Justmehere
Sponsor
I got a concerning diagnosis today. I think I will be fine. The doctor asked that I call family. I don't have any family contact except with my mother. She's ok, unless there is ever a problem about anything ever with anyone, including herself. I have to travel out of state to get this serious diagnosis treated, he wanted to make sure someone knew, and that perhaps someone came with me. I said I'm fine alone.
The doc pushed, I gave in. I called her. I was fighting back tears. Without treatment, this condition could kill me, and suddenly, so ya know, that's hard. I selfishly rather die on my own terms, but that's messed up suicidal thinking (and no, I'm not going to do anything and my therapist knows.) I didn't tell my mother I rather die on my own terms. I did say I was a bit scared and the doc wanted me to have moral support. Her first response was, "Oh ok. You should just pretend that you don't have that diagnosis. Everyone dies."
Long awkward pause.
I replied, "Seriously mom? I should pretend I don't have this?! I'm AT THE DOCTOR RIGHT NOW. I know pretending that problems never happen is your way of coping with everything, but that's not something I can do. I have to deal with this."
Her next statement was, "You need to get over your childhood."
I never bring up my childhood ever with her. My father blames me to this day for being an unhappy person because he says I was a bad child who never made him happy. He actively denies that I exist. My mother is married to him and randomly blames me for being married to him. She knows she is not allowed to continue to blame me for her marriage to him or I won't speak to her or be in a relationship with her. When I have asked what I did wrong, the answer from both parents has never been more specific than "you didn't make him happy." My father did mention once that I don't exist because I told someone about his confirmed and witnessed abuse of me. So. Ya know. There's that.
My mother and I do fine, as long as we don't talk family and we don't talk about the past. We can have fine conversations about the weather. And pets. And just about nothing else. My therapist encourages I stay connected because it's the only family I have, and every now and then, she starts to be more nice and the boundaries are strong. And I have had no contact with her husband for many years. Yes, it's weird. Of course it's weird. The whole small town where I grew up and they still live thinks it's freaking messed up.
My mother has kept my childhood bedroom just as it was when I last lived there as a kid. People in the community told me about this, said it's like I died. It's what parents of kids who are kidnapped do. Not parents of hated adult children.
I AM ALIVE. NOT DEAD.
I have never complained about my childhood to her, why would I? I would be shamed for it and she can't handle it. She just can't. She keeps saying our family seems normal to her, and I have no doubt it does seem normal. I'm not gonna break through all her denial no matter how much I want to have it go away.
So anyhow... I basically I get this concerning diagnosis today (which I think I will be fine) and then I call my mother who responds by telling me to pretend the problem isn't there and then to get over a subject I didn't bring up. Tells me to get over my childhood.
Then she continues on to say she had a horrible childhood and she got over it and moved on.
My mother has active PTSD and ends up in dissociative fuge at least once a year, every year at the same time of year no less. She is one of the very most traumatized people I have ever known. She has seen a counselor to ask them what is wrong with me, they told her what *she* had (PTSD), she told me, but then said she was fine. She's over it. She moved on. As far as I know, that's the only counseling she has ever had. I have asked that we do family counseling. She agrees and never shows up. She gets busy, forgets, or whatever. My father and brother said it would be too hard and painful. So I gave up on that.
She is not like this all the time. She a school teacher. She is known for being a great supporter to many other people. She does well in life. Mostly. Every few years she can actually be kind and real and supportive to me. I think I was kind of hoping I would get that version of my mother today.
It's just me that she get the worst with -- that's what everyone tells me. So of course, it's my fault.
My therapist thinks it's not that, but because I'm the safest and furthest away. I'm also the family scapegoat.
ANYHOW, I'm at the cardiologist and his eyes are bugging out listening to my mother be my mother. I try to tell my mother this isn't the time or place, and she goes on... She adamantly claims she has moved on and didn't ever call her mother to complain about her childhood. "How dare you do that to me!"
At this point I start sobbing. "MOM. I am at the DOCTORS OFFICE. I just got BAD MEDICAL NEWS and your FIRST RESPONSE IS SO BIZARRE I don't even know how to respond. And now you are rambling about childhoods and no one knows what the hell that has to do with anything. STOP IT! NOTHING IS OK! YOU NEED TO LEARN TO ADMIT THINGS HAPPENING TODAY ON AUGUST 17, 2016 ARE NOT OK. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHEN I WAS A CHILD. YOU ARE NOT OK! YOU CANT EVEN ACT LIKE NORMAL MOTHERS DO! THIS IS NOT NORMAL! I AM NOT OK. I AM NOT OK. PLEASE WAKE THE HELL UP AND LEARN TO COPE ENOUGH TO SAY THERE IS A PROBLEM!"
At which point I start sobbing and crying. Everything crashed in on me. Everything. The room spun and I hung up the speakerphone. My doctor HUGGED me. I kept asking to leave, and he had a nurse sit with me until I could stop the tears.
I know I handled this extremely badly. I was also foolish for thinking that maybe I'd get the real and nice mother. I didn't handle her issues with any kindness or compassion.
