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You Know You Have PTSD When...

When you have to be “drunk enough” to listen to your last month’s worth of voicemails.

>.<

Or to even open the app. To just see who has left messages. Not even to listen/read them.

So listening to them? Is progress.

Hell. Opening the app is progress. Listening, much less actioning? Seeeerious progress.

LeSigh.

Pain in the f*cking arse, this finite capacity for stress.
 
When hedonism is both an act of rebellion AGAINST ^^^that^^^ …in addition to seizing every last possibility of feeling/being/connecting/being real.

But? ^^^that^^^ (unexpected joy/beauty/rightness) is irrevocable coupled with pain/grief/loss/death.

f*ck my head.
 
Okay, I'll try a list without thinking too much...

  • Your favourite film is The Punisher (2004)
  • Interacting with other humans often feels like playing 3-D chess against Gary Kasparov
  • You don't worry about the future much because it's mostly a foreign concept
  • When you're about to speak you're often not sure what your voice (or accent) will sound like
  • The idea of being the only person on the planet is strangely comforting
  • After a bad episode you're grateful that at least you didn't break or lose anything too valuable
 
when questioning the validity of your own emotions becomes a part of your own emotions, to the point that you wonder if everything you feel is muted/magnified by the disorder pretty much as you are feeling it, or, really, analyzing it instead of feeling it.
 
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