Sufferer Ptsd Since A Very Young Age

[Terri78]

Signed up on this site a little bit ago always hit this spot the introductions stare at it and close the page....so I guess I am pushing myself to just do it.

I feel embarassed that I am expressing my inner self the part of me I hide in my shell.
I have had ptsd since probably the age of 3 and to of course now the age of 38, even as a child it was never cared for.
I have ptsd from extreme child abuse physical mental and sexual. Also bounced in and out of care from the min I was born even to a failed adoption back to care.

With ongoing adult tramatic experiences...lately I have been an emotional mess...happy to randomly breaking down. For years I have done OK until the last 6 months I have suppressed memories being over flowing and unsure why they are starting or what is triggering them. To bitting my nails there is none and they r bleeding zero motivation to do anything other then sleep.

I have zero control of my break downs they just happen out of the blue I am seriously OK and bam crying...I also have felt angry annoyed or frustrated for no reason at all..I know with this my PTSD is at a higher level then normal.

I do not have a clue what my triggers are right now. But I am a disaster..I don't know if it is my suppressed memories as they are also happening when I sleep.

I am sure I have rambled enough...I really do not have outlets due to growing up in foster care. I have friends but they do not understand it or get it..I am in a newer relationship 8 months now and I am not ready to use him as a support..as I also have abandonment issues this he knows and is careful of that it worries me I will scare him off telling him everything right now so soon into the relationship.

Sorry so long winded but thanks for the space to vent.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

The sheer number of times I have just brazenly hit 'send'? :wtf: Hard stuff. I have to remind myself a lot that I usually regret what I don't say, more than what I do.

There's a quote I stumbled across on the forum when I was new that helps:

"Depression and trauma are disconnective disorders. They do not improve in isolation. To fix them you have to be connected to others."

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

Are you in therapy?

 

[Terri78]

No I am not...last time I seen anyone all they said was here are some pills and never asked questions or even asked why I have PTSD just handed me boxes of samples of pills...I never took them and never bothered going back...as what is a pill going to do and how are you helping me by shoving pills in my face.

Last time I was in therapy was when my adoption failed to cope with the new add on to my already PTSD and abandonment issues.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Welcome, Terri! It sounds like you have had an awful time of it! I understand what you're saying about your breakdowns - I had to go on disability because of that. :(

I don't know which province you're in, but if you tell your GP that you've suffered sustained abuse as a child, then s/he should be able to refer you to a psychiatrist for treatment. If you're here in BC, it'll probably be covered.

Good luck with it!