Relationship Your First Isolation Period

[Sweetpea76]

First time he isolated was for about 5 days or so. I know it was less than a week, because I remember thinking "If he is gone for a week, I don't know what I'll do." That time was bad. No warning, no communication that he needed space... just *BAM* gone off the face of the Earth. I remember worrying that he drove out to an isolated area and shot himself.

When he came back I had to lay it out for him. I know he needs space and isolation time to cope, but I'll be damned if I go through that again. As far as I'm concerned the act of just disappearing off the face of the Earth, to the point where you have to check the paper to make sure he isn't dead, arrested or in an accident, is a mind screw. The need to isolate is not unreasonable, but if you are in a relationship, taking off and making your loved ones worry sick that you are dead in a ditch is pretty shitty and emotionally abusive. This is especially true when you consider that isolation is a coping method for sufferers when they aren't doing well. Nothing worries you more than when your sufferer isn't doing well, then you get radio silence.

That was my main issue with his first isolation. Not that he isolated, but the manner in which he did it. If he is functional enough to be in a relationship, he is functional enough to tell me he needs a little space, and I can respect his needs enough to give him some. Isolation is crappy for the sufferers, sure. It's crappy for us too though.

I think that if he was off the grid for more than a few weeks, maybe a month, and he wanted nothing to do with me, I would have to re-think the relationship as much as I love him. That's not healthy for anybody. He could give me a call when he was ready for a relationship and see if I was still single at that point in time. And that is not saying that I don't care or I would move immediately on... it means that I would not purposely sit and waste away waiting on him to come around when he may never do so. If there is an actual relationship, he has some responsibility to be in it too.

 

[sassyblewe]

@Sweetpea76 Its nice to know I'm not the only one who believes this. My boyfriend has a habit of just poofing out of nowhere, and its really hard. He keeps telling me to have more confidence in our relationship, but its hard when I'm always fearing he's going to disappear and never come back. I don't mind giving him space, but I cant read his mind, so I just wish he'd tell me when he needs it. Lucky for me I'm best friends with his sister, so I at least know if hes hurt or not

 

[Wastinglight]

My guy isolated very early in our relationship. He didn't invite me around for 2 1/2 months, but we still chatted online and saw each other every week or so at our regular sporting activity (the only other place he seems to feel 'safe', besides his house). He told me afterwards that a series of family events triggered his symptoms, and he felt overloaded. Because our relationship was so new, he pushed me away in order to cope. By the time he finally 'came back' I had convinced myself that it was over. I didn't cope with the rejection well at all, and I have told him that this is how it made me feel.

So yeah, unfortunately his isolating behaviour triggered my anxiety in a big way. So we came to an agreement - when he's struggling, he tells me what's going on with him and what he needs in order to get past it. He no longer cancels on our plans. He still invites me to come over and stay with him, but he does becomes withdrawn and distant at times. We're still learning how to accommodate each other's condition without enabling it, but it's trial and error. So far so good.