Writing down trauma

[hymnless]

Alright, this is sort of an extension on the questions I had about a trauma timeline. My therapist and I have started to make a timeline and now she wants me to try to write down what happened the first time I was sexually abused since I haven't found a way to be able to say it. She said that if all I can do is one sentence, that's completely fine. If I write an entire page, that's fine too. I'm still just freezing and can't get it out. I tried the other night, panicked, and deleted what little bit I had written. Anyone had a similar experience or have something that might help?

 

[NightSky]

Yes. I had a really hard time writing a sentence or even a phrase to flashback images I was having and placing them on a timeline. The way I was able to do it was to go to Barnes and Noble, get a good coffee drink, put headphones on, and write (not type. It may feel different writing it by hand). The bright lights and people and music - occupying all of my senses, made it easier to not freeze. It helped me put it in perspective and grounded me, too. Because this is a thing that happened and is not happening now. It is scary, but it gets easier.

 

[FauxLiz]

I was the complete opposite of NightSky. When my t asked me to write about my trauma the only way I could manage to get anything on paper was to be drunk, stoned and completely unemotional. It wasn't the best way to handle it but I was able to get some of it down on paper.

 

[hymnless]

I like that these are totally opposite. I’ll have to try both tomorrow and see if I have any success!

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Yup... I also wrote most of mine stoned. It was the only way to numb the fear.

 

[Freida]

I'm a writer, so I found that thinking of it as someone else's story helped. But here's something to remember---you are the person in charge here. If you're not ready, you're not ready. It's ok for your T to push you a bit, to help you challenge yourself. This is how you start the process. It gives you something to work with. Writing down what happened is a very powerful in the therapy process, but if you can't do it maybe you and your t can work with the WHY its so hard for you to put it on paper. Kind of a work around to get to the picture

 

[Stephernovas]

What if your wrote like it happened to someone else? Make up fake names and all??

 

[hymnless]

I think that even though I’m really uncomfortable, this is the point where I need to start getting it out. It’s never the right time to have a conversation you don’t want to have, ya know? I think if I keep waiting to feel ready I’ll be waiting forever. Which sounds comfortable but also like I’ll be stuck where I am for much longer than I already have been.

We’ve been working a lot to help get to the point where I’m not so afraid, but it’s still really hard. Shame is my biggest issue in talking or sharing information because shame is how I was kept from telling anyone what was happening. I think that this was sort of an exercise to see if I trust her enough to let go of a tiny piece of that shame. But I don’t know.

 

[nowthisisme]

I have been seeing my T for almost 6months now. We just began working on the guilt and shame i feel towards what happened to me. I haven't really started discussing the trama with her, she just knows parts of it. I never really realized how much guilt and shame i had and how much that was holding me back from opening up.

A few weeks ago she encouraged me to start writing, she said that I don't have to share it with her but i should try even if it's just a few words. When I tried the first 6 times my hand would start shaking and my anxiety would kick in .. but i kept trying.

I actually wanted to feel it, I wanted to push myself and experience what happened to me. I was so dissociated throughout my trama and i can't remember a lot of it so i felt the need to feel it in hopes of remembering something.

The time i was actually able to write something i sat in my safe place and turned on some soft music. I grabbed my journal and just started writting, I wrote 4 lines and ran to the bathroom to throw up.. I was REALLY hard but i am glad i did it. I was able to write 2 more flashbacks after that. I haven't shared anything with my T yet, I seem to freeze when i go there, my journal next to me but i can't get myself to share it with her yet.

I guess we can only take one step at a time and don't pressure yourself unless you think your able to handle it. And if you can't handle it, IT'S OK, I'm learning to take it easy as long as your trying to heal your are making progress.
Good luck!

 

[hymnless]

I have been seeing my T for almost 6months now. We just began working on the guilt and shame i feel...

That’s amazing that you were able to get some of it out! You should be really proud of yourself. It’s hard to see progress when you’re moving slowly but you’re right- trying is progress.

 

[Mach123]

Yes, it was awful. I couldn't say it, I couldn't hear it. I could think about it but that was all. Every time I would even hint at it I'd call the therapist while I was driving home and be all having an episode saying "don't tell anyone, you have to promise you won't tell anyone." I could not write anything down, never. Then it was real and in the world and someone might find it. Things about positive affirmation were even worse. One of the first things I ever read about it, an actual book on the subject of CSA, I wet the bed that night. : (

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I'm a writer, so I found that thinking of it as someone else's story helped.

I'm a writer as well and found that writing my abuse into a novel (not for publishing) helped me work through my feelings and the abuse. I've used a type of fiction for that and don't use characters who resembles me in any way. I get to be one step removed from my trauma.

It all came about through a writing challenge online which goes on every year. You write a novel in one month's time. That started what has become a yearly tradition, save this year as I had too many stressors, I write a novel every November. Of course I write many more than that one novel. Yet that one gets the creative engine going.

@BookerNoe ,
There's a type of writing which might help you. It's called riff writing. It's commonly used in music for playing on the guitar: A short rhythmic phrase repeated in improvisation. It's also what you do as a writer when you're stuck or need to develop an idea or create a metaphor. It works for me in all of these situations. You just start writing and filling up the blank page. Whatever comes out is whatever comes out. It works.

When you build up the courage post your story on Trauma Diary here on myPTSD. It's a great way to write whatever you wish and not second guess yourself. I treat it as if it's my journal. On another website for survivors of abuse, I decided to write the story of what my father did to me one summer. It took three tries to get the initial short post down. It was a start. It snowballed into a developed diary from there.

A blank page used to scare me. I wondered what I'd write for the first page of my novels. I'm no longer scared rather I'm excited to have that blank page before me as I sit down at my desk to create whatever novel I wish to write.