Dom Violence What Is Domestic Violence?

[Nicolette]

Domestic violence is any form of abuse, violence and or coercion by a partner or previous partner that serves to establish and maintain power and control over another person, is enacted in a context of unequal power or privilege and has the potential to cause harm to the physical and or emotional well being of that person.
Abuse or violence in a relationship is about a pattern of behaviour that one person uses against another to intimidate them and get them to do what they want. source: dawnhouseincorporated

Domestic violence can present in a variety of forms such as:

• Sexual abuse
• Physical abuse
• Mental abuse
• Financial abuse
• Verbal abuse
• Social abuse
• Emotional abuse

Some victims can experience one or a combination of the above forms of abuse.

What does the term domestic violence mean to you?

 

[StarChild]

What does the term domestic violence mean to you?

To me it was to be disenfranchised, dehumanized, disrespected, experience pressurization, falsehood and terrible shouting at me almost every day, threatened to kill, derided when his cruel words made me cry, e.t.c. In general: no longer be treated as a human being. And have no worth at all. Not as a his wife, not as a woman, and of course not as a human!

For example: Not even being worth that my husband had to spent "so much money" just for our daily food.... Or being told that instead of marry me, to buy a dog would have been a much better and wiser decision; "Because a dog knows his place and obeys his master, not like you (me) who doesn't appreciate my bounteousness at all!"

 

[Nicolette]

Not even being worth that my husband had to spent "so much money" just for our daily food

Just terrible SweetLullaby; being denied the basic necessity of food. How demoralising. Let alone having a dog being considered more worthy than you. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

You speak as it is past tense, have you been able to remove yourself from this relationship? I hope you are now safe.

 

[StarChild]

I left him a few years ago and am divorced now. But I had to leave him covertly (not sure if this is the correct definition in English) and it took more than a year to prepare my flight. If I didn't have the help of good friends during the preparation time, I doubt that I could have left him. He's a very, very dangerous and influential man.

I'm not sure if I'm safe... He knows exactly where I live, and has his "spy's" everywhere. And in his view, I owe him a lot of money. But I had to choose; To stay with him and experience my own destruction, leave him and hide for the rest of my life, or leave him and well...live my life as good as possible. Come what may....

 

[Nicolette]

To stay with him and experience my own destruction, leave him and hide for the rest of my life, or leave him and well...live my life as good as possible.

That is so true for many of these situations. I am so proud of you for choosing yourself as I can appreciate how difficult, what seems like a such an easy choice, is to make. :nb: :tu:

Come what may....

SweetLullaby that must be very draining let alone stressful. I know I couldn't drive anywhere near where my ex used to frequent let alone knowing he was still 'spying' on me. It's a sickening feeling. I know you didn't deserve to live like this and it's obviously his issue but it is so unjust that you are still somewhat living on edge. You've been very brave and at least by being out you have a better chance of life. That has to be worth something. It also sounds like you have great friends by the nature of your exit. :smile:

I am wondering do you still look over your shoulder? Does he still threaten you even though not present?

 

[Nicolette]

I know I couldn't drive anywhere near where my ex used to frequent

To this very day I still shudder when I pass a car (from either direction) which is similar to his and I live in a city so that rattles me some days, actually gives me a fright each time, as he doesn't own an uncommon car.

 

[StarChild]

You know, I developed a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder during this "great" marriage. So yes, he still threatens me. For he's a man that lives for revenge. He not only lives for it, but he enjoys to make plans to harm or destroy his "enemies". And he never forgets. Never.

And he's a big manipulator! He can change people that one never would believe they would buy his lies. Almost amazing... Even during the court case of our separation he acted like a totally desperate husband, who almost breaks apart about the leaving of his deeply beloved wife. He acted so perfectly, was sobbing, that the judge started to scream at me several times. It was shocking!

So I have lots of nightmares about him trying to kill me. Or I often wake up screaming and "see" him standing near my bed, his eyes burning with hatred. Today it's just nightmares, but there were days during our marriage, when he really stood by my side when I awoke, and his eyes were full of hatred.

 

[Nicolette]

there were days during our marriage, when he really stood by my side when I awoke, and his eyes were full of hatred.

Wow, that would have been terrifying. I really wish I knew what to say............ :(

I'm not sure if I could ever trust another man if I'd been abused like what you've gone through SweetLullaby.

I've liked your post for having the courage to share your story with us as it can't be easy.

 

[StarChild]

Wow, that would have been terrifying. I really wish I knew what to say.

It's o.k. Nicolette. :smile: You were listening to me and my heart appreciates that a lot. Thank you!

Now I have to lie down a bit - This stuff was more draining than I expected.:depressed:

 

[Nicolette]

This stuff was more draining than I expected

Take it easy SweetLullaby and rest :smile: It's hard but really great to see that you are willing to put in the effort to work through it and I'm happy to listen if you need me to. Well done :tu:

 

[Abstract]

Thanks for the information Nicolette. Sweetlullaby, I am terribly sorry. It sounds awful.

I have not been threatened to that extent (mine have been milder versions) but saw it happen for an aunt. She hid away for over 20 years and was truly free when he eventually died (sorry but yay!). I wanted to share that she had a good life though. She married someone wonderful and kind. And 8 years younger than her interestingly! Had another child (there were two from the psycho).

He was someone very well known (artist) with a very influential family and extremely manipulative. I think what you describe with the ability to manipulate sympathy is not unusual with the type of person you are describing.

The saddest part of the story is that my cousin who saw most of the awfulness grew up to be a problem. He has a diagnosed personality disorder (borderline although I suspect he is a little along the antisocial direction), bi polar and has continued the pattern by assaulting partners. At least one with a gun. He also sexually abused his sister who amazingly has come out of it pretty much fine. It is all very sad.

Have you thought of moving and changing names etc? Do you have a restraining order.

 

[StarChild]

Have you thought of moving and changing names etc? Do you have a restraining order.

Yes, but there's no possibility for changing names were I live. I've already moved twice, but he just let me know, that he knows where I live. I have no "evidence" to show to get such an order and noone would believe me because of this:

He was someone very well known (artist) with a very influential family and extremely manipulative.

Oh Abstract, sigh.... - It almost seems, you're describing my ex husband and his "super nice" family. Yes, he too is very well known, and has "friends" allover the world. Mightfull and influential friends. And his family hates me even more; First for not giving in into their horrible family-clan-regime. And second because I left their "wonderful" son. How dare I! Really, how dare I to leave him and them, instead of give myself up and kiss their feet in awe for the rest of my unworthy life!

Sounds funny...But it isn't...It never was. It was hell! I'm crying and my hands are shaking whilst typing this post.... And once more I feel how stupid I was to not see WHO and WHAT kind of man he really was! I still can't forgive myself for this!