Your Pain As Inspiration For Art, On Display

[LizardViolet]

Supporter here. I've been in a relationship now for five years with a wonderful man who suffers from CPTSD from childhood abuse and from his combat experiences. He is an active alcoholic and although he is aware of EMDR and the possibility of therapy, he's not in a place where he wants to take action. I don't think he can imagine getting better at the moment, although he has made progress regarding trust and introspection over the years.

In the past couple of years, the relationship has inspired me to learn as much as I can about PTSD and relevant treatments. I've had some symptoms myself, so I went through EMDR earlier this year, and lately I've gone back to it.

I have also been inspired creatively. With a writing partner, I wrote a TV pilot in which PTSD and treatments like EMDR play a major role. I live in L.A. and I know it may not go anywhere, but we're starting to show it around. I have also been writing a musical about ptsd. My draft is almost done, and I'm actively looking for a composing partner. I'm also taking some classes in songwriting. As a result of the classes, I'm writing some songs that are not connected to the musical

I have not told my boyfriend about any of these projects, although I've mentioned that I'm taking the classes. I am reluctant to tell him, because he can be critical of me and I don't want him putting me down about my creative work. I'm mostly confident about it, but less so than about most of the other things he tends to criticize me about (my driving, my parenting). I am also reluctant because he is the inspiration for a lot of what I'm doing. The TV pilot doesn't have anything about him or his experiences in it, but there are little pieces drawn from his life in the musical. I've been careful to make them very minor bits so he is not ever going to see his life right there on the page, or on the stage. But he will recognize some stuff. And I wrote a song last week, not connected to the musical, that is straight out of his brain and his negative thinking. It's a kickass song, and I don't know what will happen with it, but it might end up going somewhere.

I know you, whoever you are, PTSD sufferer reading this, are not him. But your experiences are closer to his than mine are. If it was your romantic partner who was creatively inspired by your situation, what would you think? What would be a good way for your partner to communicate this information to you?

I have to tell him, and I'd like to tell him soon-ish. I've intimated that I'm working on some writing but haven't been specific. And he knows me well enough -- he's suggested that after he's dead, I would be likely to found some nonprofit organization about PTSD. (I have co-founded and been involved with quite a few nonprofits, none about PTSD though.)

Some days he is his best self. Once in a while. Often, like just last night, he tells me that I have abused him. (He takes any criticism or truth-telling as abuse; he is the only person ever in my life who has accused me of abuse.) I guess I am afraid that I will say, You are a creative inspiration to me, and I want many more people to understand about trauma and recovery from trauma... and he will hear some criticism, or be upset. What do you think? What would happen if it were YOU?

 

[Hashi]

If it was me, I wouldn't like it at all. For you to be creatively inspired just on personal projects would be different, but something that would be publicly available would upset me very much. It may not be rational, but the kind of feelings I had imagining myself in that situation were feelings somewhere along a scale of feeling exploited and objectified, whatever the intention. Not at the top of the scale, there are much worse ways to be exploited and objectified, but I think I would feel those things to some extent.

There's something also about the fact that this would be news to him, when you've already done so much work on it. If it was me, it might feel a bit token that you were talking to me about it now, when you'd progressed it so far already.

But like you say, I'm not him and I'm not other people here either.

 

[bell]

Honestly, I'd be bothered by it. I don't say it to be mean, but because you asked for people's opinions. However, I would not be bothered about it had you asked me first. That way I'd feel more in control of the situation than possibly feeling blindsided because your creative projects were based on me in a way. If your inspiration has been taken from this forum or from other things you've read about PTSD that's fair game; however, if someone was taking inspiration from me and using it for creative projects? I'd feel hurt that they didn't trust me and like they were mining me for material... in short, I'd honestly begin to wonder if they were with me because they wanted to further their creative pursuits or because they wanted to be with me.

Just my $0.02, as a writer, artist, and a sufferer.

 

[digger]

Yeah, I'm sorry but I would be pretty hurt that you hadn't asked first if it would be ok to use my experiences in that way, and that you hadn't thought to involve me more in the process. :/

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'd be pissed.

It is not based on him, but others WILL know that he has PTSD. Then there will be a question of what is and what is not based on him. This is his battle, and I feel that in a way you are publicizing it when you shouldn't be.

I think you're walking on VERY thin ice. Yes, it is your creative outlet, but out of all the things in your life, you chose the one thing that is his and his alone. You have no right to throw him into the public eye.

I realize that you are a supporter and not a sufferer and in that you have no idea what it is like to not feel safe. (I mention safety as I believe we all...all PTSD sufferers....have safety issues to some extent.) You take safety for granted. You don't realize how precarious it is... Safety is at the very bottom of the human needs pyramid, right there above food/shelter/water. If someone was so careless as to threaten my safety for their own selfish needs, I would end the relationship and I wouldn't look back. Your sufferer isn't even in a good place yet you want to thrust all of this into the spotlight? So not cool. For once think about him and his needs instead of your need for a creative outlet. I think his BASIC human needs trump your need for using this as your creative outlet, seeing as how you could have used a billion other topics in the world for that outlet.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I really think you don't understand what you're doing.

 

[franciemarnie]

It could be cool. Depending upon how I felt I was portrayed - however indirectly. I might feel bad. It would depend on the work.

