Worried Over Tomorrow's Session

[Naoru]

You did amazing, @Bristol1485! Try to keep any shame demons at bay and let pride take over. You were brave and took a big step today - not a "partial" win at all, a complete win. You did what you felt was safe.

As @Rumors suggested, feel free to post here over the next week as your emotions might run amuck. I wish I had in the past!

 

[Bristol]

Have woken up this morning feeling rubbish. Husband didnt finish work til 11pm last night so i had 4 hours at home with nothing but thoughts for company. Ended up drinking and self harming. Feeling low this morning. I know realistically that i did what i had to do but the secret felt safe when only i knew it, now i have to trust someone else with it. Now i have the decision as to whether i want to talk about it next week or not and i cant even think about it and stay present so the next session is worrying me. Im just very aware how alone i am in this (this forum aside) i had no one last night to call or no one that was like waiting at home with some soup and a blanket to tuck me up in, i had to decide how to look after myself and i never make the best decisions on that front. Couldnt even let my husband hug me this morning so its going to be a rubbish day for me :unsure: i just hope it ends up being worth it in the end

 

[Bristol]

urgh still not managing to feel sane again, starting to feel like it was a massive mistake letting that secret go, if i hadnt i might have felt a bit more balanced but im struggling to hold it together, maybe i shouldnt be seeing a T at all. I thought it would be all flashbacks but instead my mind seems to be afraid it is going to forget that one particular memory and wont stop playing it over and over again trying to analyse every detail in case there is something i have forgotten, some life changing detail but i dont want to keep going over it, who wants to keep going over that all the time, esspeically when it is so linked to my fear surrounding our struggles to have a baby, just feel like my mind is punishing me.

 

[Lilith Jane]

Bristol, I'm really proud of you for your courage. You chose to make a big change, letting someone into your vulnerability, and it sounds like your brain is struggling to adjust to that change. I'm sorry the aftereffects are so bumpy, but I really believe that you made the right decision, and I hope that in time you will see it as a step toward healing. You opened up something dark and painful, and it's scary but it can let the light in. Sending hugs for you today if you accept.

 

[Bristol]

@Lilith Jane thanks for taking the time to reply. Its going really bumpy, im struggling to know what to do with myself today, i dont have an appointment with my T until Thursday which seems both to soon and too far away! I must be crazy

 

[Rumors]

You aren't crazy!! I do the same thing! Even to this day I try and put all the details together. I worry over telling my therapist and believe that at anytime my T will tell me to bug off. I am ashamed about what happened. It makes me feel less of a person. Very dirty, inept, unworthy of love.... Please know that how you feel right now is something that many of us have felt before. Although we may not have the same experiences, your story resonates. Sending you loads of strength...

 

[Naoru]

Nope, you are not crazy! You are brave and strong for taking the step you did and for continuing on. Boy, is it difficult! You are not alone in how you're feeling now. In fact, I am arguing with myself over canceling my appointment tomorrow ... but as a wise soul once told me, these are likely the times we need to go the most. Hang in there and take some heavy doses of self-compassion. :) We're here.

 

[Bristol]

@Rumors thank you for replying im so glad you said about always thinking your T is going to tell you to bug off, this is a constant fear for me too just glad to know im not the only one!

@Naoru thanks for replying, dont cancel your appointment they are important its just a shame they are such hard work!

My husband is going away with work later, not looking forward to 4 days alone

 

[Bristol]

Starting to worry now about Thursday's session which will be the first one since i left her with that memory.

Its probably far too early to be freaking out over it but i can't help it. My biggest decision is whether i want to talk about it or not. She said she wouldnt mention it so the ball is in my court. Part of me wants to talk about it, feels like i should but i know full well i dont have any of the words to do that and will just close down and my brain will scream at my mouth to speak and my mouth wont move. Is it a good thing to force my way through that? Or at least try? I feel like the only way im going to get past this all is finding the words but i really struggle with it. Any input would be great cause i am just going to work myself up over this in the next 48 hours

 

[NightSky]

I think what I would do is email my T and tell her I know I won't be able to get the words out and need her help. I've had to do that recently after so many months of avoidance. I told her to push me a little because left on my own I'll avoid forever. I recognize I need to talk even though in the moment I can't. You can ask her to bring it up. That's probably all you need to get started. Tell her how scared you are (she already knows. But it will help to reiterate it maybe for your sake). And then you can trust her to do her job. If it gets to be too much, you can change the subject. But at least you won't walk away frustrated that you couldn't speak.

 

[Lilith Jane]

@NightSky, that sounds great to me!

@Bristol1485, are you able to pinpoint why you are so stressed by the fact that she has this information now?

I think if you are able to talk about it, then that would be great, but please don't "force" yourself. Go easy - you've gone through some struggles since you disclosed and maybe it's time for some self-compassion! Try to observe how your body is reacting, both now and during your session. I wonder if maybe just showing up and knowing that she knows will be an act of healing for you!

 

[Bristol]

@NightSky thanks for that suggestion, i could try that, like you say you can only avoid all this for so long at some point you have to hit it head on i suppose.

@Lilith Jane thanks for your suggestion to, it feels like a challenge and the only way to deal with it is the fight it but then like you say i have had a rough week after just letting her in on that one small memory so maybe i need to celebrate that small victory instead of constantly pushing for more.

Its so hard to know which way to go but im sick of walking out of my sessions frustrated that i couldnt say a single word i just dont know how to get the words out