In this moment, I just can't stop crying. WHEN DOES THE SH*T STOP HITTING THE FAN IN MY LIFE?!
The doc pushed, I gave in. I called her. I was fighting back tears. Without treatment, this condition could kill me, and suddenly, so ya know, that's hard. I selfishly rather die on my own terms, but that's messed up suicidal thinking (and no, I'm not going to do anything and my therapist knows.) I didn't tell my mother I rather die on my own terms. I did say I was a bit scared and the doc wanted me to have moral support. Her first response was, "Oh ok. You should just pretend that you don't have that diagnosis. Everyone dies."
Long awkward pause.
I replied, "Seriously mom? I should pretend I don't have this?! I'm AT THE DOCTOR RIGHT NOW. I know pretending that problems never happen is your way of coping with everything, but that's not something I can do. I have to deal with this."
Her next statement was, "You need to get over your childhood."
I never bring up my childhood ever with her. My father blames me to this day for being an unhappy person because he says I was a bad child who never made him happy. He actively denies that I exist. My mother is married to him and randomly blames me for being married to him. She knows she is not allowed to continue to blame me for her marriage to him or I won't speak to her or be in a relationship with her. When I have asked what I did wrong, the answer from both parents has never been more specific than "you didn't make him happy." My father did mention once that I don't exist because I told someone about his confirmed and witnessed abuse of me. So. Ya know. There's that.
My mother and I do fine, as long as we don't talk family and we don't talk about the past. We can have fine conversations about the weather. And pets. And just about nothing else. My therapist encourages I stay connected because it's the only family I have, and every now and then, she starts to be more nice and the boundaries are strong. And I have had no contact with her husband for many years. Yes, it's weird. Of course it's weird. The whole small town where I grew up and they still live thinks it's freaking messed up.
My mother has kept my childhood bedroom just as it was when I last lived there as a kid. People in the community told me about this, said it's like I died. It's what parents of kids who are kidnapped do. Not parents of hated adult children.
I AM ALIVE. NOT DEAD.
I have never complained about my childhood to her, why would I? I would be shamed for it and she can't handle it. She just can't. She keeps saying our family seems normal to her, and I have no doubt it does seem normal. I'm not gonna break through all her denial no matter how much I want to have it go away.
So anyhow... I basically I get this concerning diagnosis today (which I think I will be fine) and then I call my mother who responds by telling me to pretend the problem isn't there and then to get over a subject I didn't bring up. Tells me to get over my childhood.
Then she continues on to say she had a horrible childhood and she got over it and moved on.
My mother has active PTSD and ends up in dissociative fuge at least once a year, every year at the same time of year no less. She is one of the very most traumatized people I have ever known. She has seen a counselor to ask them what is wrong with me, they told her what *she* had (PTSD), she told me, but then said she was fine. She's over it. She moved on. As far as I know, that's the only counseling she has ever had. I have asked that we do family counseling. She agrees and never shows up. She gets busy, forgets, or whatever. My father and brother said it would be too hard and painful. So I gave up on that.
She is not like this all the time. She a school teacher. She is known for being a great supporter to many other people. She does well in life. Mostly. Every few years she can actually be kind and real and supportive to me. I think I was kind of hoping I would get that version of my mother today.
It's just me that she get the worst with -- that's what everyone tells me. So of course, it's my fault.
My therapist thinks it's not that, but because I'm the safest and furthest away. I'm also the family scapegoat.
ANYHOW, I'm at the cardiologist and his eyes are bugging out listening to my mother be my mother. I try to tell my mother this isn't the time or place, and she goes on... She adamantly claims she has moved on and didn't ever call her mother to complain about her childhood. "How dare you do that to me!"
At this point I start sobbing. "MOM. I am at the DOCTORS OFFICE. I just got BAD MEDICAL NEWS and your FIRST RESPONSE IS SO BIZARRE I don't even know how to respond. And now you are rambling about childhoods and no one knows what the hell that has to do with anything. STOP IT! NOTHING IS OK! YOU NEED TO LEARN TO ADMIT THINGS HAPPENING TODAY ON AUGUST 17, 2016 ARE NOT OK. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHEN I WAS A CHILD. YOU ARE NOT OK! YOU CANT EVEN ACT LIKE NORMAL MOTHERS DO! THIS IS NOT NORMAL! I AM NOT OK. I AM NOT OK. PLEASE WAKE THE HELL UP AND LEARN TO COPE ENOUGH TO SAY THERE IS A PROBLEM!"
At which point I start sobbing and crying. Everything crashed in on me. Everything. The room spun and I hung up the speakerphone. My doctor HUGGED me. I kept asking to leave, and he had a nurse sit with me until I could stop the tears.
I know I handled this extremely badly. I was also foolish for thinking that maybe I'd get the real and nice mother. I didn't handle her issues with any kindness or compassion.
In this moment, I just can't stop crying. WHEN DOES THE SH*T STOP HITTING THE FAN IN MY LIFE?!
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