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Dom Violence Years of one foot in and one foot out

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courelly

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Reading Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" is probably the closest I've come to understanding my situation and feeling empowered enough to leave. The problem with finding something empowering when deeply entrenched in an abusive relationship is that you're still in entrenched in that abusive relationship - the abuser can easily figure out what's empowering you and turn it into a tool for abuse. Sometimes I feel like Lundy's ears are burning, because he's insulted her expertise and her book quite a few times since he learned that I read it.

There's been physical assault, but he's never hit me. I know I'm not the only abused person in history to use the "but he's never" line as some kind of justification for pushing, cornering, throwing objects, hands around throat, threatening with a weapon, calling me every insulting name in the book, punching holes in walls, the list goes on etc.

I've been in this situation for almost 6 years, and I'm exhausted. I always come up with a reason for not leaving - I can't break a rental lease, I'm taking care of his sick dog, I'm taking care of his new puppy, I'm taking care of him because he has no job, no one's going to want me if I leave him - all of my excuses to protect him have done nothing but strayed me further from a life I'm happy with. He spent two years convincing me to move away from my home state, and my friends and family, and after so much fighting I finally gave in. It's been two years since that move, and I am miserable. I'm far from my support system and I work from home, which means I have plenty of inward time to mull over how depressed I am.

Lately, if his voice increases in volume during a disagreement, I automatically pick up my bag, get my keys, and walk out the door. If it's at night, I go to a hotel if I have to. I told him that if I don't feel safe, I'm always going to extricate myself from the situation. The unfortunate side effect of this is that he believes he's making progress, and has told me as much. He's yelling less, he's name-calling less, he's punching less walls, because I've literally impeded him from doing so by continually removing myself from his immediate environment. He thinks this has everything to do with how well he's doing, and demands that I give him some accolades for his accomplishment. I can't decide what's worse - walking on eggshells to make sure he's happy, or being myself and having to get up and go if he decides he doesn't like that.

I don't know how to leave. I feel so much like giving up, and just letting him take control like he wants, and telling him he's right about everything even if I don't believe that, and even though that looks ridiculous as I'm typing it, it actually sounds easier than leaving.

How did you leave? How did you finally do it? I'm just lost.
 
Just to say how much I relate. I'm good at knowing when I need to remove myself from his presence.
Also have been so good at having reasons I can' go yet. I think I am working through them now..
I figure everything I read about leaving abusers says it's really hard...
Sorry I've not got the answer eitherbut am glad you've posted here and hope someone who's left will post.
Are you in touch with any domestic abuse workers? Is there anyone you can ask for help?
Do your family know and supper you? Or a good friend?
 
Just to say how much I relate. I'm good at knowing when I need to remove myself from his presence.
Al...
Thank you for the supportive message. I've been to my local center for domestic violence, but it was kind of a bare-bones experience. The intake counselor was much younger than me, and seemed kind of nervous/unsure about what to say to me. She shared a couple resources (how to get orders of protection, how to get out of a lease), and I haven't been back since.

My family and friends are supportive but they are far away now.
 
Can you talk with them, do they know that he is abusive? Can you ask for help from them? Can you visit?
I relate to feeling empowered enough to get together enough energy to want to leave by reading Lundy Bancroft, also Patricia Evans - the verbally abusive relationship. So regularly rereading both books would seem a good idea.

I' sorry I don't have any answers for you. I've split up with my partner but not yet been able to move away and I've been with him over 15 years. I do understand how hard it is to leave.

I hope someone who has left might answer you. Keep posting here if you don' get the answers you want straight away.
Rooting for you x
 
I would get away from him in your situation. Do whatever it takes, even if it's difficult. I really sympathize with what its like to feel like youre stuck in a really bad relationship.

I got out of my abusive relationship by leaving him at the ER after a suicide attempt. Prior to that his violence, volatility and craziness had escalated. My mind couldn't take it. He was really physically violent, and sexually assaulting me regularly. My mind broke from reality, but came back just enough to get me out of the situation by abandoning him and cutting all forms of contact, getting a restraining order, etc.

I didn't say a word to him about it. I was terrified of him at that point. He got really crazy, and I was really afraid of setting him off, which was totally unpredictable. I just convinced him to go to the ER after he tried cutting his wrist, and abandoned him there. I wanted to run so bad, while I was powerwalking out of the back of the ER where he was.
 
Can you talk with them, do they know that he is abusive? Can you ask for help from them? Can you visi...
Thank you for the kindness. Yes, I have a couple close friends who know he is abusive. Unfortunately, the last time I worked towards leaving, he utilized one of these friends to convince me to stay because he got her to believe he was trying so hard and loved me so much, etc. I haven't told that friend about any of his abusive incidents since. Luckily I still have one really good friend I can turn to and be honest with.

I would get away from him in your situation. Do whatever it takes, even if it's difficult. I really...
I'm sorry for what you've been through. Sometimes when I hear stories like this, or watch a show like Big Little Lies, I think I'm exaggerating and that other people have suffered much worse than I have. I don't have any bruises, any broken bones. I had a little rug burn once that I got from being pushed on the floor, and once he banged his own head into a thermostat and started bleeding. And once he punched a floor and broke his hand. He's hurt himself physically more than he's hurt me physically, so it adds up when he says, "I'm more of a danger to myself than you." That doesn't make it any less scary when he acts intimidating, but still. Is it horrible to say that I wish he would just do something unforgivable so I don't feel guilty leaving? Reading the experiences on here make me realize that might not change my view though.
 
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Don't minimize your experiences - being pushed is being assaulted, and I know from experience that someone punching objects or walls is scary to be around, especially when they've pushed/hit you before. That intimidation is scary. Your experiences shouldn't be discounted just because there are things you hear about that sound worse than what you've experienced. All of these experiences are stressful, or scary, or negative in other ways.

