Undiagnosed Yet can't - accidental death

[earthquakefish]

Hi, my name is David

I first want just want to say I'm a 39 year old male in Canada before I introduce myself anymore. I always kept family close; even though I'm keeping them at some distance now grappling with just myself in ways. That's been going on for some years now. Since my Dad died from an accident 8 and a half years ago. It makes me feel very lonely from them despite feeling it is healthy at times for me.

See when my Dad died, it was a boating accident all alone by himself. One moment he was there; the next moment he was not. No witness, no nothing. Just a phone message, to my Mum while she was on a walk with their dog, from a neighbouring cottager to start with that said, 'that he was paddling his fishing boat' (this was maybe 300' from our dock). Before my Mum got home, there was another message, the same neighbours phoned again saying as how they looked out now, and he was 'missing'.

Given some of my father's medical conditions, and his inability to swim, outside of a dog paddle, it was too easy for me to learn the implications just in word from a very badly worded phone call from my brother (he was in shock) where his wife called me back apologizing for how my brother expressed.

I was with my girlfriend, one year in, with some tribulations happening there, and the only driver at best 10 hours away (Quebec City to north of Peterborough). My Mum said, when I showed up, without sleep and a constant driving from a 10pm phone call (when my brother called) to 8 in the morning , she wasn't going to call me as she knew how long of a drive I had in front of me without help from anyone. She was going to let me get closer before she would phone.

It wasn't the phone call.

Two days watching police boats search in waters. I had showed up with no hope to the cottage (and I don't consider that sad, I consider it realistic given and accepting). I didn't know how to face my family, knowing at least my brother would hold hope even if he was disparaging in his call to me.

It's a lake. It's a small bay. His boat was left by him within eyeshot of our dock (I never saw the boat in water that time). Constant diving of police divers. Thank them for finding him and what they did. Still very hard when you don't want to accept the reality.

I've gone to see counselling a few times, in sessions, since. It has hardly helped. I always have had something go on emotionally since that makes me focus emotionally on something else. It took my 3rd encounter of sessions with the same therapist (probably 30 meetings at least before) to even realize I missed saying this to her, I was the one holding the binoculars the very moment when the police diver pulled my father out of the water. Only cause she said, this is the first time you said anything about your father's death; which patently was untrue. I had said, just had never said watching his face come up from the water, which made me want to express to her no further.

That was a couple years after he died.

During the time he died, I felt it necessary to quit college. As I could not focus on school. I had gotten in for photography, something I stumbled I'm good at, at a later age of 30, at that time just before his death. It was a cruel reality.

Since then my life has been upside down; I have found a vehicle in alcohol (if I want, and it's become too often). Depleted to working jobs where I didn't want to work before that I did, and can. So I can. And I feel stopped from seeing something else for me.

It makes me bitter.... jealous, angry when it's really just a step, no matter how hard, to get on with my life yet can't.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums. Sorry that you're here, but glad you found us.

One of the things that has been of the most use to me -both immediately & long term- is really wrapping my head around the Stress Cup. Very much worth a read.

Again, welcome :)

 

[ladee]

Welcome! Hoping you find another therapist that is a better listener.
Glad you are here. A very healing and compassionate community of people who hear you and understand.

 

[earthquakefish]

Thanks both to ladee and Friday for the replies.

Friday, I will take a look at the link your provided with the Stress Cup.

Ladee, thanks. It's been awhile since I tried therapy [felt disheartened by my experience]. A lot of the time, I also oscillate often between feeling relatively okay, or feeling like I'm coping, and then it hits again, and again. However, when I feel constant feelings of depression always looming, and feeling that way right now (and my coping mechanisms just functioning), I think it's time for me to seek out a therapist again. I was searching online today for someone in my region. I'm nervous about it, I admit.

Thanks again.

 

[shimmerz]

Fellow Canadian here. Know the drive from QC to Peterborough. I used to ski at Mt. Ste. Anne all the time. Most parts of the Ontario to QC trip felt, to me, as isolated as Mars. And boring? Can't imagine doing that while trying to process a possible death in the family.

I hope you find the support you are looking for here. :hug:

 

[earthquakefish]

Fellow Canadian here. Know the drive from QC to Peterborough. I used to ski at Mt. Ste. Anne all the...

Yes so boring! I was travelling at night so that made little difference.

Thanks for your reply. What got me through the drive was several times stopping to have a cigarette, having someone beside me, and a lot of Leonard Cohen on repeat. It was super tough, even had to tell my girlfriend, if there is any moment she felt I shouldn't be driving we can find a motel as my family would surely understand.

Longest and shortest drive of my life.

 

[FragileGlass]

Accidental and unexpected death leave an unfortunate unresolved feeling. You start going through the checklist even years later, when was the last phone call, I should have done that thing I said I would do, why didn't I go to that family function and it goes on and on. It's been 17 years since my mom passed away suddenly and I still go through the mental list as if it happened yesterday.

I empathize with the stalling feeling in your own life. What's the point right? It's a draining feeling. I have that feeling now, my job is the sole contributor to that emotion.

However, to resolve grief of my mom, what I've done, I missed telling mom about little things about life that have changed. Every year on the anniversary of her death, I write a letter updating the last year of my life. I put the message in a bottle and I photograph it. (I used to work professionally as a shooter!) it'll never replace chatting with her, it's a way for me to keep connected to her long after her passing. Funny enough, I do strive through the year to achieve personal success so that next years letter will be better.

p.s. Fellow Canadian on the East Coast, I used to live in Peterborough.

 

[earthquakefish]

Accidental and unexpected death leave an unfortunate unresolved feeling. You start going through t...

