General Wth...re-established Contact With Ex

[HelloMo80]

Okay, so it's not as bad as it may sound initially. I left one area, moved to another and he contacted a friend of mine to see how I was doing. I decided to email him to let him know I was okay. That was after months of no contact that I initiated. Since I was moving away from the life we'd known together, I didn't feel unsafe letting him know that I was fine and moving away. Also, I didn't want him contacting my friends about me. I felt like enough time had passed that old wounds and feelings about such were on the way out. For the most part, that is true.

He told me he still loved me and that he felt a lot of stuff was his fault. Okay, fair enough. I responded that we could talk but we weren't building a relationship. That, through it all, I always enjoyed talking to him and I know he doesn't do much of that being overseas so I'd be happy to communicate via email only. He was fine with that..so far, so good.

He had his leave and he came to the U.S. and didn't call or email not once. I wasn't angry about that, just a bit bothered esp. because I called him on his birthday. But overall, I didn't have the same feelings of betrayal, anger, etc like I used to when he went MIA.

Long story short, he left the U.S. without a word. About 5 weeks went by and I was wondering if he actually ever made it back overseas. We're not FB friends so I didn't just look it up that way. Also, I don't talk to his friends. I ended up texting his sister to ask. She said he made it back. Cool. Probably a week later, he emailed saying that he was fine. Short and sweet. Great. We emailed like twice (once each) over the next month. Then...all hell broke loose. He emailed again and asked how I was doing and I told him great. Updated him on all the little things--job, family--stuff like that. The regular-type convo you have with someone you don't keep updated with on a consistent basis. I said something to the effect of "I got my swag back, lol" and sent him 2 pics of me--one of just me smiling and the other of me and my cousin before we went out for her bday celebration.

In the same email I told him my cousin's girlfriend is the same nationality as him and she says some of the same stuff he did, verbatim and it made me think of him and miss actually having a conversation with him, honestly. He went off on me in the next email. However, he sent me an email first saying that he still loved my like he did when we were together. :unsure: About an hour later, he followed up with "I'm making money, money doesn't fail me like people do. I'm not interested in EVER having a relationship or making new friends for the rest of my life..enjoy your life." :confused: W.T.H???

I think not dealing at all with him for months made me forget how volatile dealing with him can be. We don't talk often so cutting communication would be easy for me. At times I do miss him and I got comfy and said as much. I'm pretty sure that was the wrong thing to do. Maybe sending him pics of me was wrong too. I did so because he used to remark how sad I seemed in the last city I lived and that I needed to "get my swag back." So I showed him I was doing well in pics and that seemed to set him off.

Anyway, any thoughts on continuing an email/pen pal type correspondence because at this point I don't know what would be worse...not emailing back ever (and resuming my no contact with him) or emailing something else "wrong." Am I supposed to address his rant...overlook it? I'm clueless. I'm fine with the limited correspondence because I do care if he's alive or not and an occasional email let's me know that. I don't know if it's fine for HIM though is what I'm getting at.

Thoughts?

 

[matthios]

While I'm sure someone will come along and completely disagree with me and/or scold me, and it's apparently *never* okay on this forum to tell people they behaved inappropriately... from your own description, you're toying with him and he's hurt and angry about it. He admits to still loving you. If I'm reading your post correctly, this is pretty much what happened from an outsider's perspective:

You say "hey, because I used to enjoy talking to you, I'll allow you to talk to me because it brings me enjoyment but it isn't building a relationship." He consents, settling for something less than he actually wants just because it brings you enjoyment. He returns to the country and doesn't contact you. You claim you don't feel betrayed by this. GOOD. You shouldn't. He didn't contact you to respect the very boundaries YOU set out. "made me think of him and miss (having a conversation with) him." I enclose the parentheses to highlight the two ways to take what you're actually saying... Either you miss him but won't admit it, or you only miss using him for conversation you aren't getting elsewhere. While you scolded him for contacting your friends only to find out if you're okay, you then contacted his family to do the very same about him. You then sent him photos to remind him of a what you're depriving him of: you.

