FMG,
I like you almost feel more comfortable in those situations (man run over by your bus). I've spent 17 years chasing situations that keep the dreams away because those situations are bigger than the dreams in my head. I'm now in a role that keeps me away from patients and the dreams are coming back. Im lost at the moment I have no direction and that scares me.
I found medical school. Well they found me really. Its the whole training, when everyone else is losing their heads and screaming you know you can be incredibly calm and make decisions so I actually enjoyed "hiding" (as I liked to call it) here from reality since my reality should be a structured career and a family and what not. Medical school's work kept me sane while I sorted out my life. As you may have seen my main issue is an unfortunate relationship based on mutual angst that I cannot seem to break off or worse don't want to break off because to me the enablement was "sure you can do that! Go do it! Be happy! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!" rather than "Oh woe betide me. Forsooth, the world is most bleak and my scars hurt so badly. Fetch me my laudanum!"
They didn't mind the PTSD. Infact they checked and asked what my triggers were and were pleased it was just anything that goes bang or pop. I have had some bad attacks such as on new year's day when I got caught outside during a firework display. People thought it was hilarious that I dove into a bush in a park, but I am glad my friends were there. None of them served but they knew it was bad so two of them just picked me up and got me home. I was incredibly proud of them when I started talking. They gave up a night out for me. And the best part was they had the decency to say "nah, if you were hiding in bushes then who would cook us food when we got drunk" rather than "its alright, I understand" (that phrase makes me want to say "Oh really?")
But I have few friends. Mainly because of things like two weeks ago. I trusted some people I worked with and taught in India. I thought maybe even try a relationship and see how it goes rather than pining for the lady mentioned in the relationships thread. So 2 weeks ago these individuals stop talking to me. I didn't know why and I find out that they are angry because I lied to them. I told them I was a trained paramedic (not entirely false) rather than was a field medic for the army. I didn't mention to them anything but they had some inkling of something traumatic. I kind of lied about my work because I didn't want them to know. I even wore full sleeves around them (My right arm is covered in scars from the elbow upwards) so they would not figure out that I had some bad scars.
My erstwhile girlfriend was spying on my emails. I would often write a letter if I had any issues to the therapist. To her I was mad. That I was mentally abnormal.
The worst bit is I couldn't get angry. All that I could hear in my head is was just my brain telling me that this is why i can never be normal, this is why I should not trust people. My paranoia was full fledged for the past 2 weeks. I had the weirdest ideas and it was just an exercise in self control to not completely lose it. I lied to have a normal life and instead now people I considered as friends treated me like I was mental. Even after I sat down and explained to them what PTSD was.
The biggest killer was that the girl I was dating was an american. She didn't know the disease that her own veterans were suffering from because she did not care. So two weeks of deep intense paranoia later I am vaguely back on top of things.
Still want to make them suffer though. And I suppose that will go away with time.