I think the whole minimizing thing is common with these experiences, no matter their severity.

Is it horrible to say that I wish he would just do something unforgivable so I don't feel guilty leaving?

It's not horrible, you want a good excuse to leave him - but you already have one. He's pushed you, he's hit things and acted intimidating, he's scared you, and he sounds pretty unstable. These things are all red flags, sending a "you should probably leave" signal. I myself have ignored or failed to acknowledge some really bad red flags, which got me deeper and deeper into an abusive situation.

I know it can be hard to leave a relationship, but you probably should leave him, before things get worse. My mind did all sorts of mental gymnastics every time I tried to get out of that situation I was in, trying to keep me in or make me feel hopeless about leaving. You already have reasons that are very valid reasons to break up with someone. You don't even have to say anything to him, just leave. I know it's easier said than done, but it's worth the relief.
 
I don't know how to leave. I feel so much like giving up, and just letting him take control like he wants, and telling him he's right about everything even if I don't believe that, and even though that looks ridiculous as I'm typing it, it actually sounds easier than leaving.

Yes, just "giving in" would be easier...just let him do/have what he wants and let the years pass by. It is an option.

But it doesn't work. I did that, you know what happens? They want MORE. Things will still not be "GOOD ENOUGH".... it is all about their inner demons and they only way it works is if they feel they are getting to you.

I reached a point with mine where I wouldn't even flinch at the worst...so he upped his game. And when that didn't work, he grew even more disgusted with me and then started coming up with new improved ways of leaving me "in the dirt".

I understand why "giving up" feels like an option but from experience, I can tell you it isn't really an option. They never play nice, they are never satisfied. Never.

The Lundy book was a life changer for me as well, I am glad you have read it and keep reading!

How did you leave? How did you finally do it? I'm just lost.

I was lost, petrified and had no where/one to run too. Due to safety concerns my how started with a plan but you know, when it really just comes down to it, you just have to do it.

I remember setting there making the call.....with my hands shaking uncontrollably and tears pouring down my fact as I paid my lawyer. I was lightheaded, terrified and felt utterly unprepared but I knew I needed to get free whatever the cost. I decided it was going to be like jumping off of a bridge - once "in the air" it was done, no turning back the wheels would move with or without me.

That helped me, I take the first plunge and the rest just happens. It also hit me that all of the scary things I predicted....well, not everything that happens will be bad and some may be in my favor.

Truer words were never spoken....my nightmarish ordeal was over in only 4 months. Can you imagine?! Freedom in only 4 months.

Lastly, mine never hit me either, just threats. A poignant moment for me was when he was doing his usual routine of threatening to divorce me, leave me in the dirt, I had left 3 rice grains in the pot so I was "wasteful" blah blah....but he canceled my surgery and told me he wasn't interested. I thought he was just threatening me...but he really did it. In that awful moment I imagined myself older, possibly infirm or sick...and the thought of him around me, taking care of me?! He may not have hit me but I was getting physically sick from the stress, not a joke, I think it was going to put me in the hospital sooner or later.

All of this shook me hard. Hitting you or not the abusive mentality is dangerous.

I'm middle life....no friends/family and yet I feel overjoyed each and every day since he has been gone. I feel HAPPY. I feel HOPEFUL.

I love my life, those terrible decision moments were worth it.

You can do it. You really can, you just don't believe it yet. After you start it gets easier, it just does.

If you can't do it now, find a DV group to start attending. Don't make excuses, that part you can do, just do it. Trust me :)

Wishing you only the best,

Whirlwind
 
Yes, just "giving in" would be easier...just let him do/have what he wants and let the years pass by....
I'm currently in a therapy group for women who have been in similar situations, or are in them now. What's weird about the group is that no one directly mentions the abuse they've endured, or what form it takes. Maybe it's because they're not comfortable saying it out loud, but for some reason the group dynamic makes me feel even more isolated. Hearing or reading related experiences helps me more than anything else, because my biggest issue is convincing myself that what I'm going through is wrong, and that it's so wrong that I need to leave in order to get my life back on track.

Oh my gosh, the part about the three grains of rice - I thought I was reading about something that had happened to me. It's not even him getting upset at petty things that messes with my head, but the sheer inconsistency of when he gets upset about petty things, or the fact that he often does those same petty things himself, or things similar to them. When he's mad about some chore I did wrong it's always a setup - I could argue with him and give him the instant green light to get insulting and escalate his anger, or I could be apologetic and he'd spend a ton of time lecturing me and harassing me until he could goad me into arguing, thereby justifying an eruption on his part. I used to panic and cry if I lost a sock while drying his clothes, and suddenly it's not something he cares about anymore. It could be something completely new tomorrow that irritates him, but I still remember things that set him off five years ago, and am still frightened of doing those things "wrong."

He's currently in "honeymoon" mode, especially because I've been so vocal about my hurt and stress over his history of abusive behavior. In his head, the abusive part is when he gets physically intimidating, or calls me a vulgar name. I think he sees his anger over small, daily issues as valid concerns he's trying to communicate, while I see it as him feeling insecure and upset about something unrelated, and needing to take it out on the person closest to him. I don't think he wants to give up the behavior, but it's ultimately the thing that keeps me nervous and second guessing everything I do. What's confusing is that he completely understands the concept of abuse and how damaging it is. He criticizes it when he sees it in the news, or on a TV show for instance. My last obstacle is going to be convincing myself that his good days don't outweigh the negative affects of the abuse. I've had days I felt so sure that I was ready to do this, that nothing could sway me to stay with him. Then bit by bit, I fall back into thinking we could actually have a normal relationship.
 
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