Poll Would You Want To Know?

[Deleted member 12723]

safenow you did not trigger me. Emdr is a form of therapy where she taps on my hands with a small rod and helps me to retrieve feelings I had at the time. She also helps me to retrieve thoughts as well. I get an adult perspective and the memory does not haunt me anymore. I am free of it. It has worked wonders for me. I have to wait two months to do it again. It is my hospitals policy to do that. Hope this helps.

Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate them very much.

 

[Changing4Best]

I answered "Not Sure" because I have suspected for a LONG time that my father's brother is actually my biological father, but my daddy is my daddy and always will be! I don't care in a sense if someone else fathered me. Who raised me is what matters most.

 

[safenow]

Sheila, I love your answer.

Who raised me is what matters most.

I pray my daughter feels that same way. I gave her the best parents I could find. It is my humble prayer and wishes that she was raised safely and never had problems after she was adopted. At least not evil problems.

 

[Britt.f7]

Safenow, I answered that I would want to know. If she knows that she was with you until you got cancer, this may reinforce that you didn't hate her. That you wanted her to have a better life. I think, before wanting to know who her father is, she will want to know why you didn't keep her. If she starts with who her father is, it is alright to tell her the truth, and that truth includes how much you loved her the minute you saw her little red head. You don't have too tell her the gruesome truth of her conception. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

If she does come to you it is because she wants to know the truth. You are remembering her as the child she was and not the adult she has become. When she was that young child, I don't think I would have told her the truth then. Other then I didn't know who her father was. Remember it was your cancer that caused you to give her up. That is what you focus on.

So, yes, I would want to know despite how hard it may be to hear. I would rather hear the truth from a parent then to find out the truth through someone else.

My heart goes out to you to even have gone through all you have gone through.

 

[Hashi]

I'd rather not know. I'd rather be told a lie or misled to believe something else.

I understand that you don't want to lie. In that case, I'd prefer that my mother simply said my father isn't in her life and she wasn't going to tell me anything about him. Of course, I wouldn't like this at all, and I might speculate about all sorts of things. But I'd rather not know for sure. Really, though, I'd much prefer a lie.

I don't know how useful it is to say that, though, because I'm speaking as someone who's never bonded with family and has dissociation and denial as coping methods. I'm probably completely unrepresentative in that I don't have a conflict of wanting to know the truth even if that's difficult.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My mother has claimed on one occasion that my father used to sexually abuse her. I have no idea if that is true but for all I know I may be the product of a rape. I do know that I was a product of a abusive and very very unhappy marriage.

I got pregnant with my rapists baby. I miscarried at only about 2 month or so. But at first I really really hated that baby. I hated the fact that he got me pregnant and hated the fact that it is growing inside me. I wanted to kill it. I tired to hurt myself so I would miscarry. After a few weeks I starting loving my unborn child. And was hurt when I miscarried. But I really believe that was the best for everyone.

Would I want to know if I was? Yeah, probably. But I am unsure if my child had lived if I had told that child. I guess it would depend on where I was in my life. If I was still with my rapist that would change if I would have told that child. If I was away from him and successful or in college and a sense of confidence I probably would have told that child.

A lot of "What-if's".

 

[Britt.f7]

I was just thinking, as I see a couple parent's have told their children inappropriate things for their ages. It's one thing to tell your child who is an adult, and that can be difficult enough for them. It's another to tell your child as a child and have them live with that. How did they expect these children would grow without issues? It makes me angry to know that these parents confided in these children in an inappropriate way. I'm sorry for all of you that had to endure that.

Safenow, the other issue is, what has she been told so far? What do the adoptive parents know? Is it possible she could find out the truth from someone else? Just remember, you are not the bad guy. You did what you needed to do to provide your child with a better life. I wish all parents were able to do that.

 

[Abstract]

I think if the chances were high of her finding out from someone else then it would possibly be better to tell her yourself. But if not and if there is no need for her to know then for me I would not want to know.

I agree that a child knowing is more damaging but think an adult finding out could also be very upsetting. Adopted children sometimes fantasise about their father and mother too. If she comes looking she will be needing to fill in the gaps and have a need to know where she comes from. That means there will be some level of insecurity there.

Most importantly I would imagine it would be essential to believe that you her mother loved and love her. For someone who has newly found out that she is a product of a rape that might be hard to do. It may be hard to convince her.

Mostly I imagine that a huge amount of this will depend on your daughter and who she is and what is important to her. We are all so different and latch onto different things as we grow up. We have different values and different priorities. I have no doubt that if or when the time comes you will know what feels right and what she most needs. You seem like an intuitive person to me and I think your intuition will guide you and tell you what is best for her.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is so hard to know what to do as a parent. I know I made mistakes. I am grateful that my daughter is doing so well for what she has been through herself. I wish you the best. I like what Abstract had to say. Hugs.

 

[Anna]

Personally, and this is only my personal view. I would not want to know as it would cause me to self destruct if I found out that I was a product of rape or incest.

 

[Jlso111187]

I have the hard task of making the decision on to tell or not tell my oldest son. I know if I do I would make sure to tell him that it doesnt mean I love him any less. But yet how would that make him feel? and if I dont tell him and he finds out will he be mad?

 

[safenow]

It's really a tough decision, isn't it. What type of boy/man is your son? I believe that can help you make your decision a bit easier. Is it a medical reason you need to tell him? Are you anxious that others might tell him, or are you and the father the only ones who know what really happened? I finally decided if my daughter should ever find me to not tell her.

As you can see, I got all sorts of responses to this question. Bless your heart. I feel for you. Safe hugs if you will allow them. My logic behind not telling her was this: I was lucky in that a kind man who was the son of my next door neighbor married me and gave her a last name, so I could give her his name as her father. He was and is a good man and I know he would tell her about why we separated, and nothing about how she was conceived.

Your son might be angry, but that is not a reason to not tell him. For me, the question would be, would he think less of himself if he knew?

Good luck.