WTF Was/Am I Thinking

[kris]

Someone remind me why the hell I am torturing myself and going to counseling? My therapist today just irritated the crap out of me and made me so angry. Everything today that he said just made me mad, he was assuming and making theroies about why he thinks I don't want to change. He thinks that deep down I probably want to change, but then I don't because I am comfortable with where I am mentally and am afraid of change.

 

[kers]

Therapy can really provoke things in us. Did your therapist insinuate that this is a conscious choice? When people are ready to change, even if it means forcing themselves to do something, they do it. What is it that you may want to change in your life? And what makes it hard to change?

I really sympathize because right now therapy is making me furious, too. It sucks, sometimes, to do that work.

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Kris

I have heard differing opinions on this & the conclusion I have come to is that you have to do what you feel is right for you.

Some medical professionals have said why drag up the past if it's only going to hurt you & others say in order to heal you have to deal with the past.

My thoughts are, when you have calmed down, work out what made you angry & why you think it did. Anger is usually a response to an underlying feeling such as fear etc. Then you can decide if the therapy is not for you or is the problem that you are not ready to deal with something yet.

Good luck.

 

[Artista]

Must be frustrating! I have found my therapist has always followed the path I said I wanted to follow in therapy... what I wanted to accomplish and has never steered from that. For me, it is getting at the repressed memories. So sometimes I do respect her poking at things, but she does so only if she gets my permission. As always if you feel pushed in a very negative, not respectful way, heed your intuition.

I will say, I have found in doing some of the "self" work I have been doing, that it IS natural for anyone who has experienced trauma to sometimes wish to stay where they are out of comfortability. When all we have known for so long and dealt with, has been the trauma.... well, it is still familiar and sort of a comfort as opposed to the unknown and change. For me, I have such repression, I do sometimes think it would be better to "stay put" in my way of dealing with it. Less terrifying for sure!!!!! I wouldn't take offense... it can be a natural defense. You may not be now that ready. Doesn't mean forever. Though the way he stated this to you could have come across very harsh and not helpful... did it feel judgmental? Hopeless? Some days i take things to heart and others I can be more removed.

I do hope you find an answer to your frustration. It is frustrating in itself without those that help us to trip it up. Best of wishes for you.

 

[reallynow]

Hi Kris, I feel your frustration, I also feel frustrated with therapy every single day and ask myself if it was a good decision. I agree with Kers though, I think that when we decide we are ready to change then it means we are, even if we force ourselves through it.

I had to step back and think if I wanted to go back before the flashbacks to the way I was, and honestly I decided I wouldn't. I already see the changes in my thinking that are more beneficial to me compared to before, even though I feel worse for now. So I would say try thinking about where you would be without therapy and if you prefer that for now. Perhaps this therapist is not clicking with you? For me I had to decide what I wanted out of therapy.

I get you though, I also wonder "what the hell and I thinking" because I always promised myself I'd never talk about this issue, and now I am voluntarily doing it and I so badly want to stop and quit. On the bright side I'm more honest with myself these days and am a bit better at expressing myself. Perhaps you are confused and don't know how or why you feel this way, like nicollette said, you need to decide why it made you angry or if there is an underlying feeling making you angry.

Sorry if I didn't make sense I'm so sleepy :)

 

[kris]

I guess I see it as I am there at the damn therapist office, and I am willingly but reluctantly going back every week so that means I want to change. The psychologist just pissed me off because he says he thinks I don't want to change, because I don't see myself positively. I see myself as a freak for having sex with my brother and I just can't see my view of that changing.

Yes it might not have been consentual but it was sex, to me there is no way around it, sex is the act of one putting there "penis" in anothers vagina-that is that. That is what we did and so that makes us both freaks. Its a freaky act and so that makes one freaky, you perform a freaky act that makes you a freak. I just don't see it any other way. He keeps telling me that one can change, but isn't showing me how to change, I don't think it is possible fine prove me wrong stop talking about why I don't think I can't change and show me that I can. To me I guess deep down I must know someone can change and believe that I can to change or why would I be going to therapy every week? It sure the hell isn't because I enjoy it.

