me.

And as for eveyone else, you all do not know what was said, and when, so I would ask that you not comment on this particular situation which is between me and Wendy. Thank you.

 

[Lisa]

Wendy,

I'm sorry that this has all happened.

This forum is about helping ourselves and others if we can, and boundaries are in place... but whether someone respects boundaries is another matter.

I didn't comment on this thread... I didn't know who was being talked about and I didn't try to find out by reading any diaries either.

Personally, I am of the opinion that it is bad enough when professionals interefere as they do when it comes to suicidal ideation - though I understand why professionals have to act. I personally have the opinion that if I tried to save every person who suggested they were going to commit suicide - I would be donig it constantly. I don't see it as within my remit or responsibility to stop a person from committing suicide - a person chooses to commit suicide - their choice. I'd try to talk them round, but as long as it wasn't in front of my own eyes, if a person wants to commit suicide, they will do it if they want to whether I try to stop them or not. A persons suicide is their choice and responsibility and I take the view that it's unfair on myself if I took that as my responsibility to stop a person - because as I said... someone who wants to, simply will regardless. I also think it's a person's right anyway, but that's just my personal opinion.

However, I do want to say that I can also understand how friends and people who care about you and feel it would be their duty to act if they felt your life was in danger (even though I personally don't take that position). I can understand that not everyone agrees on the issues of whether or not someone should act when they think someone's life is in danger, even if they have misread the situation and made a mistake. To a person who maybe beleives that if a person is going to end their life they should act to protect that life, I can see that the action (whether that's respectful or not depends on where you sit with the issue) was out of care and not malice.

I know that doesn't change what happened, or the betrayal and violation you feel... and I know saying this ignores all that... but what has happened is you have become friendly and confided in someone who takes a different position on an aspect of the suicide debate, and they have stood by their convictions. Standing by their convictions has meant they have had to violate and disrespect yours. It's one of those bad situations where a person can't respect both sides,unfortunately... But it's one of those situations where... this person felt they had to make a decision because they perhaps misread your feelings for intent to act. I can understand why you are angry, and I think you do have a right to be...

I don't know why I'm butting in or what I'm trying to achieve here... I guess I'm just giving my opinion and also playing devil's advocate. Might be unwanted, and I'm sorry if it is.

Despite Anthony and Nicolette trying to keep boundaries on the forum kept... whether boundaries are broken off forum is not something within their control. Unfortunately that caused you a lot of trouble, particularly since you say your feelings were misinterpreted as "I am going to kill myself" as opposed to "I feel like killing myself". That person made a mistake... but they made it out of genuine care. Their position on this issue means they feel they can't apologise for that. Though perhaps an apology could have been made for the mistaken belief that you were going to kill yourself... but that's between you two, i'm just giving an outside opinion here.

At the same time... if you are going to have private or otherwise conversations about suicide... you're always going to have to make it absolutely clear that you're not going to act on it to someone who would try to stop you... egh, that sounds patronising doesn't it? Sorry. I'll leave it in and hope you see what I mean...

Anyway... I'm sorry this all happened, and wanted to say I understand why your angry.

And, despite the fact that I wouldn't have acted in that way and disagree with how Nic sees things, I'm also sorry for her, because she made a mistake, but I believe it was made out of care.

 

[Cecilia]

My opinion which is worth nothing.

She Cat has over 2,000 posts on this forum. She has always been very honest and frank with her responses and I like that. I'm sure she knows a lot about all of us on this forum.

Nic, do not personalize what She Cat said. She Cat is feeling vulnerable and has lost trust in the forum. That does not mean that she is going to "out" things about you. But Nic, even if she did, do you really thing it would be that awful?

Most of us have shared our lives on this forum...even the ugly parts of our lives. If something is said we have no reason to judge you. It is better to face it, own it and not hide it. I understand there may be things you are working out in therapy that you have not brought to the forum and yes, you do have a right to your privacy; but do not be scared of someone finding out something.

That really makes you sicker. I lived in denial and lying for over 15 years and when the secret was revealed, I survived.

Take care of yourself. You cannot control what others do or how they react. Just be prepared to face what comes the best you can.

I wish the best for both of you!

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi She Cat,
Here I go again with my 2 cents eh. I think it was very easy to figure out who you were from the posts. Although, I did not know for certain and I would imagine you should know from experience that boundaries are going to get violated on the forum, because we all are human, and here to learn.

I think forgiveness is important when a person makes a mistake, especially if it was because they care about you. There are a lot of people who have no one to care about them, and I doubt anyone would even notice they were gone if they did die. Maybe you should consider that for a moment before starting a war with your friend who happens to care about you.

If one of my family members was going to commit suicide I would call the police out of fear. However, I might stop them one time, but the next time I will let them do it, as hard as it would be. So my advice was based on internet friendships, but I've learned to keep my distance, and some people are still working on this.

Death is a very scary issue for the majority of people and the post worried me, but I thought it was good that someone brought it up, and we all learned form it, unfortunately it was at your expense (I am sorry for that). I hope you can rise above this misfortune and see it as a learning experience instead of staying stuck in this anger that will only cause you further grief.

I imagine nic and Rachel were very scared because they apparently have a relationship with you. I hope you can let this go and forgive them and they can learn from their mistakes. So what I'm asking is to just let this ride for awhile and try and calm down a bit. When your calm you will be able to think clearer and not end a relationship that, from what I can tell, is a genuine one.

Good luck.

P.S. Nicolette you are correct about my response. Guilt will take over if one gets to close, and the person decides to end their life. Some how we tend to think we could have done something different or better, and blame ourselves. That is one more issue none of us need.

Tammy

 

[nic]

Cecilia,

I think the thing She Cat was talking about is something that, while I am not ashamed of, would be something that would be putting my job at risk...which is exactly why I did not share this piece of information with the rest of the forum.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I really appreciate everyones input (well almost everyones input) on this thread. I also appreciate that most of you understand the aspects of boundaries, and can even grasp at the thought of how much pain and suffering a person goes through with thoughts of suicide. The ONLY thing keeping me here.........Is the thought that possibly I will have a chance to see my grandchildren as one of them is almost 18. That is the only hope that I have left in this world. So I am trying to cling to that hope, as small as it is.

Nic,

I find it very interesting that you have a guilty conscience, and assumed that I was even talking about you. I will be honest. I was, but that wasn't what I was even thinking about. Put your mind at rest. I would NEVER VIOLATE your privacy. Although I will say it gave me great pleasure to see you sweat some.

 

[linasmom]

I really think that this thread is now causing more harm than good. Anthony, I do not want to use my moderator abilities to lock this thread because I think that would cross the line, but I ask that it be done by you.

Again, I am from the deepest parts of my heart, so sorry for what has taken place here and accept all the responsibility for my role in all of this. I will not offer up excuses for my actions and I have learned a hard lesson.