Tentatively Popping My Head Back On The Site After A Long Absence.

[digger]

*waves*

This is one of those places where I'm not really sure if 'It's great to see you back!' is the most appropriate or tactful thing to say but....yeah....Hey! :)

 

[Abstract]

Thank you very much for welcoming me back. :) It's a bit of a relief. It seems it was harder to come on here than I even thought. I feel bad about suddenly leaving and I again have all the self abuse come up because I'm here. It's tiring.

Before I posted this I had been trawling the site looking for all the old names and feeling relieved to see them (like some of you special people who have answered here and have been so important to me!). Glad to know it when people are doing well and sad to see more tragedy and struggles for some. I did miss you all. I even managed to figure out a couple of name changes.;-)

@Sandstone @Simply Simon @ladee @SheilaKathy @Pencil @seedling @TreeHugger @scout86 @gizmo @anthony @Cj77 and @digger
Thank you!!! :) and thanks to @LF1 @Neverthesame @joeylittle @Ms Spock @shimmerz @illusionist too.....

Not going to mention anyone particularly so that I don't make anyone feel left out but: I am very grateful for the improvement. I look back and wonder how I didn't see how bad I was. Being back is a positive thing for me so its a perfectly appropriate to welcome me back.:) I can also see what a good sign it is when people heal and move away. This site has been a literal life saver to me in the past and I'm very grateful. There is still stuff I need to work through though. Actually, my brain has turned to mush it seems. Starts smoking just getting me out of the door these days!

 

[joeylittle]

I feel bad about suddenly leaving and I again have all the self abuse come up because I'm here. It's tiring.

It's understandable - but, for what it's worth, you've nothing at all to feel bad for as far as the site is concerned. We're probably one of the few places that is glad to see people go AND glad to see them come back :). It's all here for whatever you need, whenever.

 

[scout86]

There was actually a thread awhile back about people disappearing. (I believe you were mentioned!) Coming and going is part of life. So is coming back. :)

 

[shimmerz]

Actually, my brain has turned to mush it seems. Starts smoking just getting me out of the door these days!

Boy can I relate to this. Sorry you are going through it.... nice to have you back @Abstract!

 

[Pencil]

(I believe you were mentioned!)

By me :D
I remember how ambivalent you were just before your disappearance, and I also remember (perhaps incorrectly) that you wondered if WE were ambivalent about you.
Now I'm not going to be all polite and grownup about this: I'm glad you are back.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Me too. I am glad to see you back. You left a hole in the forum when you left to me. I wish you could see yourself as you really are, an amazing human being.:hug:

 

[Silent one]

Hi everyone.... :shy:
I'm not sure if anyone remembers me or not. Or if they are still speaking to me...

Hi, I am new here, like maybe a few days new. I didn't know you. From what I have read from other members you sound pretty amazing! Welcome!

 

[oasis2003]

@Abstract nice to hear you again will look forward to exchanging views, conversations and mutual support .

 

[Tinyflame]

Just one thing I MUST say @Abstract..

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: ! :) :inlove:

 

[Abstract]

@joeylittle That's the sign of a healthy site with healthy goals and its great and very reassuring to know its here. Thank you. It was lovely to hear @anthony be positive about it.

@scout86 Oh really! Good to know. Shall have to hunt it down. Yes coming and going is part of life. I just hope I didn't worry anyone. That's all. I actually know I did as I did read my last thread. Have a bit of an obsession about causing harm to others because of my unhealthy stuff. It still isn't enough to stop it though. Luckily we all have an idea of how complex these things can be and how our brains are sometimes our worst enemies. That helps me a bit usually anyway.

@shimmerz Sorry to hear you have this too. I'm not one to have health anxiety at all but recent thoughts have been about if all this stuff has caused me brain damage. In the cognitive sense! :rolleyes: It feels like there is one lonely brain cell left in there rattling around.

Hiya @Pencil old pal. :) You remember correctly. I could feel myself slipping away before that last thread but then it became stronger and by the end of it nothing could keep me connected. Not that I have ever been without that feeling. It just got stronger. It really felt like part of me was dying off and I have to say it still feels that way. Something shut down at that time that I can't put into words and never came back. I wasn't so much thinking others were ambivalent about me as rather thinking they should be running me off the site and verbally abusing me. I guess the simplest way of describing that would be a type of self harm wish. So much kindness and support seemed wrong and painful. Something Hashi said to me at the end helped me a lot though (many things said on that thread did) and that thread was v helpful for me. It's good to see you!

@gizmo You are always so kind to others. I must be doing a whole lot better as I can hear kind words like yours now without freaking out entirely. :-)

@Silent one Thank you for the welcome and a big welcome to you. It is a great place filled with much knowledge understanding and kindness.

@Oasis Thank you Oasis! It is great to see everyone. I look forward to speaking to everyone again.

Dear @Junebug hugs back at you if you accept them. :) I did look out for you!

 

[Abstract]

I will also own up to doing a few posts under the cloak of anonymity just before this thread. A toe in the water. ;-)

I hope all of you are doing OK ish. Shall have to catch up properly with what is happening.