Relationship Your Relationship Hurt Caused By Ptsd ( Supporters/carers)

[Trying best]

@shimmerz I almost want to be a emotionally unavailable person because I am hurting so bad that I would never want. Exptionally, I am at a better place now but there are definitely days where I am driving, I feel so hopeless , I end up crying.

He said he would pay for my therapist and help pay bills. Thank God! But he definitely wants to divorce for now. He tell me that the reason we broke up is because I was too mean to him and he cant every forget. He also tries to expedite the divorce.

You mentioned STOP questioning yourself.

This is exactly how I feel. I feel like maybe I should do this or maybe I should prove this , maybe this or that. But nothing changes as far as convincing him. It is hard to let go as I feel his slippiing further away with every day! I am heartbroken :(

 

[shimmerz]

@Trying best I can so feel that from you. Heartbroken is so hard. I so wish I could reach out and give you a big huge hug. I know it wouldn't help your sorrows but it might help you feel less disconnected. It is so easy to shut down when this happens, to become walled in and close down your heart. Please try not to do that. Try to keep your heart open and accept compassion from those who can see you are in pain. The ones who will stick by you.

It is a very tough road, especially after giving so much of yourself to be called 'mean'. It sounds like a huge betrayal. Maybe according to him you didn't do everything right - but I am thinking that is being made into a scapegoat. Has he mentioned anything that he has done wrong? If not, that is a huge red flag that you are being taken for a ride. I suggest to you that your energy is meant to be respected. Perhaps that is what he is trying to do by offering a therapist and paying the bills but please do not allow someone to pass onto you full responsibility for this.

I say go for the therapist as soon as you can so that you can think more clearly. That is not meaning that I see that you aren't but this type of thing tends to mess with one's head while it is happening. Draw back into yourself your energy as best as you can. I am going out for the night but will be here if you want to continue chatting with someone.

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[Trying best]

@shimmerz thanks for your kind words. He has not apologized for any of his mistakes but when I point out what he did was wrong, he says " please, don't talk about this as I feel guilty and I cant afford spiral further down in his PTSD" .

I definitely feel he has ptsd issues and I also feel that I didn't understand and did a fair share of my mistake which caused him to push me. But he is definitely manipulative things form example he wanted me to uncontest and default the marriage so it would be easier on him. I did not agree to that and he went on a furious rant that we would stop paying for my things. He hasnt stopped yet but he is threatening me financially if I delay the divorce?? So hows that ptsd??

 

[shimmerz]

@Trying best I am not certain that it is PTSD. It sounds to me like he wants out easy. I don't use my PTSD as an excuse for anything. I own it. I have made a vow to my supporters that I will NEVER use it as an excuse to 'get out of something'. I never say 'but my PTSD!'. That is using something against them - pining for their pity. Threatening is not PTSD, raw reactions are PTSD. Thinking through that an uncontested divorce is the way to go means higher brain functioning. PTSD reactions have no thought involved (which is why supporters get confused as to the thought process). It is lower (survival based) instinctual behaviour.

Manipulative behaviour, to me, is more of a personality trait. It may be as a result of the PTSD (if this makes any sense to you) as a learned behaviour to avoid pain or to gain a feeling of safety or control, but it is not a primal response. Anything that requires thought is NOT imho PTSD in its core form.

So, on that note.....anything that comes from higher thought rather than random reactions (no matter how skewed) .... PTSD or not, that person should be held accountable for - without fear of taking advantage of their condition. There may be some other ideas on this from other sufferers but this is my take on figuring out how to dissect a true PTSD reaction vs. just plain bad behaviour.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Everybody is different but if someone did ,I would love them to point out my flaws because i am
In this forum to learn and have an
open mind.

Everybody who has PTSD is different. I had to walk away from people who triggered the worst of symptoms. Those symptoms were triggered so badly because they remained friends with the man who tried to kill me.

Those friends felt hurt that I was saying I couldn't be friends with them. But walking away from them saved my life, and enabled me to stabilise myself. So for my health and for my children (who need me healthy), I did the right thing to walk away.

Since then, I can say with complete honesty, that there is nobody who I have hurt. Also, the way my PTSD symptoms show, they don't hurt others. But my life is such, that I am able to have time alone when I'm triggered. If I was with a partner, I would need them to understand that and respect my need for that.

The other thing that helps me, is straightforward expressions, like "I am angry because..." "I am hurt because...". I think, whether I had PTSD or not, to express thoughts and feelings in this way, helps to eliminate aggression or blame.

That's me. But as I say, people are different.

 

[shimmerz]

Everybody who has PTSD is different. I had to walk away from people who triggered the worst of symptoms. Those symptoms were triggered so badly because they remained friends with the man who tried to kill me.
Those friends felt hurt that I was saying I couldn't be friends with them. But walking away from them saved my life, and enabled me to stabilise myself.

I find it incredibly scary - as I am seeing these words and they are describing my situation to a tee. What is there? A manual for these types?

But as I say, people are different.

And lumping people with PTSD all together is as wrong as saying everyone who is blind are the same.

like "I am angry because..." "I am hurt because...".

