You Know You Have PTSD When...

[Changing4Best]

Speaking of boring, when your life is so boring that you await going to the daily old folks luncheons at the Senior Center in town, and to play Bingo with them, as that will be less boring than your life is now (or it seems it would be so anyway). You have to be 60 years old or older to do this, and you have a month and a few days yet until that comes about, and you are counting the days. Also that you are not even concerned about turning the BIG six zero, because this opportunity outweighs that.

 

[JustBe]

@DharmaGirl said:

"and that comes flying out of yesterday to knock you down some more."

Yup. _All_ The_ Time_.

 

[Recovery4Me]

When you desire to go to the doctor to find out what is happening, but the thought of following through by seeing a stranger who prods semi-naked bodies and then trying to explain to this stranger calmly what has been going on...
is more traumatizing then dealing with the concern.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

When you hear something moving in your room in the middle of the night and you turn lights on in 3 different rooms and get a flashlight to see what it is. And you find that it's a small bug in a plastic bag. And you smash it with a bottle of glass cleaner. And you still leave the lights on and your bedroom door open because you're pretty sure godzilla is about to come up through the floor. And you get frustrated with yourself because you're actually scared and shaky and you know you won't be able to sleep for hours now because of all of this.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

...when you suddenly start crying for no apparent reason.

...when 10 months of hell doesn't sound much to you because you know you'll get out by then, and you're used to years with worse crap.

...when you understand how the street works better than how a family works.

...when you, for no reason, just get pissed off and have to leave the room.

...when you faint out of fear and stress.

 

[Changing4Best]

... when you walk on a street that has no sidewalks and fear each car that drives by, thinking it could hit you. So you walk in the grass, but that gives you the creeps because you have been bitten by ticks many times and gotten Lyme Disease 4 times now because of it. The first time you got this disease, it put you in the hospital for 2 weeks on intravenous antibiotics, because there was no oral antibiotic available that worked on it back then in 1990.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

When you're cleaning your room and you find a piece of paper with a list of upcoming therapy appointments. It says you have therapy on the 29th which is in 2 days. And you get confused because weren't you just there like 2 days ago? And you check your calender and the schedule feeling like you're losing it as you start wondering what day today is.

And then you realize the schedule says 9-29 and today's date is 8-27. And it takes you a minute to remember that the 8th month is August and the 9th month is September and that you're looking at the schedule for September and it's still August.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

When you don't want to sleep because you don't want to dream.

When you're scared to sleep because you're scared of what you might dream.

When you like the idea of waking up the next day but you feel defeated by the distorted thoughts that will greet you when you wake up. Maybe they won't happen. They usually do.

When you get anxious and hypervigilant about almost everything almost everyone says to you because of what it might mean.

When you can hear almost every sound in your house all the time because your hearing is almost always turned on turned up and tuned in.

When you want friends but know you don't have enough in your tank to be a good friend.

When you're lonely because you don't have many friends and know you can't make more right now.

When you recoil when certain people come close to you.

When you wake up in the mornings and are met with memories buried decades deep that you wish you could forget them or they hadn't become something to remember to begin with.

When you spend days having body memories that make you want to constantly clean yourself.

When you want to scream at the next person who seems to be implying that your recovery is a matter of mind over matter thinking more positively and having not been positive enough previously. Sorry but it's chemical. If I could reach up and turn this off I would have done it a long time ago. PTSD isn't something I have because I refuse to let go of it or my past. And no I don't sit around and decide to think about my traumas. The memories of my traumas are intrusive they're not invited.

When you finally are in a place where you can acknowledge and understand and understand where your emotions come from. And you attempt to share your feelings with someone close to you. And you share how you're feeling and they look down without saying a word and then they pause and change the subject. And you feel like you were right to have always have been quiet for decades because you were right. People can't handle hearing your truth.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

...you feel like nothing will ever, ever, ever get better, and can't see what's so good about life.

 

[DharmaGirl]

When you sneak behind your grown son who has the hiccups, and scream to try to scare him, but you scream so much normally because of your crazy startle response that he doesn't even really notice except to say, "what scared you this time?"

 

[Changing4Best]

... when you wake on a holiday that is a weekday and you feel blessed that it is totally quiet outside except for God's little creatures that chirp sweetly and remind you of your childhood, before the time when you started to remember about your traumas.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

When you're relieved that you were able to get an appointment with your therapist on September 11th.