You Again

[desiderata310]

Oh, hello suicidal thoughts. Took a long weekend, eh? Not certain I understand why you're back but come join the party. No, please, didn't really miss you all that much. Had a lovely endorphin filled weekend, complete with my car's arrival, an awkward new… acquaintance, short chat with my oldest son and a lovely text exchange with my daughter. My daughter even told me she was proud of me and the new place I've found for us (she hasn't joined me yet)
I've even taken the risk of telling my son who's still at home that I'm in therapy. He didn't pry. Accepted my basic explanation of PTSD and let it go.

I've fought off my terror of seeing where S called me and have managed to hold together quite nicely given that I recently stirred up old memories of something that I don't want to remember. I was even feeling so good I thought I would stick my head back on Facebook to see what my teammates were doing- today kind of marks the beginning of the tri/bike race season back home.

But you're here. again. Aren't you sick of me yet? I certainly am sick of you. I'm sick of my eye twitching, I'm sick of being exhausted. I'm sick of nightmares. I'm sick of not being hopeful. Why won't you leave me alone? Yet, here you are, with me again, staring at Monday morning and taunting me with the hell of it all.

Part of my brain is saying, we'll get up in the morning, go hit the water, get a good swim and a run in and enjoy the last of the three day weekend. Part of me is obsessing with getting over to where I know there's a rope of a decent size and the appropriate knot to use to make this all stop.

My therapist said that I didn't have to tell him when I was actually suicidal because he'd learned to read some of my comments the right way. If I said, it had been a really bad day, he knew what it meant. When I turned to him and said I was flat out suicidal. He got really worried. We've talked about the hospital: land of last resort.

What do I do tomorrow? Ignore it? Tell him all is right with the world. Try to tough it out? Am I THAT f*cked up?

Why does this have to be so f*cking hard? Why can't I just tuck my life back in that little box and continue like I was. I felt like a normal human being yesterday and most of today. I've been able to push things down, push them aside, keep the lid on.

I made "progress" last week. I don't feel like progress was made. I feel like I was where I was back in December: somewhere between letting go and holding on to that cliff face for dear life. I woke up with that gnawing grinding at me and I pushed through to go to an event, get my car from the transport company. But now I want to quit.

 

[TimeToHeal]

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling @desiderata310. I can feel your despair through your writing and it is familiar.

Please don't quit. You are taking such good steps and moving forward. What do you do, come Monday morning? Yes, you tell your therapist of your good and stable weekend, and then you tell him that you "crashed" a bit, and the suicidal thoughts crept their way back in. But ya know what? That doesn't take away from the fact that you had a really good weekend before that!

I don't know why these thoughts and feelings insist upon rearing their ugly heads time and time again. And I'm sorry you are battling with them now. I don't know that I have any specific, ground breaking advice on how to defeat them, but I can offer my understanding and support. Remind yourself that you have made it through this before, and you will make it through this time too. Please don't quit.

:hug: for you if you'll accept them.

 

[Hope4Now]

Why does this have to be so f*cking hard? Why can't I just tuck my life back in that little box and continue like I was. I felt like a normal human being yesterday and most of today. I've been able to push things down, push them aside, keep the lid on.

It's a finely choreographed dance between "pushing things down," "pushing them aside," "keeping the lid on" and making progress. I did the first three all my life (until this past fall) and I have been working on managing making progress since then...which seems to be dependent upon not doing those first three things all the time and learning how to just "be" with miserable, scary, violent, sad etc. feelings without acting upon them.

I completely feel your frustration with having had an endorphin filled couple of days, then a crash. Same thing happened to me last week.

I made "progress" last week. I don't feel like progress was made. I feel like I was where I was back in December: somewhere between letting go and holding on to that cliff face for dear life. I woke up with that gnawing grinding at me and I pushed through to go to an event, get my car from the transport company. But now I want to quit.

I hear you on this. Every time I get close to "letting go"--which means either just relaxing and letting myself feel all the pain, or the acting out on suicidal ideation which I have said no to repeatedly but it's always there--something in me makes me hang on to the cliff by my fingernails. The irony is, the only way to move out of the suicidal ideation/self-destructiveness/misery etc. is to let go and be vulnerable and work with your therapist to process all the pain.

Before I crashed last week, I had been making "progress" too. When I talked to my T about it, he said this is not unusual...when you start to get close to working through the stuff that caused ptsd and all the defenses that got built up to survive, the old protectors come up in force and try to prevent you from working through it. The more you fight the protectors or try to shut them down or control them, the more forceful they get at the same time the more forceful the pain they're trying to protect you against gets.

It makes sense in a weird kind of way, but I can't seem to do much about it yet. I guess it's like the emotional version of martial arts. In martial arts, you get creamed by your opponent if you fight against him/her. The art of martial arts is learning how to move with your opponent to weaken her force.

I don't know if any of that makes sense. Sorry if it sounded like a lecture. Just that I'm experiencing some of the same stuff.

Am thinking of you. Hope you can move with the negative stuff...let its force wash over you without overwhelming you. Be the rock the stormy seas wash over. etc.

Peace

 

[Hope4Now]

How are you doing today? Thinking of you.

 

[desiderata310]

Strange calm so far today. I'll take it. Got triggered pretty badly in session yesterday.First NON EMDR session where I was triggered. Actually helped me in a way because I've felt that way before and not recognized it as being triggered until later: shaking, hard to breath. Yeah, I know what being triggered means in THEORY but recognizing it when I am in the moment and having the where-with-all to do something about it... I still don't have that down. I was in the middle of it and until he CALLED it that I was just freaking out because I couldn't figure out why I was shaking and not cold. Stupid.

It always helps to have some place I have to go and something I have to DO. Large corporate show today that loaded in at 5:45 so it justified my being awake at 3 am. Never mind what the "alarm clock" was.

 

[Hope4Now]

@desiderata310 I hope the calm continues for you beyond the places to go and things to do.

About not recognizing triggers/being triggered...I am just starting to gain some consciousness of when I am triggered...feeling it and noticing it, I guess...or having someone ask me why I'm shaking and if I'm cold. Or why I'm staring off into space..."Have we lost you?" people say. I am mostly still unaware of what triggers me, unless it is really obvious.

I seem to be ALWAYS triggered in my therapy appointments. Convenient, I suppose. Or maybe I'm letting my defenses down some.

Good luck with your show.