My SO did say to me early on in the relationship that he expected to be free to express that he was angry (anger was a huge trigger for me at that time). His expressing it was just as @Meadowsweet states. Always precluded by a 'I am.....because'. It gave me a warning that I needed to pay attention to him. That stops the carer/sufferer problem for us. He is allowed to suffer too.

By him saying such I was able to accept that anger and love can come in one package and that anger did not usually mean death.

 

[Trying best]

@Meadowsweet

You mentioned above in your post about you walking away from people who cause you to trigger your symptoms. Hypothetically, if those people was your significant other or a close family member who you can't just cut off ties with all together. What would it take for you to get over that?? For example , would it be time away for you from those people so you can sort things out in your head or would it mean for those people to gain your trust somehow? Please advise! I could most def get a huge insight if you answered this question .

 

[shimmerz]

Ahhhh, so his sense of safety and security is being challenged (in his mind). That isn't your fault! If his behaviour is bad then the problem already existed. You didn't create it. I think with this ah ha moment, it would be a very good idea to get some counselling ASAP so that you can take the burden of this off of yourself.

It seems to me (and this is just an opinion based on what I am hearing) that his need for control is throwing you completely out of control. I suggest guidance from an outside party so that you can gain back a proper perspective of what you should and should not be taking ownership of.

 

[Trying best]

@shimmerz wow, I am getting deeper and deeper in touch with my feelings with your post. I have definitely contributed him in feeling that way. Because, I was ignorant to his PTSD I threw a tantrum as to why I wasn't getting any attention and lot of times, I threatened his job by complaining it to his boss. I was never going to complain, it was all threats to get his attention. And that may be the reason why he mentioned that he wanted to be able to claim divorce on official paperworks. Any suggestions, how to communicate this to him about my meaningless threats. I am really bad at expressing , you actually help dig deeper to my feelings. You are good at put feelings into words!

Yes, his need of control is throwing me out of control but he had always been controlling Right from start. He always has to be in control especially when he comes to his job, he is very very private with his person information. That's just how he is. To this day, I have never seen his work Id. That secretive! Not in a bad way but just telling u how his job is so imp to him.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Hypothetically, if those people was your significant other or a close family member who you can't just cut off ties with all together. What would it take for you to get over that?? For example , would it be time away for you from those people so you can sort things out in your head or would it mean for those people to gain your trust somehow? Please advise!

You can cut off ties with a significant other if there are no children involved, with family, it depends on the family. If the family is abusive, then yes, people do cut off ties and that can free them from the abusive situation.

The other way that I found, is to have something similar to a professional relationship, to enable people to remain civil, without emotional expectations or involvement. But that's just the way my mind works. However, that is not something that is possible with a significant other. It is a way of remaining civil to an ex partner after the split.

I have definitely contributed him in feeling that way. Because, I was ignorant to his PTSD I threw a tantrum as to why I wasn't getting any attention and lot of times, I threatened his job by complaining it to his boss. I was never going to complain, it was all threats to get his attention.

I really wish supporters themselves would speak up on things like this. Because, if you want complete honesty, this is a behavior that would be considered unacceptable in any relationship. If you are getting angry at your husband, and trying to manipulate him by complaining to his boss, that is not healthy behavior whether a partner has PTSD or not.

Before you even try to involve him in your life, you could do with working through whatever it is that causes you to behave in this way.

 

[shimmerz]

@Trying best I think this is a really good time to get some help from an outside source that will allow you a clearer perspective as to what is going on. We can only be responsible for our own things....and the cards will fall where they may. This comes back to your opportunity for personal growth. I wish for you all the best....

 

[intothelight]

He always has to be in control especially when he comes to his job, he is very very private with his person information.

Is he being controlling or is he just a private person? Does he work in a field where maintaining confidentiality is a requirement? ALL people have boundaries and will respond when another person crosses them. With PTSD, the reaction of having someone cross a boundary may be more intense than with other people. In any relationship, it is important to maintain and respect those boundaries.

I threatened his job by complaining it to his boss. I was never going to complain, it was all threats to get his attention.

Regardless if you contacted his boss or just threatened to, that is crossing the boundary I mention above. When someone feels threatened, they might fight back, leave the situation they find threatening or just shut down. Again, with PTSD the response may be more intense than with someone that doesn't have it.

It isn't about "who" hurt "who". It is about realizing the things that we do personally, regardless if you are a sufferer or a supporter, and the impact that our actions may have on another. The only things we can control are our own thoughts and actions. If the issue for you was wanting more of his attention, you now know that your previous actions didn't get the desired result.

Take a minute and figure out for yourself what you want. If you felt that you were not getting enough of his time and attention as a spouse because he worked to much, then express that in the context of what could be done or changed to allow us to have more time as a couple. Sometimes with PTSD its hard to see solutions as everything can be so overwhelming for lack of a better term. Sometimes the initial response to something is "can't" because a person really does not see a way to do it. That is where really taking a look at the "can't" and exploring ways that a person "can" is really helpful. It require a lot of patience from a supporter and an ability not to personalize, but to stay focused on the true issue and possible solutions.