In the end, you are an artist and have the right to say whatever you want to say however you want to say it. Artists have been portraying their significant others since forever. Picasso, Fitzgerald, Hemingway.

I wouldn't talk to him about it when he was under the influence though.

 

[Orglethorp]

As a fellow creative person who writes about characters with PTSD, I completely understand why you've written about this, and I have no doubt that the world really needs more of this sort of media out there to help get rid of the stigma around PTSD and mental illness in general. He might find it hard to deal with recognizing little bits and pieces, but if they're truly only little bits and pieces, then it shouldn't be a huge problem. Be honest with him about it, and remind him that no one is ever going to know which pieces are inspired by his story, if they even start thinking about it at all.

That being said, I'm a PTSD sufferer myself, as is my sister. She had a boyfriend write songs about her and her experiences, was not asked or told, and then had to hear them for the first time at one of his shows, surrounded by his friends and none of hers. One of those songs actually became pretty popular on the local music scene. She broke up with him, and I would have too. This guy's songs were more like the song you've mentioned that isn't part of the musical - straight out of her head - and without her permission. They were raw, very personal, and sometimes not at all flattering.

 

[euca]

I like the idea that PTSD could be inspirational for art... or that my mindset could be considered interesting.. or that the struggles that I stumble through could be acknowledged as food for expanding the human state of being...but I would have severe issues of trust if someone I was close too was using my experiences to inspire projects I had no idea about. Someone else said it. PTSD is about having issues with trust and safety and boundaries. I would feel ... untrusted and untrusting. You need to talk to him ASAP.

 

[Nebulustrix]

I have been using my own PTSD as inspiration for some creative work of my own. Since it's my own work on my own life, I get to take my time with it and make it "perfect" before it is presented to the world.

If it were me in your situation, and it was my significant other using my life as inspiration for their creative work, instead of me using it for my own, I would feel very upset if it was not shared with me before it went public. Just the fact that you were doing this would not upset me, and I can understand not wanting to share it right away - since I'm involved in creative works too. You have to reach a certain point with it before you really feel comfortable sharing with anyone, especially someone who's opinion you value so highly- and since your work is based on your boyfriend, his opinion will be of the utmost importance in deciding whether you will move forward with it.

I think there are many with PTSD that would be deeply bothered by you even writing something about them at all, but I personally would not be one of those. I would find it touching, again - as long as it was shared with me before it went public. And once it was shared with me, I would want to be able to offer my own input on things I'd like included or excluded for my own sense of security, and I wouldn't want it taken any further if I didn't give it a stamp of approval.

 

[cherryblossom]

Honestly, if I were your partner, I would be very pissed off to discover that for the last few years you had been writing a TV pilot and a musical and other songs inspired by my trauma, without ever mentioning a word about it to me.

There is one thing where perhaps you write a private poem, or song lyrics, inspired by the person you love, simply to express your feelings. But writing a TV pilot is in a completely different league. That's not about simply being creative, that's about profiteering from someone else's trauma and misery. Maybe it will raise awareness, but I really don't understand how you have taken this so far, without ever mentioning it to him.

I am happy to admit that I have trust issues, but keeping such things secret for several years, when it is his experiences you are drawing upon is absolutely unforgivable in my opinion. Isn't a relationship supposed to be about sharing? How could you use his trauma to such an extent without even discussing it with him? I really don't understand.

 

[Hashi]

I think cherryblossom really nailed it. I was posting before from the point of view that I feel = for other reasons perhaps - I'm being much too sensitive and spiky on this forum. But what she said is exactly it, for me.

I don't understand how you could be using his trauma this far without discussing it with him. Even if your work isn't public yet, it has form. In some ways, you might have already shared it with some people with a view to collaborating creatively - so even if it isn't public, it's no longer with you alone.

Some people have posted here from the point of view of being creative themselves. I would also identify myself as being creative, and some of my work is shared with a select few, some is shared more widely - with anyone. But in terms of trauma igniting creativity, it's only my own experiences and what I make of them. Not anyone else's.

Representing someone else's trauma outside the two of you, even if only to one person you're thinking of collaborating with creatively, is huge. If this hasn't been discussed yet, then I can only say that I don't know what you're reaction you're likely to get. But if I was your partner, it wouldn't be a very positive one. Sorry. I know what it is to be excited/inspired creatively but I also know what it is to have PTSD.

 

[LizardViolet]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

There is nothing about him or his life in the TV pilot, please note. The situations in it are all made up, and the experience of going through EMDR is from my own experience. The purpose behind the pilot is to spread information about trauma, PTSD, and treatments, and also have entertaining and dramatic situations like you'd see on TV. In a way, it's an effort to communicate with my bf, and other people out there like him, who may feel trapped in their feelings and situations, and help them understand a little better -- and to know that there are treatments for PTSD, which doesn't seem to be common knowledge in the culture at large.

I would never, ever want his first experience of something that was drawn from his life to be as an audience member. One reason I'm worried about him reading my stuff is that it might be triggering. And I decided deliberately not to include anything drawn from his life in the musical beyond tiny bits which, yes, can easily be changed if he wishes.

I will speak with him as soon as I can. Finding a moment when he is not drunk or upset may be tough, but they do exist, and there are moments when he is only a little intoxicated and mostly clear.

The song that's straight out of his head I will handle with especial care.