Asking Parents About Trauma

[noaloha]

Okay, so.

I'm relatively new to accepting that some sort of trauma happened to me. Some I get (growing up with a BPD mom). But there are certain gestures that only recently have become triggers. For example, my boyfriend rubbing my back made me flip out a couple of months ago. My mom and my dad divorced when I was 6, and I grew up visiting him but not living with him. For whatever reason I started feeling total rage towards my dad. We have always maintained a pretty good relationship, and I have no memories of him doing anything wrong except getting irrationally angry and scary sometimes, and being overbearing. Nonetheless, I was extremely panicked in a way I haven't felt before.

My therapist told me that several types of abuse can trigger the same types of panic. I told her that I was worried of what I would remember (thinking that there is sexual abuse involved, but feel that I could be completely wrong). She suggested that the repeated crossing of boundaries in ANY sense (emotional, physical, sexual) can produce feelings of violation and shame, which is pretty much what I have been feeling lately.

I know my mom has lied to me and gaslighted and all that--honestly that scares me less because I can identify it. What I can't stand is not being able to identify WHY I feel so angry at my dad, who, in my mind, was always a bit more "sane."

Because I have an okay relationship with him, I wonder if it would be ok to ask him if he would seriously talk to me about what happened before age 6. I know a lot of messed up stuff went down with mom, but he's never admitted to any wrong doing except his temper. I just feel this need to know what happened. I know that you can't make anyone tell the truth, but has anyone tried this with any success?

 

[mary1979]

When my Mother and I talked about my experiences with my father, her response was to book me in for hypnosis.

Buggered if I know what she thought it would achieve, my father had pled guilty and been sentenced for my abuse by that stage and while I dont know exactly what he had told her, I do know he'd claimed I was at best 'stretching the truth' and 'it wasn't as bad as I made out'

What line she had decided to draw about what constituted sexual abuse and what didn't is still beyond me to this day, but what I DO know was that talking to her about it, and the resulting efforts to find the truth only served to make it all that much more worse for me so much as misappropriating blame for my abuse.

I wouldnt go there if I were you, with either of them.
They'll only protect themselves and diminish you further.

You could try other family members?
My extended family were able to shed some light for me.

Only people with no shame for their own behaviour will be totally truthful.

 

[Enaila]

After about three years of therapy, I'm to a place, as is my mother, where we have been able to discuss what I remembered and what I suspected happened to me growing up with a father who was/is bipolar. I have been asking her for information a little at a time as I know it will trigger flashbacks. I have only recently let her know I have PTSD. It is helping to have her validate what I remember. I think it is helping her as well.

 

[noaloha]

I hear you on that Mary. The last thing I want to do is find more trouble. My mom has lied so much that I don't know what to believe, but she's told me my dad did some awful things to her. I don't trust my mom based on firsthand interactions. I don't trust my dad based on secondhand information, but I still trust him more than her. That might be a road that's just too tedious for me to embark on right now.

Enaila, I'm really glad to hear that you and your mom are helping each other. Good point on knowing how to pace it the right way too, I was thinking about that. I hope you guys continue to support and nurture each other.

For now, I suppose it's best to focus on remaining in the present, and reminding myself that I'm safe, right here, right now.

 

[Enaila]

I hear you on that Mary. The last thing I want to do is find more trouble. My mom has lied so much that...

It has taken me three years to work through anger directed at her for not protecting me. Each time we talk with each other, it is getting easier. My aunt's and uncles are coming forward with stories too now that my parents divorced as they feel safe enough to do so. It takes time and only the person suffering can decide how far and how fast to push for information.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't trust my mom based on firsthand interactions. I don't trust my dad based on secondhand information, but I still trust him more than her.

I really think this is your answer, right here - if neither one can be a reliable narrator, then all you will likely end up with are more questions, not answers.

For now, I suppose it's best to focus on remaining in the present, and reminding myself that I'm safe, right here, right now.

This sounds like the better approach. Keep working in therapy. Sometimes, we remember stuff when we are ready to, anyway.