Honestly, nothing about what you've described of him strikes me as being "volatile." He's got feelings, sure. He's reacting to things that exist, not inventing slights. He's hurt because of being on the wrong end of emotionally abusive treatment.

You want advice? Don't "not respond"- that's just rude and childish. Write him. I wouldn't ignore his rant. I'd read it over a million times and try to strip away the emotion-driven hyperbole of its tone and take in the legit content.

Someone may try to say "but you set boundaries, how can he be upset by that?!" Sure, you set boundaries. Your expectations and actions also crossed your own boundaries. That's not fair to him, or, frankly, to you.

The key to interpersonal relationships is remembering they're interpersonal. You mentioned he said he'd apologized for that which he claims fault in the past. Those of us with PTSD know how easy it is to be hurt by another's actions and insensitivity... and many of us, because we've got a diagnosis, seem to think the rest of the world should just accept our bad behavior. Sadly, this isn't how it works. Other people get hurt by hurtful actions.

*dons flame-suit*

 

[HelloMo80]

I read and re-read both my comment and yours. I do think my response set some things off and that I handled it wrong. Let me clarify and respond to some things.

1) He's not friends with my friends. So him not contacting them seemed fair because he's never done so before. I didn't want to unnecessary put them in the middle. So I reached out.
2) I know his sister and we touch base about him and other things so me asking wasn't out of the ordinary.
2) From past experiences, he says he loves me a lot. I think he believes that. However, when the issue of a relationship is brought up he ALWAYS has a "but" clause. The reason I stopped talking to him initially is because we were in a relationship and he wouldn't stop cheating...despite his love for me. I just got tired of it. That's why I said we weren't building because it's a cycle that I don't want to re-enter. He apologizes, it's fine, he pushes me away and then is mean to me...and then he apologizes and does the whole thing over again. So I did put up that boundary. That I don't regret.
3) You were right about the phone call. I didn't even catch that. I did say we should communicate via email only. Then I called him. I know it was because it was his birthday but still...that was a violation of the rules I set.
4) I do miss him AND our conversation, respectively. So I did tell him that. Was that wrong? (serious question)
5) The pictures...maybe I shouldn't have sent them. Honest to God it wasn't a "look at me now" type deal though. I'd sent other pics to him when we first started communicating again. One when I landed in my new city and another when I got to my place. He didn't object to them and said I looked happy and he liked them. That's what I thought of when I sent them.
6) I'm not gonna ignore him or what he wrote.

I don't begrudge your criticisms at all. It's an honest perspective that you brought forth and I appreciate it. I came to get advice. I'm not a bad person. I do know that I'm not good at this communication thing with him based on our past. So thanks for the advice.

 

[matthios]

I'm relieved you didn't take my response as an attack. *whew*

I don't think it was wrong, per se, to tell him you missed him and the conversation, but it probably wasn't a great idea given the circumstances. I think there's a lot of pressure for "let's just be friends" to work out. But with most people I know, their ex becomes an ex. Goodbye. Gone. May as well be dead. In rare instances, with particularly well-adjusted people (story-book levels of well-adjusted), a super-distant friendship seems to function with exes.

 

[HelloMo80]

No worries. I don't get easily offended. I cut off contact initially because he used to hurt my feelings all the time. And I have bipolar disorder (treated, taking meds, doing well) and as a result, structure is more important to me than the average person. The "you love me, you hate me" rollercoaster is not good for my health, literally.

I have friendships with 2 of my exes that are healthy. We don't communicate often (something like "happy birthday" or "how are you" via facebook once every blue moon) but if they came into town with their families we could all go out and have lunch. With this particular ex, he says he wants me in his life forever, then treats me like dirt (well he did to some degree in the past so I leery of that now). So the boundaries are for my own good. I agree that I did violate that phone call/email boundary though. Birthday or no, I should not have done that.

I do wish we could talk more because we got on well during the good times. But, just because I want that doesn't mean it will happen and I think I won't express that anymore because it may pose complications.

Again, thanks for the honest feedback.