 

[Nicolette]

Perhaps changing might mean your acceptance that it was non-consentual = rape = you are not a freak but a survivor of what a freak did to you?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Rape is rape, not matter who did it. That doesn't make you a freak.

 

[reallynow]

This is something I haven't shared on this forum yet, but after reading your post kris, I think I will. My sexual abuse was also by my brother, and it lasted for several years until my family cut off contact with him, and that was when I was 12 years old. I bet you wouldn't look at me and tell me I'm the weird freak who did things like that with her brother. I know that things like this are especially difficult in many ways. For myself (and this doesn't have to be the same with you) I am feeling the way you do because number one, he was my older brother, I kept trusting him and going back to those situations. Also he was not an adult himself but only 6 years older, and lastly incest has a HUGE stigma attached to it. I often feel intense shame when topics like incest are brought up people joking about "redneck, white trash incest people" and I feel they are speaking about me. I feel shame because of this because I feel like I committed incest, even though I was a child, and I didn't know what I was doing and he did. But still I feel the intense guilt and shame, and I can't seem to put the blame on him. But this is the ultimate goal, to remove the blame from yourself. I'm also trying to do this.

My therapist was also extremely confused and frustrated, and even admitted later on that "she thought I was just trying to be difficult, but now she sees that I really am confused" So I feel like I'm in your spot as well. Good for you for standing up to yourself and saying LOOK I'm coming in here every week, I want to change!! I kept going back also even though I am like you. I still can't get past seeing myself positively but this doesn't mean I don't want to change.

Its the opposite actually, you want to go to therapy to be able to learn and get through these issues SO THAT you can start seeing yourself positively. Its a goal to work towards, with many things that need to be addressed along the way before that goal can be reached. Keep drilling yourself with the phrase its not my fault, and try to do anything to hold on to this thought even if at times it barely hangs on by a thread. I'm in your position right now, so I can't tell you what you will need to do, but the hanging on to the one part "intellectually" that I'm not at fault, helps, the emotional and rational sides will eventually join in and I'll begin to believe it. It takes time but your first step is going to therapy and wanting to take the right steps to feel better.

But don't say that your a freak, I know exactly how you feel COMPLETELY because I feel the same, and it won't go away overnight, but trying to let go of this negative unhelpful feeling towards yourself is a big part of the process, and it is a gradual process so be patient. I hate being patient also. Your emotions are strong, and the ones that you feel like your a freak, means your blaming yourself, and feeling sick about yourself, and this is what the therapist you are seeing should be confronting instead of saying "oh that must mean you don't want change....." NO.... I think you need to speak to him and say what you said on here, that you want to get better and get past these feelings but you need help about HOW. And only then will things start to progress. Therapy is very complicated both for the client and therapist. before getting work done you first need to both be on the same page, with the same goal. Then you can work on it together, instead it seems like you and him are off on different tangents and not communicating or working in synch.

I wish you luck kris feel free to message me sometimes, I see you and I are actually going through extremely similar situations, if you ever wanted to speak to someone who relates to your specific issue.

 

[kris]

I guess when the therapist told me that he thinks I don't want to change the views I have of myself, it made me feel like a hopeless looser who should just stop therapy right then and there because I am not going to ever change. After therapy the other day, I don't know that I want to go back if the therapist thinks I won't change so what is the point of going. Apparently I am a lost cause so why waste my time and money going. If I don't want to change why take the time to try.

 

[kris]

I am just a stupid idiot who can't change, because I don't want to I apparently like myself as a stupid idiotic freak who no one likes so I might as well stop therapy now. I think I will cancel my appointments what the hell is the point I am to stupid for therapy even, I can't do that right even and all you have to do is talk. Life f***ing sucks so why even bother, damnit I hate my f***ing life and myself and the whole damn situation. Why the hell did my brother do this to me, or anyone at that.

Why does GOD make people like this, Why does HE make people have these urges to do such horrible things why why why.

 

[Nicolette]

Ok Kris....with your last statement you sound like you are going down the self pity path. Come on.... You survived something horrendous so don't start a pity party as everyone here is trying to support you.

Yes we will help & support you but you have to prove that therapist wrong rather than heading down the path you said you weren't.