Wow, How Many Years Have I Been Gone?

[Jadie Rose]

Shankara helped save my life the first post I'd ever placed here, I must first thank her for that (I hope you don't mind)! Seeing she started a diary, I'd never even known what this thread was about before, I am starting one today. I have just been curled up in bed for few days now, feeling nauseous and so very afraid. Can't share it all yet, it's still too devastating to believe it's actually real...living on the surface has been my survival mode for who knows how long. Just truly getting to know myself...but do I really want to? DO I have the courage to do any of this? Life should not be about feeling ill all the time, unable to get out from under the warm covers and have lost so many throughout the years one cannot even count anymore.

A mind consumed with pain and lost in a spiral of nowhere to go. Lonely. Afraid. The raindrops in what most here call America's finest city bring a forgotten soul into the forefront, standing directly underneath the falling rain, wishing those were her own tears falling down her face and not just rain falling from nowhere-land. Empty and somewhat hollow inside, listening to the sounds of sprinkles slowly falling from the trees outside - she misses that so-called peace and serenity she at least "thought" she had before. Help..help..help..she cried out to so many MDs these past couple years, but nobody heard her. Closed minds surrounded her for two years, educated from books and their own experiences, she was just thought of as crazy BPD patient. Somehow, some way, her brain had shed light to her something was seriously wrong and she was all alone in figuring that out, but she never could tell what her brain was trying to tell her. Alone, listless, breakfast table in an empty room...the only solace to be gotten was through the words of writers she so admired. Feeling alone didn't seem so bad then. Black was her favorite song, not for the words, so much, but the only the title and music.

Thunder, lightning, the storm won't quit. Whirlwhinds of branches blown and flying around in fast circular motions, getting faster and faster as time goes on. This is exactly what she felt inside, but no words could come out to explain any of it, anymore. She could only see the branches blown away, until she could no longer see them as the wind continued blowing them down to the other block ahead. Out of sight and out of mind, her view was now gone and wiped away by the storm surrounding her. As she stood there with not a care in the world, her arms reached up and out, accepting the deep hard wet raindrops falling upon her as if she were hugging them. If only it were her own raindrops falling from her eyes. She will take any feeling she can get, at this point, on or around her face.

 

[Jadie Rose]

**NOTE: Sorry, cannot pay attention to detail and multi-task - did not mean all BPD diagnoses make anyone crazy...what I was trying to say is all MDs recognized "her" as crazy. Just had to clear that possible confusion up! Wish I could edit the original now :(

 

[Jadie Rose]

Part of me feels like I should explain now, I don't know what is wrong or right for me to do anymore. I had many musculoskeletal surgeries past couple years and seen about dozen MDs and more than a dozen therapists and couple psychiatrists in just two years. Only one therapist and one psychiatrist understood what was going on with me, and they were not in my insurance plan, but agreed to see me at $30 a session because could see how messed up I was. Meanwhile, told all my insured MDs and therapists about nightmares and flashbacks and experiences from past and it was like no one heard anything I was sharing with them. They all looked at me like I was crazy (and that is a BIG trigger for me from the sexual assaults 14/15 years ago - I remember their eyes and how the three of them looked at me and I did not listen to my intuition back then) and without even asking me questions, the different therapists and psychiatrist (from my health plan, it is all one big network where they all work together) just diagnosed me with BPD. Little did I know writing was easier for me than speaking back then, all I could do then was cry and cry and cry (just like I had directly after the assaults for a year after, and I shared that with them, that I felt like I did right after the assaults).

I'm terrified of my MDs and seeing any of them except the new trauma psychiatrist and two trauma therapists I now have, in a completely new building. They ask me questions, inquire to others about my past and experiences, actually care about the truth and do not just label. I'm terrified to get out of bed, though, now because I'm a mess...those A**holes who labeled me BPD instead of recognizing I was re experiencing the entire sexual assault all over again but it was all my Dr's now assaulting me...flashbacks for months, hallucinations and nightmares for months and months...that stupid psychiatrist just told me to get off the meds and never once asked one single question of what happened or was going on, even tho she knew my history...was like they didn't even care I was crying uncontrollably in front of them for months, or was so upset I could barely speak for months, etc etc.

Now I have another layer of trauma added that was not even there before (until late 2015 where THEY all saw I lost it based on an email I sent out to everyone...no one once even talked with me about it, instead yelled at me for sending an email out and that was it). I feel assaulted now by all my MDs and most therapists and no idea how to get through this? Had I gotten the help I am getting right now a year + ago, this level of trauma would not even be there and maybe we could work, instead, on the sexual assault I've been hiding from 15 years now, plus childhood trauma. No, but now I have another layer of trauma to have to work through and I CAN'T. How the hell am I supposed to do this when my amazing trauma team works in another part of town, but under the same umbrella of corporate? I am so deeply afraid to move forward, even thinking about any of this, but I feel like I am going to blow up inside right now and am scared of myself right now because of that. F*@& this is way too hard. WHY WHY WHY me. I'm taking a sleeping pill and going back to sleep soon, forget DBT - I cannot face anyone today. The triggers from late last week are too hard to just get over and be able to have a handle on myself today. I just want to throw up today.

 

[Jadie Rose]

It's REALLY nice to see a 2nd trauma/neuro Psychiatrist, periodically, when my carrier trauma/neuro Psychiatrist scares or overwhelms me per explanations above...that reassurance that 1) I'm not psychotic nor crazy and 2) This is PTSD (have to keep being reminded since so many Dr's never helped for years), just helps tremendously :) Hope more people take advantage of trauma team help (ask for it if your own regular therapist or regular psychiatrist never brings it up themselves...I never even knew they existed until recently, by accident). It feels good to know you finally have REAL support and specialists who are just as confused as you as to why I had to be traumatized all over again for three years almost, by of all things, DOCTORS :mad::confused::cautious::cry::sick:

 

[J'qel]

Oh hon, if I had known they'd said BPD I would have told you to get a second opinion. I'm sorry I didn't notice it because I've been muddled lately. One of our housemates was BPD and you are so not it.

:hug:

So glad stuff went better for you this time, and yes, you're dealing with CPTSD. Multiple traumas over an extended periods with anxiety, depression and flashbacks. I'm so sorry you had to muddle through such crap. :(