Dom Violence Years of one foot in and one foot out

[courelly]

I realised that mine had been showing less of the extreme behaviours he used to show and actually I t...

You make a great point. I have no way of knowing how "trained" I am. Even though I recognize a lot of the bigger behaviors, and books like Lundy's have helped identify most of it, I can't see the flowers for the trees for the most part.

You're right that they balk once confronted about their behavior - tomorrow I'm supposed to be leaving on a short trip with some friends, the first personal trip I've taken in years, and I could see he was agitated. I thought, better trigger this early now so I don't potentially have to deal with it at bedtime, and asked him what was wrong. At first it was a list of things unrelated to me, and then our last fight from a couple weeks ago came up. He accused me of "taking things personally," and even though I should have just let him believe I thought that, I couldn't let it alone and disagreed with him. It ended with him raising his voice, and me leaving the house, him throwing a planter off the porch and calling me a c*nt.

Yeah, I'm dreaming if I think he's made any progress.

 

[Teasel]

Very much hoping you'e enjoying your trip away X

 

[Loreal]

Reading Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" is probably the closest I've come to understanding my...

The first thing is that I decided to be with a good friend that I thought was gonna be my knight in shining armor but ended up being my greatest downfall.I been through the fire and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever come back.It started off wrong and it should have been my red flag the first time he hit me and forcefully sat me down. But I just going in that was in 2008 .I got pregnant with my twins at that time and he treated me like shit, yelling at me, Grabbing me, pushing me, and at times even locked me out my own bedroom and I had to sleep on the couch. That was the worse pregnancy ever. The same day I went into labor he threw hot coffee in my face.I remember laying in the hospital getting induced and wanting to just die.Long story short the abuse continued for years he blames me for him being unsuccessful in life and my twins are disabled from the stress of the pregnancy and that's my fault to.There 9 years old now and function at a 5 yr old level and this is hard for me.I started getting sick in 2011 because of all the stress and his constant abuse and if I try to leave his suicide attempts. I always tried to reason with him but I had no luck.And as years went on my health has declined even more now I can barely walk and have become dependent on him just the way he wanted it and I feel trapped because I can't do things like I use to or even take care of my kids anymore .It's more to this story but If this can help anybody out there going through this or any type of abuse I would say get out before it's too late. Me and my kids suffered because of this man and now I feel stuck!!

 

[Princess Pearl]

I escaped my situation two years ago and, even though I’m in a different country to him and still look over my shoulder all the time, the feeling of freedom is unimaginable!! Even though I suffer with PTSD, I’m free!! Imagine being able to choose how you live your life! The tensions and adversities are YOURS. No having to be someone you’re not!!
I gave up pretty much everything to make my escape....I can’t think about my beloved dog who I had to rehouse without crying....but at the end of the day, I had to protect myself and my daughter from any more pain. We deserve better than to be treated like this. We owe it to ourselves!
Saying that, it took me 17 years to realise just how bad things were, but once I knew I couldn’t take it anymore, the feeling of euphoria and rightness about going was incredible.
It’s not easy once you’ve left...there’s so much stuff to process and assimilate, but, for me, it was the best thing I ever did.
I hope you can find a way to make that move....you’re worth a million times more than your experience now!
Good luck!

 

[Loreal]

Thanks" I just read this and became really emotional.I know that I deserve to be loved and treated with respect and freedom sounds soreal to me because I have felt trapped for so long.Im just glad that there is someone out there that can understand how I feel.
Thanks again.

 

[Princess Pearl]

Thanks" I just read this and became really emotional.I know that I deserve to be loved and treated with...

You’re never alone. Unfortunately, there are so many of us who have been where you are and know just how strong you have to be to cope with the pressures of change. But we’re there for you whatever happens.
Sending you loads of hugs :hug::hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

It took me 21 years and feeling and knowing I was so very close to death, for me to leave. Very hard but worthwhile. Witnessing and wanting to support you through this! You deserve love and safety and freedom from abuse! Take care!

 

[shimmerz]

Sorry, haven't read all of the posts so my apologies for any duplication.

You said you had family in another state? Can you tell him you are going to visit him and just leave? I mean, you will have to leave behind material things, but it may well just allow you a relatively easy way out. And you will have the support of your family on the other end if things get out of hand. Your family is supportive, are they?

Also, thank you for this posting. It helped me to sort out something that has been bugging me for years. Your going to hotel rooms totally triggered up a memory and how my ex used to blame me for saying I was leaving and going to a hotel for exactly the same reasons. It was something that has bothered me for some time now. Seeing it in your story totally put it into perspective to me. Another brain bug gone! Yeah!

There must be a 'how to be an abusive asshole to your spouse' handbook out there because this stuff really seems to follow a pattern)

 

[Happyplace76]

Reading Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" is probably the closest I've come to understanding my...

I'm currently in a therapy group for women who have been in similar situations, or are in them now. Wh...

Hi @courelly I read your initial post and I also ready Lundy Bancroft's book. It was really life changing for me. You remind me so much of where I was with my first physically abusive relationship. I think it took me about 5 times to leave permanently and while I wish I could say it was for my own good it was really for my infant son who was only a few months old at the time. The exhaustion can be sooo overwhelming that it almost overtakes you from taking any action whatsoever. It's been 13 years since the first relationship I left (I just left a psychopath's intense psychological abuse a few months into a new relationship - progress - took two years the last time. This time just a few months but it was so much more terrifiying because his last girlfriend had died by means of running out into the middle of a busy road. A lot of suspect details to it that I was quite literally afraid for my life, and my son's.

Now you know that only 3% change and it comes down to their sense of entitlement and control. It's all part of their "shctick" to keep you on your toes, unbalanced (so you doubt yourself - makes it easier to manipulate you). What did it for me was I had felt that I had already lost everything at that time - but I wasn't going to lose my son. And that was going to be inevitable. I was sooooo very exhausted so going to a local support group (where there are victims and survivors at all stages in the process) every week was KEY in hanging onto whatever strength I had to leave and stay away. I ended up having to move 4 hours away. Once I was financially independent, and had the supports in place to care for my son who was months old at the time, that was when I was truly able to break free. So my advice is don't let one group keep you from seeking support. Find an in person group, or another group - ideally that group will be a safe place where you feel like you're ok just where you are. It is a process, a journey almost. And they are so very good at seducing you back into their sickness. What helped me was labeling him. He was an alcoholic, an abuser. Nothing more nothing less.

12 years later, thought I'd never get duped into another relationship with abuse - this one was very sinister and diabolical, but my instincts and listening to them helped me leave much much much sooner this time around. Feel free to get ahold of me if you ever need to talk. I truly understand where you're at and there's no judgement whatsoever. Hugs, remember only 3%, reread Bancroft - I had to, try to find a DV support group in your community if it is safe enough to do so.