Worried Over Tomorrow's Session

[NightSky]

@NightSky thanks for that suggestion, i could try that, like you say you can onl...

You can celebrate the NOT small victory of letting her in AND ask for her help in talking. In my experience, when I'm suffering from a vulnerability hangover from letting my T in (usually through email) that's when I need to follow up with talking in perso, so it doesn't feel like this huge open wound with no closure. If I were you and I didn't address it at least a little bit, it would be hard to come out of feeling vulnerable and exposed. The only way out of that for me is experiencing my T address it with me in person. And it's such a slow process. It doesn't mean you have to dive into everything deeply. It can mean just broaching the subject and learning to stay present and accept validation and start hearing a voice of encouragement instead of your own voice of criticism.

 

[Bristol]

@NightSky your right in that it does feel like an open wound, i struggle to look her in the eye at the best of times and im dreading seeing her Thursday because i know she knows but i didnt see her face when she found out i suppose. Even if i can answer a few basic questions i will probably feel better and its got to be better doing it there with her than stressing and disassociating over it at home while i practise trying to talk about it

 

[Bristol]

The more i think about this the more i have no idea, in the last 20 minutes alone i have gone from 'i can do this, i'm stronger than this' now im back down to feeling small, vulnerable and scared. Hopefully ill get some clarity before Thursday.

 

[NightSky]

The more i think about this the more i have no idea, in the last 20 minutes alone i have gone from...

I feel like that's just normal part of the process. Whenever I email my T something I've been afraid to say I go crazy on myself feeling like I made a mistake, fearing she's mad at me, feeling so insecure, not sleeping because it puts me back in a place of feeling young and vulnerable..it's an absolutely never ending cycle until I talk about it. I suspect you also might go through that process. And the sessions I've gone in the most afraid have been the most healing because I've been the most vulnerable.

 

[Bristol]

I went for it and sent her a message asking her to ask me about it cause its been stressing me out, even more nervous now but like you say maybe this will be the first decent session i have managed to have because im not hiding from it anymore

 

[NightSky]

I went for it and sent her a message asking her to ask me about it cause its been stressing me out,...

That's good!! Although you're nervous, keep reminding yourself what a brave step you took and how this will move you forward. Keep us posted after your session!

 

[Bristol]

Well i survived it! Which i wasnt sure i was going to, she asked lots of questions some of which were tough but she kept saying how awful it was, how horrific that must have been etc so i dont think she minimised any of it. I was surprised by some of the stuff i said, i didnt realise i blame myself for it but it would appear i do. Just really hard to come home to my husband who has no idea and be normal. I feel like i need to sort of sit with it for a bit i suppose. Not sure still feel completely numb but she said that would take time to overcome, think there is a long road ahead but at least i feel like im on it now. Couldnt do it without all the support on here :hug:

 

[NightSky]

Well i survived it! Which i wasnt sure i was going to, she asked lots of questions some of which we...

I know exactly how you feel with the coming home and having to act normal. It's so draining. Someday I envision coming home and being able to debrief with my husband. But not yet. I'm glad you were heard and validated. I hope that in time the lie that you are to blame is replaced by a voice of self compassion. Well done!

 

[Rumors]

So very proud of you @Bristol1485.... Incredible work you have done for yourself.

 

[Bristol]

@NightSky totally agree on wanting to debrief with husband, he asked me what i did this evening, i had to lie despite wanting him to know more than anything.

@Rumors thank you and thanks for all your encouraging messages :)

 

[Lilith Jane]

@Bristol1485 Fantastic job on being able to talk more openly with your T!!!!! Seriously, that's an amazing step of progress, and I'm so glad you were able to take it. That took a lot of courage, and I hope your day today is good and you don't have too bad of a vulnerability hangover. :-)

When I see people making positive steps forward, it encourages me in my own journey of healing, so you've put a smile in my day! :-)

It's definitely exhausting to have to pretend to be okay . . . :-( I hope some day in the future you also will be able to share with your husband so he can also support you through this journey you're on!

 

[Bristol]

@Lilith Jane thank you for your message and for naming how i have been feeling today, i thought i was just being a wimp but vulnerability hangover is exactly what it feels like so thank you for that i have been trying to describe my emotion to myself all day and couldnt find any words for it!