I live in Ontario.. always have.

It's more than stalling that I fear, and if when I can think of it as a stalling period, it's helpful (emotionally) and lets me be very unproductive in my response to what happened. Yet, I sit here understanding that, not doing anything about it, feeling either at once unjustly served life, or the other extreme, I'm too lazy or weak.

My months leading up to my father's death was further compounded by I was taking an active stance in showing love. I would make point of expressing love to my family. They, I felt, would look at me strange but appreciate. I got them all saying, I love you and hugging each other. (I was reading a lot of Rumi at the time). It doesn't help I felt a pressing need to do that at that time. I really dont believe in premonitions, and now I feel what I was doing at that time was following something like; when really for the first time I was giving a different understanding of my heart. Haunts me that I was the only one in the family expressing that at that time .... my sister, my brother, my Mum all had their reasons to be angry with my father as I could too. Made me very despondent and sad;

 

[FragileGlass]

I live in Ontario.. always have.

It's more than stalling that I fear, and if when I can think...

I understand and relate very well the premonition feeling. It's a common characteristic caused from analyzing events after sudden or tragic death.

I work in an Emergency Department, once the dust settles after the medical teams attempt to save a persons life, I am usually on hand with family members as they struggle and eventually I am the one who removes the body to the morgue or transfer to funeral home. That lazy weak unmotivated feeling rings very loud and clear in my heart. In fact I stopped shooting photography altogether because I lost motivation. That was a killer because I lived for creating
photographs or doing creative projects.

While I still work in the hospital industry, I am slowly trying to achieve small successes, nothing big, I play role playing video games because silly enough there are little successes to be felt when achieving something in an alternate life so to speak. I don't use it to hide it's more distraction. I force myself to read at least a chapter of a book or some schmaltzy cheesy motivation article every day, I'm finally starting to play around with my cameras again, I walk 10 minutes more than I planned to etc.... nothing big.

The key is to find many small realistic objectives, eventually the multiple successes feel good. If you try to take on something overwhelming with your energy and motivation level down like it is, it'll drain you if you don't succeed. Hopeful'y over time, you'll find yourself pushing the challenges a little more.

 

[earthquakefish]

I can appreciate that one could look to find understanding in premonition after sudden or tragic loss in analyzing. Why I said, I don't really believe in premonitions. They appear beautiful and can offer an idea of solace. It really is, to me, a rationalization.

I can't imagine doing what you do. I can appreciate you could lose motivation. For me with photography, at first after my Dad's death I threw myself into my camera but in a literal sense, I would shoot what would distract me. Imagine, two months after my Dad's accident, going to photography school, being forced to focus on what they told me to shoot (they have some leeway of course as you could interpret their assignment but had to fulfill their assignment) didn't help.

Upon quitting school, I then found a very strong creative spark in it. It was an easy distraction. Once that passed, finding a photograph became very difficult. I found new ways to entertain it, which helped, editing etc etc. Reinterpreting, putting words to my photographs on a blog. I then was given an opportunity for an art show at a local cafe. That helped. Then a crash happened in creativity for me; happened for at least a year and a half. I kept trying to rationalize it seek a way through it. Asked people for words they could offer. I was lucky to live in a community that held arts highly; meaning there was people to talk too. Didn't help much; made me either annoyed, jealous, or both.

Lived with that for a year. Had a relationship deteriorating. That ended maybe six months after that. I was the one that ended it. When I did she kicked me out of our apartment, and I didn't contest it at all. A) I ended it and had been the who had given up B) she moved to my hometown for me from a large city: so she had many friends there but no family outside mine. If I had tried keeping the apartment she would likely felt forced to move back to the city while she had a life built here where I could temporarily ask for help from family.

So you can imagine grief struck me again. I held up, but ending a relationship is hard if someone in your heart you still find love even if it's not working. Ended at my Mum's for awhile at 37. There's a social taboo to that. While I didn't really care entirely about that. I was paying rent and while my heart was sorely looking possibly for reconciliation with my ex, my mind knew I couldn't. It left an opening if things changed then my ex and mine's living arrangements would have been easier in beginning again. Hindsight, I should have found my own place sooner. If it meant staying at my Mum's for a couple months to get an apartment I actually wanted, so be it. (That would have been difficult as for a few months I helped with the rent at my old apartment with my ex) <--- That there is why it's important to have independent financial means even with sharing costs.

There's a lot more I could add to that. How my ex and I tried to remain friends. How we travelled together after. Where we both never expressed our hopes that I think were the same of the trip. How a year after that her Dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. Wanting to support her somehow, but right now distance is what we need. He's still alive right now 10 months after his diagnosis.

I've since moved from when I lived at my Mum's, of course. Im 39. I'm okay with living alone for my first time at this age. (Was always in relationships from the age of 18 on). It get's lonely; but that's okay.

The apartment helps a little. I can design it however I like. If I like creative visual arts you can imagine I like aesthetics. :) It's not a fix but I can make projects quickly without needing input. I'm learning to try and find more exercise when I can. I'm choosing my bike mostly; it's coming on the cold season though. I want my exercise outside as it leaves window for creative expression in photography. These are all small objectives and it's important I don't get down too quick if I don't see the feeling I'm looking for.

I've been thinking too much lately. I know. Brings up a lot hurts not healed. Some good can come from it, or appreciation. When I get this way, it does create a real meaning to the appreciation I have for others.

I know I just wrote a lot; hope that's okay. :) This was the first time I read this reply of yours; one of my objectives for the last few months has been spend less time on the Internet.

Thanks for your words.