Reading Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" is probably the closest I've come to understanding my situation and feeling empowered enough to leave. The problem with finding something empowering when deeply entrenched in an abusive relationship is that you're still in entrenched in that abusive relationship - the abuser can easily figure out what's empowering you and turn it into a tool for abuse. Sometimes I feel like Lundy's ears are burning, because he's insulted her expertise and her book quite a few times since he learned that I read it.
There's been physical assault, but he's never hit me. I know I'm not the only abused person in history to use the "but he's never" line as some kind of justification for pushing, cornering, throwing objects, hands around throat, threatening with a weapon, calling me every insulting name in the book, punching holes in walls, the list goes on etc.
I've been in this situation for almost 6 years, and I'm exhausted. I always come up with a reason for not leaving - I can't break a rental lease, I'm taking care of his sick dog, I'm taking care of his new puppy, I'm taking care of him because he has no job, no one's going to want me if I leave him - all of my excuses to protect him have done nothing but strayed me further from a life I'm happy with. He spent two years convincing me to move away from my home state, and my friends and family, and after so much fighting I finally gave in. It's been two years since that move, and I am miserable. I'm far from my support system and I work from home, which means I have plenty of inward time to mull over how depressed I am.
Lately, if his voice increases in volume during a disagreement, I automatically pick up my bag, get my keys, and walk out the door. If it's at night, I go to a hotel if I have to. I told him that if I don't feel safe, I'm always going to extricate myself from the situation. The unfortunate side effect of this is that he believes he's making progress, and has told me as much. He's yelling less, he's name-calling less, he's punching less walls, because I've literally impeded him from doing so by continually removing myself from his immediate environment. He thinks this has everything to do with how well he's doing, and demands that I give him some accolades for his accomplishment. I can't decide what's worse - walking on eggshells to make sure he's happy, or being myself and having to get up and go if he decides he doesn't like that.
I don't know how to leave. I feel so much like giving up, and just letting him take control like he wants, and telling him he's right about everything even if I don't believe that, and even though that looks ridiculous as I'm typing it, it actually sounds easier than leaving.
How did you leave? How did you finally do it? I'm just lost.
There's been physical assault, but he's never hit me. I know I'm not the only abused person in history to use the "but he's never" line as some kind of justification for pushing, cornering, throwing objects, hands around throat, threatening with a weapon, calling me every insulting name in the book, punching holes in walls, the list goes on etc.
I've been in this situation for almost 6 years, and I'm exhausted. I always come up with a reason for not leaving - I can't break a rental lease, I'm taking care of his sick dog, I'm taking care of his new puppy, I'm taking care of him because he has no job, no one's going to want me if I leave him - all of my excuses to protect him have done nothing but strayed me further from a life I'm happy with. He spent two years convincing me to move away from my home state, and my friends and family, and after so much fighting I finally gave in. It's been two years since that move, and I am miserable. I'm far from my support system and I work from home, which means I have plenty of inward time to mull over how depressed I am.
Lately, if his voice increases in volume during a disagreement, I automatically pick up my bag, get my keys, and walk out the door. If it's at night, I go to a hotel if I have to. I told him that if I don't feel safe, I'm always going to extricate myself from the situation. The unfortunate side effect of this is that he believes he's making progress, and has told me as much. He's yelling less, he's name-calling less, he's punching less walls, because I've literally impeded him from doing so by continually removing myself from his immediate environment. He thinks this has everything to do with how well he's doing, and demands that I give him some accolades for his accomplishment. I can't decide what's worse - walking on eggshells to make sure he's happy, or being myself and having to get up and go if he decides he doesn't like that.
I don't know how to leave. I feel so much like giving up, and just letting him take control like he wants, and telling him he's right about everything even if I don't believe that, and even though that looks ridiculous as I'm typing it, it actually sounds easier than leaving.
How did you leave? How did you finally do it? I'm just lost.