Worried About Returning To Work

[Brokensoul88]

Tommorow my sick note expires & I'm due back in work. I've had 3 1/2 months off work after repressed memories returned from being raped 6 years ago. It has been such a traumatic time discovering & confirming the extent of my attack and the flashbacks have been unbearable. After all this time I have only just been able to access the right type of help but I've only had 2 therapy sessions & haven't got to the talking about it part. My flashbacks are so hard to control, I'm rubbish at grounding and I'm sick of walking around thinking is he like that guy was? Or him? I've been triggered when I walked through a big crowd and someone hit me it the back pushing through the crowds, I totally lost it & when I came to I was standing at a crossing with no memory of getting there. What if I'm like that in work?

 

[littlelostchild]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Two things, can you get an extension on your leave since you are now getting the therapy you need? I see that as a viable option as it has taken you time to get referrals and you are just beginning to learn strategies to use to cope in various situations.

If not, can your work be modified so that you can a) do it from home, b) do it with very limited exposure to others, etc. whatever makes you feel safer. If you can't feel safe and function, then you need an extension of your sick leave (IMHO)

Be gentle with yourself.

LLC

 

[Brokensoul88]

Thank you @littlelostchild for the response I can get an extension however I have had to move back in with my parents and I haven't told them I'm off sick for fear of them discovering why. They are suspicious that I'm spending so much time "working from home" when I'm not really. My T said I am carrying too much burden keeping things from everyone but my only choice to avoid them finding out is going back to work.

My work is within a massive office of people coming & going. It's been agreed I can move desks to have my back to a window so I can see everything & everyone. I wish I could pull myself together & just get on with it

 

[Hashi]

Hi Brokensoul88,

I would have suggested the same as @littlelostchild about having more time off work, but I understand you not wanting your parents to know.

As such I think you need to do two things -

a) Really work on grounding and stability. I think this needs to be a priority and you need to be disciplined about finding out about it and practising skills. This isn't pulling yourself together (which is a bit too much like self-criticism), but recognising that you have a big challenge and need skills to meet it.

I don't know what sort of therapy you're having but I wouldn't expect all of this to come from a therapist anyway. There are lots of resources here on the site (if you search on threads with "grounding" in the title) and elsewhere, and in the end it's down to us practising until the techniques become routine.

I would stress that it's not just things in reaction to being distressed, but also skills to use all the time to stay more stable. For example, regularly practising techniques that reinforce a feeling of groundedness (like consciously feeling your feet on the ground or orientating yourself in the present). Also, regular self-care techniques like deep breathing and relaxation exercises.

You say you're rubbish at grounding, but no-one is good at it until they've worked at it for a while. It's like building muscle/fitness/stamina at the gym - you need to just make a start, find out what to do and then keep working at it consistently.

b) You can ask for additional accommodations at work if you need them. Moving desks sounds good. You might also want to see if there are other things that would help.

I'm in the UK too. When I first recovered memories and started therapy I arranged for things like coming in late the morning after therapy because it was hard to get to sleep after, being able to take time out during the day and go into an empty meeting room or walk around outside to practise deep breathing and self-soothing, and other things. I made up the time by working longer hours at other times (which was also when the office was quieter). Only my line manager knew I had PTSD and he didn't know why. My colleagues just knew I "wasn't well" and was having to have some treatment that made me tired. I hinted that it was related to headaches, dizziness and back problems and this was accepted.

Good luck.

 

[Springer80]

Hi, What are your worries about telling your parents?

 

[Brokensoul88]

@Hashi thank you do much that's really helpful. Got a call from my dr an hour ago, been waiting all day anxiously. Going back to work tomorrow with an open mind, & no expectations.

@Springer80 I don't want them to know because none of my family knows I was raped or thy I have PTSD. I spend the times that I'm with them pretending everything is fine. I will never be able to tell them it would hurt them too much & make it too hard to live together

 

[The Albatross]

Any way to affirm the progress you have made in the last 3 months before you go in? Rather than focusing what suck at, I seem to be "more" that way. Some anticipatory stress is normal... what can you do to buck up and do your best tomorrow?

 

[Notsowild]

@Brokensoul88... I understand your dilemma all too well. I was off work for 3 months due to PTSD and an abusive boss. By the time I got to see a psychiatrist and trauma therapist it was 2 months in. I had a couple of appointments before I was heading back to work. It was so frightening. But I did get accommodations through HR and my work though. It made it a little easier to go back. Do you have anything like that in your country?
Good luck on your return and remember to breath.

 

[Suzetig]

I too feel your pain, going back to work earlier this year was one of the hardest things I've done. Your manager should hav a "return to work" meeting with you talk through the support you need. You've been off for a while so some kind of phased return - where you build up your hours and responsibilities - would be reasonable. Could you tell your parents you're involved in a particular project that allows your more flexibility than usual to account for a phased return.

Think about things that will help you generally keep calmer. Self care and grounding strategies are great but you need to use them all the time, not just when you're triggered so your body and mind get used to calming down when you do whatever. My therapist described it as kind of creating an "anti trigger" to head off anxiety, flashbacks etc. you do need to practise.

I found it helpful to have a list of things that I tried to do every day or a couple of times a day whether I needed to or not. Things like reading one chapter of a book for pleasure (I couldn't concentrate for more than one chapter), listening to a song that I knew would lift my spirits, keeping nicely scented hand cream at my desk andesite when I felt I needed soothed, daily journalling, daily fresh air etc as well as breathing exercises and other grounding techniques.

Think about the things that will help you cope, eg arriving at the offic before it gets busy, more frequent breaks etc and ask for these at your return to work meeting. Accept that you'll be working at a slower pace for a while. Inthe UK you're entitled to e supported at return to work meetings so if you have a union rep or supportive colleague (who you don't mind knowing you have health concerns) think about whether they might go with you. It's really hard, hold on to how well you're doing in just thinking about going back.

 

[anthony]

Secrets have a way of working there way out, and usually with consequences... especially having PTSD. Be honest with your parents for starters, atleast the bare minimalist information so they can understand without you lying to them, and then concentrate on getting yourself better.

Work with stress, combined with lies, will just see you go round and round the cycle of symptoms, never really lessening them or breaking out off.

 

[Brokensoul88]

@Notsowild thank you for the suggestions I have a phased return now set up.

@Suzetig there are so many good suggestions there. I particularly like the scented hand cream idea. I have just the thing!

Thank you all for you amazing support, I'm so grateful.